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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband going to use kids against me

47 replies

Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 20:55

Long time poster, but wiped history after the great “stealing of user names and passwords” fiasco a few years ago and not posted since

Anyway, married to horrible narcissist, much EA against me over the years.
Three young children, youngest is three eldest is ten, two in f/t school and littlest at nursery 15 hours a week.
He works f/t in fact he works 6 days a week and is probably a workaholic. I work for myself a few hours a week and I take the kids with me during school holidays etc. This was agreed years ago.

I’ve always been the stay at home parent and I do 99% of the childcare. Every sports day/assembly/Drs appt/parents evening/school pick up/drop off is me. He’s never here and if he is he’s somewhere the kids aren’t. I can’t rely on him at all with the kids.

Couple of years ago I got cancer and went through the whole shebang of chemo. It was awful and exposed some equally awful aspects of my D/H and now I feel stronger I’m considering leaving.

So a conversation started tonight about something which ended up with him telling me that if we split he would simply give up work and go for full custody with a view to getting 50/50 and not having to pay any CSA and ensure that I don’t get extra money from the house.
He apparently knows several men who have achieved full custody and at least 50% and that if he gave up work the court would grant him what he wanted.

Now I know it’s a typical cry of these sort of husbands, but I know him and it’s exactly what he would try to do. Not because he wanted them or even wanted them 50% of the time, but because he wouldn’t want to pay me a penny. He would then refuse to actually have them 50% of the time or pay 50% of anything.

Currently I pay for every single thing for the kids from clothes and clubs to every single present they’ve ever had. He pays nothing to me to help with this, which is all backed up by bank statements (we don’t have a joint account)

It’s not about being an equal parent, it would be about controlling the situation and me.

Is this likely to happen? Frankly it’s terrified me and makes me think twice about leaving.
He doesn’t really “look after” the children, he’s very lax almost to negligent with them and the thought of him having them full or half time so he can work cash in hand and send them to his mums simply so he doesn’t have to pay any money is frankly terrifying.

Surely a judge would see through this straight away? I don’t want to stay but I don’t want to put the kids into a position of being his little tool in a vendetta against me?

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 25/10/2018 20:59

God he's a highly original abusive cunt. How did he make those threats? Have you had legal advice? You're definitely wise to leave him. Collect evidence. Don't let him stop you.

Original poster
Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 21:00

Verbally. It’s always verbally. He’s very cunning and ensures he doesn’t say this in front of anyone.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 25/10/2018 21:04

But you have a smartphone? Don't let him stop you. He won't do it anyway. He's just trying to scare and control you.

ohamIreally · 25/10/2018 21:05

Laugh in his face.

What a cunt. No wonder you're leaving him.

Original poster
Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 21:08

This is the thing. He actually would try to do it!
He would give up work, he would work cash in hand (he works in his dads business which is his dads on paper but actually D/Hs but he keeps it in his dads name to protect it from me, so he would say he wasn’t employed then would continue there cash in hand iygwim?) and he absolutely would go for full custody.

He doesn’t make empty threats.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 21:39

Would he be able to get full or 50% custody if he gave up work?

Because I’m not leaving if he can

OP posts:
Bettalina · 25/10/2018 21:42

Many men behave like cunts during divorce. My narc ex offered me 1.25% of assets before we went to final hearing in court. He did his level best to leave me homeless, penniless & childless. He failed on all three counts but it was a battle. Flowers

worriedandannoyed · 25/10/2018 21:46

I'd hate to think that this could happen. Wouldn't he have to prove that they would have a better life with him than you, how would he financially support them with no declared income? You've met all their needs up until now, so what good would it do taking them away from you? A court should rule what is best for the kids x

Original poster
Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 21:48

Yes, he already hides assets and for years has felt if he says it his then it’s his and no divorce court would give me a share.

He’s a very greedy, selfish man. His desire to have the kids would be purely over money because this hands on dad wouldn’t be able to tell you the name of their teachers let alone anything else about them.

OP posts:
IsSpringhereyet · 25/10/2018 21:52

Op, I feel for you. Your situation sounds similar in some ways to mine. I tried to leave mine and he ramped up the abuse - it became physical. He is now trying to get me to drop charges against him.
You need to find a solicitor who has experience of abusive relationships. My H has told me he’ll take the kids and employ a housekeeper to “replace” me. In reality I don’t think he would cope with them and I can’t believe he could get 50% custody when he has no domestic skills whatsoever and has barely ever had them for long stretches on his own. But you will need to gather evidence and get good advice. I spoke to Women’s Aid today - they are amazing and they are experienced in cases such as yours. Call them and definitely get away from the bastard - you and your DC deserve so much better.

Original poster
Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 21:53

I don’t know how it works. I would like to think that after I cared for them all full time (including during my cancer treatment) that he couldn’t suddenly stop working and decide to have them all the time.

He would continue to work cash in hand but not sure how he would square that up.

His aim seems to be to teach me financially as obviously there would be an issue over child benefits and tax credits if he had them 50% so it would be a way to push me into more work so he could claim that he was around while I had to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 21:55

It’s the fear of this exact thing that keeps me here.

OP posts:
RB68 · 25/10/2018 21:58

Really and truly get PLENTY of advice before leaving. Make sure you take every scrap of everything if you walk, its best if you can get him out and get an order to stay in the home and a non molestation order to keep him away from the house. Make sure all decisions about the children and their education are sorted (because he will go against anything you decide and mean every decision will have to go to court to change nursery, school, where children go to secondary even where you can take them away to) make sure you can show evidence of everything being paid for by you. Go for a court ordered maintenance schedule, gather evidence regarding finances of the company he has and the monies he is drawing from it as income, dividends or other. Court ordered is stronger than CSA make sure it has a committal order attached to it so if he breaks it he can go to jail (one strike and you are out). Make sure you have access to anything of value take photos log it and have valuations done. Make good use of the domestic violence team . Please tell me you are in South Yorkshire their teams are bloody brilliant

iwillgetout · 25/10/2018 22:00

I have no advice for you but worried about a similar situation with me and my (d)p......I've had done legal advice and if you do leave make sure you absolutely take the children with you at the point of leaving as this would hurt your case later.

Butterymuffin · 25/10/2018 22:02

Shit hot lawyer. One that can run rings around this kind of bullshit. Find one, quietly get the advice you need and then act.

mineofuselessinformation · 25/10/2018 22:06

You do know that's complete bollocks, don't you? You've always been the main carer, so any court in the land would give you main custody, with him getting every other weekend plus a weekday each week if he wanted and could do it. And, that's bearing in mind he has somewhere suitable for them to stay, assuming that you will stay put in the marital home as the main carer, as you should.
You really need to get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in marital law. I suspect if you do, you will feel a lot stronger.
Don't let something that he claims will happen rule over your own belief in what is likely to happen. 
P.S. He sounds like a complete arse, and that you would be well rid of him.
P.P.S. Start divorce proceedings yourself, based on his unreasonable behaviour. You've got more than enough.

Original poster
Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 22:07

Yeah I wouldn’t leave without the kids.
He’s always made it clear he won’t leave the house, we would have to go.

I’ve been preparing to leave for some time and someone I trust holds an escape fund for me.

It’s just I know how he will be. He will use every means possible to try to destroy me.

He works for the business as just an employee, he gets a lot of cash so it’s hard to prove anything, he’s quite canny about money really and I did take advice and was told that because on paper he doesn’t own the business I would have no claim to it.

My best bet is the house, which he owned before he met me, but has been our family home for 10 years, however, he refuses to even put me in the deeds here as he thinks it stops me getting anything (again I have been advised this is not the case) but it gives you an idea of how he is about everything.

OP posts:
RB68 · 25/10/2018 22:07

In the last 5 months I have had my eyes well and truly opened as to what narcissitic controlling behaviour is by someone close to me it has been truly horrific. And in many ways she is worse off as she does own assets even though she has no access to them at the moment. She has had terrible trouble with benefits, carrying on working, changing school and so on he has spiked her wheels at every turn even down to phoning half the counties in the UK to tell them that they have not got his permission to register his child for school etc. These types of personalities will not stop at ANYTHING to destroy you so youhave to be prepared, be strong and fight fight fight with bloody good lawyers too - be prepared to spend between 15 and 30 grand to sort out divorce and childcare. Truly choose your lawyers carefully. Go straight to the top ones and make it happen. There are companies that will loan against your assets that are trapped in the marriage. Be prepared to have deposit and 6 months rent up front to rent somewhere if you do walk otherwise you end up trapped in a refuge - which also has to be paid for whilst you are there and if you are not entitled to housing benefit that is an issue!

Legal aid won't be available if you have assets either - so if they are over 16k there is no legal aid either even if you do not have access to those assets.

pallasathena · 25/10/2018 22:07

You have rights enshrined in law. Get advice, get angry, get assertive and get exactly what you are entitled to under the law of this land. And laugh at his pathetic attempts to intimidate you. He's a dick head OP and sadly, this country is full of them...

category12 · 25/10/2018 22:10

I think you should talk with a good lawyer on the quiet, and also Women's Aid. Get as much professional advice as you can so you're a good few steps ahead of him.

Pretend he's scared you into giving up in the meantime.

RB68 · 25/10/2018 22:10

In looking for a lawyer - look for one with domestic violence and abuse as the specialism - what he is doing is finacially controlling and his behaviour is beyond abusive - after a certain level it becomes violence. Please do talk to the Domestic violence teams before you take action

Original poster
Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 22:14

The school would back me up I think. I don’t think they have ever seen him but my daughter has told her teacher about the way D/H has behaved to me in front of her and the head teacher has asked if I need help before.

I sound a bit weak, but what withhaving had cancer and the treatment and the fear that went with it I’m finding it hard to add more shit onto the pile.
I’m already in counselling over the cancer and I don’t know if I can start the years of battle ahead to do this as well

OP posts:
Original poster
Elliebellybum · 25/10/2018 22:17

Fuck, that sounds really weak! I’m not, I’ve done lots of stuff on the QT, but it’s been the most hideous two years and it’s really taken it out of me

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 25/10/2018 22:24

Ellie, you need to ask yourself whether you want to live like this for the next decade versus the fight you will have to get yourself free of this man. Your kids deserve to live a better life, as do you.

Given your history of being the full time parent, the court will award you full residence with him having regular contact. It's quite rare in my experience to have a full shared care arrangement.

mineofuselessinformation · 25/10/2018 22:37

Oh, and if you have a joint account (I know I might get flamed here), but start taking out small amounts as cash back in your shopping. Hide it somewhere he can't get to (mine was folded up inside sanitary towels - he wouldn't go there!)
Drain it down as much as you dare, because this kind of man will screw you every way he can once he gets wind of what you're doing.