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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed - heartbroken

42 replies

mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 08:57

Hi Guys,

I am new here. I have a certain situation I need advice on. I would like to get female opinion
So here it goes.

I have been married for 12 years few months ago I got divorced. I have a friend whom I new for over 10 years. Soon after divorce We have been seeing each other casually. I have fallen in love with her. She also had strong feelings for me. She did say she is not sure if she can cope with the fact I have 2 kids but that she'll give it a go. So for few months it was really good. We spent quality time together, had great sex etc. Recently I have been feeling bit down mainly due to me missing my kids and I have been bit distant to her. Few days ago we had a chat and she said she don't think it will work - the fact I have kids. And that she needs some space but she would like to stay friends.

I do think she's the ONE. She has a qualities of my perfect woman.

So now I'm devastated. Each time I see her as friend, it's absolutely killing me. I can't sleep can't eat. Keep checking my phone every 5 mins.

Should I try to change her mind? Even if she said it's a definite no?

I don't think I can handle just friends situation as I'm certain it will cause my heart to burst.

I am thinking more and more about completely cutting her off. Cease any contact forever. Delete her number, unfriend on facebook etc. I know this will be killing me but maybe with time I will heal.

What do you think I should do? Try to get her back, pretend I'm ok with being friends so I can see her or say goodbye forever?

Thank you

OP posts:
Sillysausage12345 · 26/10/2018 09:06

Why does it mean so much to her that you have kids?

RunningWhileTheWorldBurns · 26/10/2018 09:07

Don’t try to change her mind. She doesn’t want that. Cut contact and it’ll be so hard but you will get there

Original poster
mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 09:08

She doesn't have any and don't want any which always was fine with me. She said she doesn't think she'll be ok with that. She never met them. and she did made that decision without trying.

OP posts:
richdeniro · 26/10/2018 09:15

It's not the kids thing, she's basically just not that into you and that's her excuse. You can't change anyones mind about how they feel I'm afraid. You'll get through it but it does sound like you need to go no contact for a while.

thoughtcatalog.com/scarlett-longstreet/2016/11/hes-just-not-that-into-you-and-you-cant-change-his-mind/

Original poster
mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 09:22

Why did she say she wants to be friends and hang out sometimes. That somehow gives me hope. Makes me think she May want to see how things will go. Why not just tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore. It would have been somewhat easier for me. I still have hope. Still trying to hold on to it

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 26/10/2018 09:33

Her not wanting kids or not wanting to be with someone who has kids, is a perfectly valid reason to end the relationship.

Not sure why it would be assumed that it's a lie.

With kids, you can't just give it a go, if you are sure you want a childfree life. That's not fair on the kids.

Notacluewhatthisis · 26/10/2018 09:35

And yes, I would say cutting contact will be best in the end.

richdeniro · 26/10/2018 09:35

I don’t know, just my opinion I guess. If someone wants to be with someone else I don’t think they’d let anything get in the way to be honest. I’m probably just naive though.

ffffffffsake · 26/10/2018 09:37

Your kids are part of you and who you are. So she can’t possibly be the one or your perfect woman. This is possibly a rebound which would explain the strong feelings after a short time of dating. Pursuing a relationship would not be fair on you, her or your children.

Original poster
mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 09:39

I guess my gut feeling of cutting off all contact is the way forward.

OP posts:
PearsOfWisdom · 26/10/2018 09:40

Don’t try to change her mind, it won’t work, you need to respect her decision.

But it sounds like being friends isn’t working for you and that’s fine too. You don’t need to block or delete her, just tell her. If she’s a good person she will respect your decision, just like you respect hers.

Maybe you are not ready to date yet and need to spend some time learning to be single again and being a single dad. Do you have your kids 50% of the time ?

Original poster
mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 09:42

Yea I do have them 50% of the time. What bugs me is that she did say she wants to give it a go. And out of blue suddenly she's not ok with that. Without giving it a go really.

OP posts:
GalateaDunkel · 26/10/2018 10:09

When you say you were "a bit distant with her" what exactly do you mean ?

The fact that she was nervous about you having kids, and that this recent issue was about you kids is key I think.

Original poster
mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 10:16

I wasn't talking to her or seeing her as much as I did before.

OP posts:
griefindisguise · 26/10/2018 10:21

The reason she said ye can still be friends was just to soften the blow for you. Secretly she most likely wants to cut the cord with you too. I'm sorry I know it must be killing you but you should go no contact. The pain will pass with time. She's just not that into you

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2018 10:24

Dating someone with children when you don’t have or want any is a huge deal and completely different from being friends with them. You need to respect her decision and she needs to understand you’re sad and need space. You’ve been friends a long time so I wouldn’t rush to delete her from your life while things are still very intense. But be honest that you’re hurt, don’t try to change her mind, and say you need time and space to get used to the idea of the two of you no longer being together.

If you’ve known her for ten years how has she never met your kids before?

Original poster
mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 10:27

We used to work together and just stayed in touch.

OP posts:
Thewheelsarefallingoff · 26/10/2018 10:27

There really is no such thing as 'the one' op. You will get over her and be fine. Move on, cut contact.

GalateaDunkel · 26/10/2018 10:27

Agree with other posters, don't whatever you do see this as some sort of challenge where you need to win her back Hollywood style. The only thing you can do is accept what she has said and move on.

Besides all this stuff about here being the ONE sounds a bit lame considering you were married and had kids and have known her for 10 years. Sorry.

Original poster
mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 11:15

Thank you for your advice. I will completely cut her off..

OP posts:
Sethis · 26/10/2018 11:22

COMMUNICATE that to her though.

Don't just vanish off the face of the earth.

Write a long letter or email or have a face to face conversation where you explain that you love her, you're sad that the two of you can't make it work, and that you're desperately unhappy with seeing/talking to her as friends. Tell her this is why you've been distant. Tell her that you want some time apart to get over it.

If she's a decent human being she might understand.

Original poster
mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 11:25

I will do it face to face. Should I mentioned anything about hope?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2018 11:31

No. If you’re ending your relationship completely then you don’t leave the door open.

Please respect her position.

GalateaDunkel · 26/10/2018 11:34

She has asked for space, so I would say no letters. The ball is in her court, she ended the relationship and wants space. I would not initiate any communication with her, she has been quite clear.

Give her what she says she wants and if I was you I would shut up shop on the expression of romantic feelings now, she has rejected that so she doesn't get that anymore.

GalateaDunkel · 26/10/2018 11:34

That does sound quite cold, but it's the best advice.