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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed - heartbroken

42 replies

mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 08:57

Hi Guys,

I am new here. I have a certain situation I need advice on. I would like to get female opinion
So here it goes.

I have been married for 12 years few months ago I got divorced. I have a friend whom I new for over 10 years. Soon after divorce We have been seeing each other casually. I have fallen in love with her. She also had strong feelings for me. She did say she is not sure if she can cope with the fact I have 2 kids but that she'll give it a go. So for few months it was really good. We spent quality time together, had great sex etc. Recently I have been feeling bit down mainly due to me missing my kids and I have been bit distant to her. Few days ago we had a chat and she said she don't think it will work - the fact I have kids. And that she needs some space but she would like to stay friends.

I do think she's the ONE. She has a qualities of my perfect woman.

So now I'm devastated. Each time I see her as friend, it's absolutely killing me. I can't sleep can't eat. Keep checking my phone every 5 mins.

Should I try to change her mind? Even if she said it's a definite no?

I don't think I can handle just friends situation as I'm certain it will cause my heart to burst.

I am thinking more and more about completely cutting her off. Cease any contact forever. Delete her number, unfriend on facebook etc. I know this will be killing me but maybe with time I will heal.

What do you think I should do? Try to get her back, pretend I'm ok with being friends so I can see her or say goodbye forever?

Thank you

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 26/10/2018 11:58

Did you write about this recently?

Original poster

mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 12:05

I guess I'll have to go through all the motion up a and down and count on time healing my wounds.

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/10/2018 12:05

I do think she's the ONE. She has a qualities of my perfect woman.

She isn't and she doesn't. You are a father and she's made it very clear she has no interest whatsoever in your kids. That makes her very far from perfect for you.

Notacluewhatthisis · 26/10/2018 12:08

There is no hope.

Say you cut contact, she misses you and gets in touch saying she will try to accept your kids and you get together. Great.

Except she doesn't want kids. So she will resent you and them, eventually. And what if you kids get older and want to live with permenantly. Or their mother gets I'll and they have to stay with you. Or you just start seeing them more. Or have to ditch plans with her, because one of them is ill. I was getting ready to go out with Dp while my ds was with his dad. Ds was rushed to hospital. Dp thought nothing of plans been cancelled. He followed me up to the hospital and sat in the waiting room because exh dislikes him. He was there when I came out. He wanted to support me without causing drama. Seeing him sat there was the best thing ever. My Dp knows I have kids and knows they come first and wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you want that for your kids? Living knowing their dad's partner would prefer it if they weren't around. Why would that be ok for you?

swingofthings · 26/10/2018 12:09

She was hesitant and rightly so if indeed she has chosen a child free life. She then realised that you have gone faster than her feeling wise so putting her under pressure but also realised through listening to you the large place your kids have in your life and rightly so.

Maybe she is just wise, likes you a lot, but know that love is not enough to make a relationship works and in your case, there are serious barriers that she doesn't think can be overcome.

It is sad but yes, you need to move on.

Original poster

mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 12:15

You guys are amazing. Helping me surface thoughts I was hiding from myself. My path is clear now. Forget her. Heal. Move on.

OP posts:

Original poster

mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 13:09

Also I have asked her recently if we could re-visit our situation in few months. She said no with the following reason:"I don’t want either of us to focus on something related to us. Ultimately I know I can’t handle it. Can’t keep pretending"

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2018 16:49

She’s being honest with, that’s a good thing. She’s made a very understandable decision about how it’s not going to work between you and she’s refusing to string you along.

I know it’s hard but you do need to listen to what she’s clearly told you. I hope you meet someone wonderful. Try not to be too intense when you’re starting out in a new relationship. Also remember that while your children are the most important thing to you a woman you’re dating won’t feel the same. I don’t know how you’d feel about dating a woman who has children but take it from a step parent, it’s not an easy thing to do and it’s completely different being with a parent to someone who’s not a parent.

Likewise, while knowing she didn’t have or want children, you put your complicated feelings about missing yours onto her by withdrawing from her and probably making her doubt how you felt about her. That’s not really okay and something to bear in mind for future relationships.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and look to the future. I wish you every luck.

Notacluewhatthisis · 26/10/2018 16:57

If she doesn't want kids. She doesn't want kids. Revisiting it in a few months won't change that.

And as I said before, if she caves and you do get together how is that fair on her or your kids?

Choosing to not have kids or end a relationship because of kids, isn't a something people do lightly. She has thought about this. It's not what she wants. Respect that she has made a decision.

JK1773 · 26/10/2018 18:22

When my ex broke up with me unexpectedly he said he really wanted to stay friends. I couldn’t do it. I went completely no contact and it really hurt and I struggled but ultimately it helped me. I knew we were not ever getting back together and accepting that was key.

If we’d have still met up as friends I’d have kept hoping and prolonged the pain. He probably could have maintained a friendship with me but that’s because he’d made the decision to end things.

Half of me wanted to maintain a friendship to keep seeing him but tough as it was I didn’t. You need to take care of yourself and do what you know in your head is best for you.

As it happens I thought my ex might have been ‘the one’. With a bit of space and a clear head I now know he most definitely was not. I was caught up in a good relationship but actually he had many qualities that irritated me looking back.

Mine had also ended things with me because he’d become interested in someone else. I’ll never know whether there was an overlap but he was already emotionally involved with her before we split and he lied about that. I didn’t know this until very recently but it explained a lot about his sudden ending of what I thought was a relaxed and respectful relationship.

You’ll be absolutely fine. I am. I’m happily single and have been so over a year now

Original poster

mxcgrw · 26/10/2018 20:18

I'm meeting with her on Sunday. How should I tell her that I want to cut her off? Should I say that if changes her mind she contact me?

OP posts:

Notacluewhatthisis · 26/10/2018 20:20

Why meet her? Call her and tell her it's too hard to be friends. If she backtracked about wanting to be involved, just remember she doesn't want kids and she doesn't want your kids. You havent answered why you would risk putting your kids through this?

You won't listen. You will continue to pursue and you will end up miserable.

JK1773 · 26/10/2018 20:23

I agree. Why are you meeting her? Just explain by phone or text that you can’t and that you need to not be in contact with her. She’ll probably understand if she’s decent.

eddielizzard · 26/10/2018 20:24

I also don't think meeting her will achieve anything at all. I'd say that you respect her decision, and on that basis you wish her well. And then block. Seeing her will just make this harder.

griefindisguise · 26/10/2018 21:58

Meeting her is you secretly hoping to get her back but this is not what will happen. You will leave after seeing her with the pain 10 times worse

richdeniro · 26/10/2018 22:19

Also saying if she changes her mind she can contact you leaves you hoping she comes back and you'll spend the next few months torturing yourself that every text is from her. Wondering if each day will be the day she reaches out.

You need to take the control and explain (via text or on the phone) to her that cutting contact means blocking until you have healed and are over her. It's not about being mean or not a friend, it's about healing and moving on.

SparklyMagpie · 26/10/2018 22:34

Completely agree with @Notacluewhatthisis

Also why the fuck would you meet with her when she's made it pretty obvious and clear?

I know I read your thread either last week or before and you was given the same advice

It hurts but just let her be it's not the set up or life she imagined or wants for herself

RESPECT THAT!

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