Should I go back for the kids?

[killingmesoftly70]

H and I separated for 3 years. I am just starting proceedings and inbetween mediation. I moved out with the 3 dc and went to live by my mum (about 3.5 hours away) as I didn't know anyone else really to get any support. It's a long journey for whoever does it.
Anyway communication is non existent now between us. He's not replied to emails or texts. He sometimes facetimes the children and they do him.
He came to get dd1(9) today. dd2 (7) didn't want to go and stay so has stayed here with ds 3. h won't take dc3 (5) as 'he can't cope with all of them' and always gets left out.
It was dd1 and dd2 birthdays recently and he didn't send them anything or even contact dd2. I thought he might of brought her a present today but he didn't bring anything.
Anyway, dd1 was crying as she left and seemed quite stressed though she was desperately trying to put on a brave face. I don't think she wanted to go really. I felt awful and I was crying myself after she left.

I feel like I can't do this anymore. I'm seriously thinking about packing in the divorce proceedings and saying ok, we'll go and try and live together again. Maybe I could have my own bedroom or something.
h could be controlling, though not physically and was very critical of everything I did. He ground me down so much, I left.
On the other hand I'm feeling guilty for the children and thinking I should just go back for their sake. I can't afford to live in his area on my own. (he is still in the family home, whilst I rent).
I work, but don't earn very much and it can be a struggle but we manage. Financially we'd be better off going back. However, if we divorced the assets would be split meaning I would not be able to afford to live in his area either.

I'm feeling quite emotional at the moment and have a lot going on. I work and am studying at the same time and have essays to get in etc. It all feels a bit much.

Don't go back to him
Tell him it's all or nothing with the kids in future, you deal with all of them at once so no reason he can't. Get a contact order in place

God no, don't go back

What kind of father does that?

Can't cope with all of them what a load of rubbish, he means he can't be bothered to cope.

He needs to grow up and put in the effort, he won't get the opportunity to be there fore them again and they will resent him if he doesn't.

Do not go back, you have taken the biggest stop by leaving.

*step

Thanks all. I think it's just seeing my dd go off like that. After 3 years I still feel sorry for him!
I know he never had much time for them even when we were together. He never changed nappies or said 'Goodnight' to them. The children are growing further apart from him and ds can't even be bothered to speak to him really when he calls. I try and encourage them to as much as possible but I guess I can't force it, I do blame myself for this though for moving away. dd2 was quite close to him but doesn't seem very bothered more recently. I was surprised she didn't want to go this time.

I guess I can try moving closer to make the journey easier but that means moving to a place where we don't know anyone.
I have my first mediation with him the week after next and am dreading it as he can't even talk to me.

Please do not go back.

This all sounds quite messy and unorganised. You really need to get legal advice and put a proper contact/access plan in place.

He can't cope with them all? Shows you what a shit Dad he is then. Your kids don't want to see him NOW. Why would you want your kids to go back with him full-time - and what about you?

Re: him still living in the family home, you really need to get legal advice and start sorting all this out.

You have already done the hardest part by leaving.

Do not go back to him under any circumstances. His abuse towards you makes that a non starter in any case. Your children will also not thank you for doing that to them.

I would continue with divorce proceedings and not bother with mediation at all. If he is controlling (and controlling behaviour is abusive in nature) then the whole process of mediation is a non starter anyway. You are not in a safe position to mediate with him because you would co-operate and he would not.

A contact order should be in place anyway re his children; is he really at all interested in any of them in the long run?. He only took the eldest and he is truly a rubbish dad to them all. Such men like this only think of themselves and can also use the children as a stick to bash their ex wife with.

Contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women if you have not already done so; they can give you extra help here directly too.

I would cancel the mediation; you are not safe to do this and he will never co-operate with such a process. Its also never recommended when there has been abuse of any type within the relationship.

It is Green and I think I'm pretty confused over it all. I have a solicitor on hand already and I am actually having some counselling. I know she'd be horrified if she knew I was thinking like this.
I'm hoping we can get something sorted at mediation but if he can't talk to me outside of it, I don't honestly know how it will go.

Keep with the solicitor.

What sort of counselling are you having and is your counsellor at all experienced in the subjects of domestic abuse and coercive control?. If not, I would find another counsellor to work with.

Do NOT attempt mediation with this man; he will not co-operate with the process and it will be a waste of your own mental energy; energy that you need to fully extricate yourself from your abusive marriage.

Your H was abusive to you within your marriage and is still abusive now post separation. He has not changed and mediation won't make him somehow a better or more reasonable person either. He will use mediation also as a stick to bash you about mentally with.

Mediation will not be appropriate if there are issues of harm concerning your child, for example allegations of sexual or physical abuse, and/or you have experienced domestic violence, or if there is an imbalance of power within the relationship, for example, because you have a disability or because English is not your first language.

Do not go back! He sounds awful and abusive, you’d be better off keeping your kids away from him, although it sounds like he’s doing a fairly good job if that himself

No no no. It will send him and them totally the wrong message. You are having a tough time but you've done the hardest bit. Keep going x

Thank you Atilla, I am speaking with a counsellor regarding the relationship really and she has been very helpful. I think she sees him as controlling though both her and my solicitor have said to try mediation first.
I don't have issues of any physical abuse. Possibly emotional concerns if he is using them to get at me.
I struggle with the 'abuse' thing as it was not physical (apart the glaring, mean looks sometimes). Much of it was just completely ignoring my existence in that he'd not speak to me for days. I am still struggling to put my finger on it and if I was over reacting etc. Unfortunately, I grew up with my father being exactly the same. He was emotionally abusive in many respects.
I also think sometimes he's heritage and background play a part and often use this as an excuse. (he was born here and spent most his life but is actually of African descent.

Sorry for all my typos, trying to type quickly! *

He's a crap dad and partner. Don't go back.

I know what you feel about feeling sorry for him - I had the same. I realised that I was trying to feel my ExH's pain for him as if that would somehow make it less painful for him. I decided to give myself the afternoon from trying to have his feelings on his behalf. It was a revelation when I realised I wasn't sad on my own behalf at all.

It's hard to watch your dc go off with someone when you don't really trust that person to look after them properly, emotionally as well as physically. By the sounds of it, your exH will fade out of their lives fairly quickly, and frankly, in your shoes, I wouldn't fight it.

Don't go back. Your children are young, your ex hasn't stepped up at all and if anything it'll give him a green light to escalate the behaviours that drove you away because he knows you want the family unit together. Can you really put up with this for another 13 years until your youngest reaches 18?

You have already repeated the relationship pattern your father modelled (the same thing happened to me with my abusive exH being very much like my dad as it was my "normal"). You need to break that cycle for your DC's sake or they'll likely suffer the same fate as you. I think once you're divorced and things are no longer in limbo you'll become much stronger and settled and so will your children.

That's it Biblio, I am doing the same, taking on his pain when actually it may be that he couldn't care less. Acats, I understand what you are saying. I don't think I really have a good idea yet of what a normal partner relationship is. I've been on my own the past three years with no interest whatsoever of getting into anything else because I'm just scared of repeating the same. I don't think I ever will.

"I think she sees him as controlling though both her and my solicitor have said to try mediation first"

Controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours. What he has done here is coercive control. He also does not have to hit you to hurt you and emotional abuse cuts deep. Not speaking to you for days is an example of emotional abuse. It will take you a considerable amount of time, perhaps years even now, for you all to recover from this man.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and sadly you learnt these same damaging lessons when you were growing up. I am not altogether surprised that you were in a relationship with this abusive man yourself as an adult; he is another version of your abusive dad.

As a victim of domestic violence you are not in a safe position to mediate with him in the first place. Its a complete non starter and Womens Aid would be able to advise you further on this issue.

Do not go back and do not move away from your support - it will not help your children for you to be miserable living with a man who disrespects you and is emotionally abusive. He is responsible for his relationship with them not you.

Don't move your kids back in with a crap parent because he's crap at parenting.
He doesn't care about his kids and unfortunately they can see it now, don't subject them to living fulltime again to keep up some pretense that their father cares.
He doesn't he just wants to control the entire situation by using your kids wellbeing against you be knows you are the only one that actually cares he just wants the status quo to return to normal.
You back and him getting on with ignoring kids and being critical of you. You've taken away the object he had power over so now his new tactic is power over your emotions. He knows it hurts you when he disregards the dcs !

Get ball rolling on making divorce and finances officially sorted and look into counselling for dc to help them through this.

Don't go back, it would be detrimental to both you and the kids. Don't move back to the area, stay where you are with your own network.
You're trying to do the best for your kids but this isn't it by a mile.

Don’t go back , it’s not best for the kids.

Don’t force the to speak to him on the phone , it’s up to them if they want to.

Don’t do mediation with an abuser, read up on coercive control.

Have you made a CMS claim or is he paying child support ?

As above, go back to what, abuse, upset atmosphere for your children, he's a crap person, crap partner, crap parent, get contact put in place, he takes them all or none; don't make any of them go if they are distressed; they will soon see him for what he is, a selfish nasty useless piece of crap; remember why you left in the first place!