Should I go back for the kids?

[killingmesoftly70]

H and I separated for 3 years. I am just starting proceedings and inbetween mediation. I moved out with the 3 dc and went to live by my mum (about 3.5 hours away) as I didn't know anyone else really to get any support. It's a long journey for whoever does it.
Anyway communication is non existent now between us. He's not replied to emails or texts. He sometimes facetimes the children and they do him.
He came to get dd1(9) today. dd2 (7) didn't want to go and stay so has stayed here with ds 3. h won't take dc3 (5) as 'he can't cope with all of them' and always gets left out.
It was dd1 and dd2 birthdays recently and he didn't send them anything or even contact dd2. I thought he might of brought her a present today but he didn't bring anything.
Anyway, dd1 was crying as she left and seemed quite stressed though she was desperately trying to put on a brave face. I don't think she wanted to go really. I felt awful and I was crying myself after she left.

I feel like I can't do this anymore. I'm seriously thinking about packing in the divorce proceedings and saying ok, we'll go and try and live together again. Maybe I could have my own bedroom or something.
h could be controlling, though not physically and was very critical of everything I did. He ground me down so much, I left.
On the other hand I'm feeling guilty for the children and thinking I should just go back for their sake. I can't afford to live in his area on my own. (he is still in the family home, whilst I rent).
I work, but don't earn very much and it can be a struggle but we manage. Financially we'd be better off going back. However, if we divorced the assets would be split meaning I would not be able to afford to live in his area either.

I'm feeling quite emotional at the moment and have a lot going on. I work and am studying at the same time and have essays to get in etc. It all feels a bit much.

I was going to say try going back, but remain separated and go ahead with the divorce. But reading your later posts, that won't work and will only confuse the DC. Your Ex is physically and emotionally absent. I'd give up trying to facilitate contact. It sounds like no one wants it anyway. Just crack on with the divorce. If the house is owned rather than rented, you might be entitled to some 💰.

no, dont get back together. it wont be for sake of kids. would be better if he will stop showing up at all, instead of coming over and make kids life miserable.

what do you mean that you live in his area wont be able to afford it? live in whatever area you want, no money in the world worth happiness.

Emotional abuse is abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical to ‘count’ as abuse. Definitely do not go back to him. If his relationship with his children is breaking down, then that is no one’s fault but his own. Don’t feel sorry for him. He sounds awful.

Could you do the Freedom program? It sounds like you found yourself with a man very similar to your father. Completing the freedom program would help you start to identify why it is you chose a man like that and help you learn about ‘normal’ relationships and what they should look like.

Try the mediation but stop if it's not helpful. Don't be bullied, he's an arse
It will ge, stand your ground and protect your kids

It will get better

Thanks all. I know I've got to keep looking forward and remember why I left. I'll rethink the mediation thing as well. I can't stop thinking about poor dd there. I've ordered her a phone and wish I'd got her one before she left so she could text me whenever. I'm hoping to get the contact thing sorted and a financial order in place at mediation if it happens, if not I will let my solicitor deal with it.

You’ve done the hard work.
Well done.
He’s still controlling you by not having all the kids together. Twat.

7yo, yes, I thought about this part. It seems he ensures I will always have at least one child to look after so I never actually get to go out or have a social life. It was the same in the relationship. I couldn't even go to the shops by myself.

OK I'm going to be really harsh (sorry
Think of it this way... If he really loved you and the especially the children, would he do this. Or... Is he deliberately hurting his children

Do you really want either of those men

Please don’t go back. He’s not a good father. A good father remembers his childrens’ birthdays and will happily take care of all of them at the same time and a good father treats his childrens’ mum with respect and shows them the type of people they should become.

He sounds very controlling and abusive and as others have said he’s still controlling you and them by basically dictating when he sees the children. How did it happen that you and the children left the family home?

You say he’s just like your father and that you thought his behaviour was “normal”. Your daughters may end up doing the same and they may end up with the same sort of man. If you go back you’ll be telling them that it’s ok to be treated badly by your partner. There’s plenty of time for them to have a relationship with him when they’re older. He can put some effort in and become a good parent and earn their trust, but when they’re still young he’s not making their lives better by being a an absent, abusive and controlling parent. All the best

Just got to reiterate everyone else.... DO NOT GO BACK!

If he cared even a tiny but then he could move closer to where you and the 3 kids are? You say it’s cheaper plus he’d see them lots. Why does it have to be you moving back to somewhere you have no family support, to a man who doesn’t seem to even like you let alone love you, and is more expensive! There’s no sense at all in that! Plus your kids won’t be the ages they are now forever. In a few years, your eldest will be a teenager and able to decide for herself if she wants to go with him. If you move back with him, what happens when your kids all leave home? You’ve given up your life, they’ve gone and you’re stuck with a loveless man. What a waste of life.