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Original poster

How do i get over cheating?

39 replies

Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 07:42

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TalkWhat would you do?

How do I get over my boyfriend cheating?1

Yesterday 18:13Crazycatperson

I have been in a relationship (off and on) with my bf for around 2.5 years. We broke up for a few months in June last year when I discovered that he had cheated on me a couple of weeks after we had got together (for the second time). It was a one-night thing which happened as he had remained on dating sites for a couple of weeks and was keeping his options open (even though we had had the exclusive talk before his infidelity).

After breaking up in June we got back together in September. We missed each other to death and he explained that he didn't love me at the time of his cheating, and that he loved me and would never be that person again. He was regretful and didn't look to blame anyone else for his actions. Having been on dating sites myself, I am well aware that people do often keep their options open for a few weeks before committing to one, and I believed him when he said he didn't want to be that person who couldn't look me in the eye.

Anyway, we've made great strides in our relationship in that he moved in in April, he prioritises me above friends, when he goes out or works away he always calls me and lets me know what's happening. Despite this, I have become a crank. I feel uneasy if he so much as looks at a woman sideways, I always check to see who he has added on Facebook or Instagram and I look at photos he has liked. This has bene the root of many an argument. I recognise it's not healthy by the way! He has the patience of a saint as he says he recognises why I do it but it needs to stop - I am well aware that many other men would run a mile!

We have some real highs where our sex life is great, we laugh a lot and we spend loads of time together and then some real lows where I get angry during sex as I think about what he did or he just annoys me for breathing (I have bad PMDD so I put that particularly thought down to that)

Don't get me wrong, he is not absolutely perfect now as he does have a tendency to tell white lies. He has lied about who is travelling with him to appointments (he works away sometimes). My fear is when he is travelling with a colleague regularly, they will build up this emotional connection and he will think she is funnier than me and they will of course end up in bed together and have this sordid secret affair! (by the way he is 52 and the women he travels with are in their 20's so they're probably not interested but such is my mind - sometimes though I even accuse him when I don't believe it would happen - see, crank!)

I am fed up of questioning him about simple things (like now, he is away in Sunderland and said he is going to the cinema. My first thought was "oh really, who is going with you?". Whilst I can control my fears sometimes (particularly when we're getting on really well) other times I worry he will leave me or cheat.

Yesterday, after me moaning the night before about someone he had started following on social media (another threat - in my mind of course) I went to work to receive a message from him, telling me he had packed his stuff and left. He said he wanted to be closer to his children (age 20 and 17) who live in Liverpool, which is where he is from and that he cannot deal with my insecurities. I called him immediately and negotiated his safe return

He came back and unpacked his stuff but said that this was a last chance saloon and that he couldn't deal with any more accusations as I was taking the joy out of our relationship. He said he messaged me as soon as he had packed his stuff and drove off as he immediately regretted it and he said thanks for fighting for us. He did however say that he wanted to get his own place next year so he could be closer to his kids (and that he would stay at mine part of the time and I could go to his. This to me is a massive step backwards and after further consideration he is thinking of other options to this - either way, I feel restless and worried. He has massive guilt about leaving his children when they were only little. I kind of think he should have lived closer to them when they were little and that they have their own lives now. I'm seen as not understanding when I say this though!)

Obviously, all this has added to my insecurities and I kind of feel I am on borrowed time. I'd like advice from anyone who has remained in their relationship after infidelity. Or anyone who has got over insecurity (I am someone who has a history of sabotaging relationships I'm afraid).

I don't want things like "a leopard doesn't change his spots" (the kind of thing I've said to him!!!) as I have chosen to be in this relationship and want to make it work. Any kind advice greatly appreciated, not just venting like I just did!!! Xx

OP posts:
huttub · 26/10/2018 08:06

I think you need to let him go or let go of the past. Either way you need to address your insecurities and move on somehow. You can forgive and forget.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 26/10/2018 08:19

Given that he still lies to you, I can understand why you'd feel insecure. To be honest, it sounds to me as though he's trying to find a way to get out of the relationship 'gently' - I would not be at all surprised if the move nearer to his children results in less and less time together for the two of you as the time between visits and phone calls gets longer and longer until one day you realise it's been weeks since you saw/spoke and then realise the relationship is over.

FWIW, I could not continue a relationship where my partner had cheated, because I know that even though I could forgive, I would never forget and it would gradually eat away at me. I'd have to end it.

Original poster
Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 08:39

Yes if he moves away it would be the end as we would spend less time together. He's said he loves the happy me and won't go anywhere if I am like that. It's th ed insecure me that is wrecking us.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2018 09:02

I think the truth here will actually set you free. No its his cheating that is wreaking you and he is a joy sucker here; not you. He has a brass neck also to accuse you of taking the joy out of this relationship.

Why is your relationship bar so low that you have wanted to be with him at all now after he has cheated on you twice?. Do you not think that you deserve better treatment in a relationship generally?. He clearly does not. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

FinallyHere · 26/10/2018 09:33

a one-night thing which happened as he had remained on dating sites for a couple of weeks and was keeping his options open (even though we had had the exclusive talk before his infidelity).

It is possible that "it happened" because he is a cheater , even if he doesn't take responsibility for that. I would be out of there not asking for advice on how to get over it.

Accept that he will cheat (are you really ok with that?) or tell him to sling his hook

Hi @Crazycatperson I wrote the above before reading more than a paragraph or two of your OP. Now I read that he tells little white lies. Is that how you want your life to be?

FinallyHere · 26/10/2018 09:34

And he blamed you for sucking the joy out of life. I say he is projecting. The rest of my advice remains the same. You can do so much better for yourself, for someone to share your life with. All the best

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2018 10:17

Yeah, I'm not sure, he cheated in the first two weeks of his relationship with uou and hasn't since? At this stage he wasn't committed to uni.

I'm not in alignment with the other posters that he is the one at fault here. To be honest, I couldn't live with someone always thinking I'm cheating like this too, so I see his point.

If you can't get past it, and it seems you can't as you don't trust him, then I think the relationship needs to end. It's not healthy for either of you.

EquestrianL · 26/10/2018 10:24

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Original poster
Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 13:03

Just to be clear, he cheated once not twice. Thanks for your comments so far everyone x

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 26/10/2018 13:06

He's 52!! I thought you were going to be teenagers.

Tbh op it all sounds a bit too dramatic for my liking. He lies frequently, you don't trust him... I'd look for someone who can give you stability.

Original poster
Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 13:07

Thanks for your comments here. To be honest, my friends who know me in side out and know him too tell me the same thing. They all hated him when he cheated but now all are positive about him and say I need to let it go as they believe he adores me and won't do it again. So your assessment of me is pretty spot on. I would sabotage even the best of relationships I think. In fact I have.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2018 13:07

Well that is awful enough. Do you really not think you deserve more from a relationship?. He cheated on you two weeks into this relationship. This relationship is really a DFS here: a disaster from the start.

How old are you in relation to him?. He is 52 and he is not going to change for you or anyone else.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2018 13:09

Friends can often be overinvested in such matters and they are not with him day to day as you have been. So their opinion can be problematic in its own right. This is why it is helpful to have outside opinions from people who do not know either of you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2018 13:13

I think he adores his own self but that's about it. It could be argued that he did indeed put his own self before his children when he was younger too.

People who treat each other with respect in relationships do not choose to cheat.

JessieLemon · 26/10/2018 13:16

During all of this time where you questioned him and acted suspiciously did you ever seek any help for yourself around dealing with the jealousy instead of expecting him to keep assuaging it?

He’s a liar and a cheat but you knew that and decided to be with him anyway so at that point it wasn’t fair for you to keep expecting him to manage your emotions. It’s like dating a bear and constantly asking him to reassure you he won’t shit in the woods.

Original poster
Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 13:21

Thanks for your comments here. To be honest, my friends who know me in side out and know him too tell me the same thing. They all hated him when he cheated but now all are positive about him and say I need to let it go as they believe he adores me and won't do it again. So your assessment of me is pretty spot on. I would sabotage even the best of relationships I think. In fact I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 13:23

Not sure why the above posted twice!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 13:29

Is he a liar and cheat though? I'm just putting it out there - when I first started dating him, I was dating someone else too (I actually slept with the guy too). Once I'd sleep with my bf I ended it with the other guy. My bf doesn't know this. In my mind, I would never cheat on my bf and I am fully committed, but if he knew I had dated another at the start would he feel as I do?
The difference between us is that I effectively "cheated" after one or two dates with my bf whereas he did after we resumed our relationship after a break and we agreed to be exclusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 13:32

I'm 45 x

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaybunny · 26/10/2018 13:38

OP I could have written your post (only my ex repeatedly did bad things). It’s hard when the trust has been compromised in a relationship, some are able to forgive and compartmentalise the cheating and bad behaviour, it sounds like you (like me) are not one of them and are wracked with the memories.

I found out quite quickly into our relationship with my ex that he had been sleeping with a woman he’d had an affair previously (when he was married) and after many arguments and discussions I was able to forgive and forget but his lies and bad behaviour persisted and a string of other women were involved which made it impossible to move forward.

Have you tried couples counselling? It really helped us and it helped to have a third party involved who was objective. I’d also discuss with your DP that lies of any kind are a deal breaker, it’s the only way to rebuild the trust IME. My ex wanted to ‘prove’ he was loyal to me by offering up adding me to find my friends and apps such as that and having access to his phone but I refused, those things were not trust builders for me and only heightened my anxiety.

Please don’t blame yourself for this, he cheated not you. With that said, I think you need to be honest with yourself about whether you feel you can move forward from this as the constant worry will do you not your DP any good.

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2018 13:41

I don't really understand. He slept with two other women, or slept twice with the same one, in the first two weeks of your relationship and you also were sleeping with another guy in this time frame?

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2018 13:41

And he has been faithful to you since then?

JessieLemon · 26/10/2018 16:57

Wait, did you cheat after the exclusivity discussion like he did? Or did you just sleep with someone within the first few weeks of knowing him but before either of you had discussed or defined whether you were together or not? Cos there’s a big difference. Lots of people have had some overlap, no problem. But once you’ve agreed with the person you’re seeing that you’re exclusive it’s cheating and says a lof about your character and how you feel about the new relationship!

Don't get me wrong, he is not absolutely perfect now as he does have a tendency to tell white lies. He has lied about who is travelling with him to appointments (he works away sometimes)

You llterally told us he’s a liar. Adding ‘white’ before doesn’t stop it being lies.

Original poster
Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 17:23

No we aven't tried couples counselling but he said he is willing to try anything and he always asks what he can do to help me. I feel he is genuinely remorseful for what he did and that he doesn't want to do it again (he doesn't appear to have a history of cheating - he was married for years and has had long temr relationships. He said he was embroiled in dating sites and had a wall around him as he didn't want a relationship after failed relationships which involved kids)

When I "cheated" it was when we got together the first time and before we talked about being exclusive.

He cheated once. We were together initially for a few months and broke up as we were on different pages. When we got together again a few months later, that is when he cheated. He may well
l have been with other women the first time around, who knows, but the difference there is we didn't talk about being exclusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazycatperson · 26/10/2018 17:29

Since we have been back together again he has been faithful.

OP posts:
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