Husband going to use kids against me

[Elliebellybum]

Long time poster, but wiped history after the great “stealing of user names and passwords” fiasco a few years ago and not posted since

Anyway, married to horrible narcissist, much EA against me over the years.
Three young children, youngest is three eldest is ten, two in f/t school and littlest at nursery 15 hours a week.
He works f/t in fact he works 6 days a week and is probably a workaholic. I work for myself a few hours a week and I take the kids with me during school holidays etc. This was agreed years ago.

I’ve always been the stay at home parent and I do 99% of the childcare. Every sports day/assembly/Drs appt/parents evening/school pick up/drop off is me. He’s never here and if he is he’s somewhere the kids aren’t. I can’t rely on him at all with the kids.

Couple of years ago I got cancer and went through the whole shebang of chemo. It was awful and exposed some equally awful aspects of my D/H and now I feel stronger I’m considering leaving.

So a conversation started tonight about something which ended up with him telling me that if we split he would simply give up work and go for full custody with a view to getting 50/50 and not having to pay any CSA and ensure that I don’t get extra money from the house.
He apparently knows several men who have achieved full custody and at least 50% and that if he gave up work the court would grant him what he wanted.

Now I know it’s a typical cry of these sort of husbands, but I know him and it’s exactly what he would try to do. Not because he wanted them or even wanted them 50% of the time, but because he wouldn’t want to pay me a penny. He would then refuse to actually have them 50% of the time or pay 50% of anything.

Currently I pay for every single thing for the kids from clothes and clubs to every single present they’ve ever had. He pays nothing to me to help with this, which is all backed up by bank statements (we don’t have a joint account)

It’s not about being an equal parent, it would be about controlling the situation and me.

Is this likely to happen? Frankly it’s terrified me and makes me think twice about leaving.
He doesn’t really “look after” the children, he’s very lax almost to negligent with them and the thought of him having them full or half time so he can work cash in hand and send them to his mums simply so he doesn’t have to pay any money is frankly terrifying.

Surely a judge would see through this straight away? I don’t want to stay but I don’t want to put the kids into a position of being his little tool in a vendetta against me?

Thankyou.

I don’t want to drip feed, but this is quite outing if anyone I know is on here, but he was divorced when we met and a few years ago I read all the paperwork (he’s not great at hiding things) which is exactly when I decided to start an escape fund.

He drove his exw to the brink of destruction mentally and financially and attempted constantly to entice the children away from her using his money.

He did everything possible to undervalue property and income and she did not get a fair settlement. This divorce dragged on over two years.

Much of what she described mirrors my life, greed, stonewalling, spiteful behaviour, making life difficult, workaholic, never helping with the children, removal of things (like the car) if she wasn’t doing as he said etc etc.

When it’s going his way it’s fine, but as soon as you aren’t toeing his line.....

I don’t think he would stop. His aim would be to see my cancer return, remove the children and financially ruin me.

Fortunately for years I have been hiding evidence etc, because I had an idea before I read the paperwork of how he might be and most people who know me know how life can be for me because I figure I might need help from them at some point and I didn’t want to stay quiet for years and then announce “oh, he’s been EAing me for years”

I’ve been preparing for ages, but this has thrown me.

But he didn't actually succeed with what he did, tho? The ex-wife may have lost out financially, but she kept the dc?

It sounds like you've got the evidence you need to fight him. So it's taking that final step and getting that support around you?

Like I said, shit hot lawyer. You have the advantage over his ex in that you know how low he will sink. So find a good solicitor and tell them what to expect and what you need them to challenge. Continue to get prepared. Hide everything till the right moment.

She did keep them for a while, but ultimately he managed to get one of them to move here for about a year.

He will try.

How old are the children?
You need to make sure you are their main carer, make sure its you that takes them to all app and to and from school. Make sure its clear that you are their main carer. Also do not get to the stage that you leave with out the children as he may well refuse to give them back, this will involve going to court and by that time he has already established a pattern that the children live with him.. This will make it much harder for you to get them back living with you.
See a decent solicitor, they will need to be very clued up on controlling and manipulative men.
My stbxh wanted our children (not quite 50/50 but not far off). He lied about getting them up and about putting them to bed most nights etc etc. Keep a log of all the stuff you do!.

I ended up with a residency order, he sees the children eow and one night in the week!
The family courts only care about whats in the best interest of the children, thats the stance you need to take. If you dont want him to have them 50/50 cos you dont think its in the best interest of the children thats fair enough, but it needs to be about their needs rather than either the parents.

Yes, everyone would say that I was the main carer, including the school! Basically I do everything, including finding people to care for the youngest whilst I had CT scans and ultrasound scans as he wasn't speaking to me at the time and decided not to have the youngest so I could go.

I take them (and pay for) all clubs and activities, all parties, do all the school runs, cooking etc.

Kids are 10/6/3

When he used to have EOW and half holidays with his other child (who is now an adult) he never actually had that child. He went to work and i had her.

I don’t want him having 50% because he would simply not care for them. He would dump them on someone else, whilst not contributing 50% to anything.

As it stands he can’t be bothered to even help with the bed time routine, I do all of that, sometimes until gone 9 at night as youngest won’t sleep.

The kids know they can’t rely on him. They know he won’t come out on days out and that he breaks promises to them. He views the children as my job entirely.

I don’t even think they would want to be with him full time or even half the time. I’m their anchor tbh, I’m the functional parent who makes sure they are looked after and I’m the one they look to because they know that he’s not like their friends dads and he’s not really there for them.

You mentioned that you are in counselling regarding your cancer. Please do confide in your counsellor about the abuse if you haven't already or talk to the gp. It all adds weight to the evidence you are presenting. Also, as and when you go with the kids try to self refer them to CAMHS for support and counselling. Not only will it benefit them to talk about their experiences, CAMHS can also ask them about their views and wishes and provide a report to the court. A friend of mine had a similar experience to yours with her ex stating that she was alienating the kids. She wasn't and CAMHS backed that up from talking to the kids without either parent there. If the DCs are old enough and feel it would help them could the school help refer them for counselling sooner?

It’s actually quite hard and soul destroying because I am parenting pretty much alone 24/7. I don’t even discuss decisions about schooling etc with him because he’s just not really interested.
When he is stonewalling he also removes what little help he does give with regards to them.

The eldest one has had counselling via the school, it was meant to be about the impact of my cancer on her but ended up being about how she hates the way my H treats me.....
My counsellor knows the full situation here (of which there is a lot more but it would just be reams of stuff to write) and I have phoned womens aid a few times as well.
I told my GP some stuff a few years ago too so there are trails here and there

Go and see a solicitor with the info you have.

How have you paid everything for the kids for all of these years if you get no money from him and are a stay at home parent only working a few hours a week?

That would be proof enough to the judge if you can prove that. Like bank statements showing no money from his account ever, no joint account, and nothing from his bank account for the kids.

Just ask the solicitor to question him on his kids. Give questions that he should know the answers to. He won't, and the judge will then know he knows nothing and is a liar.

I agree! Don't wait for him to attack, get yourself advice, forewarn and forearm your SHL and decide what to do in advance.

Think about this logically.. your eldest already is in complete knowledge of what he is doing and how wrong that is. So she won't be going anywhere soon, she's Team Mum. The other 2 are too young to make decisions like that.

the chances of that man getting custody are non-existent, courts are biased in mothers favour as a rule anyway, and where you have provided 100% of all care and support to the kids, have evidence of his treatment of previous wife/kids, no judge worth their salt would rule against you keeping them.

Get your ducks lined up, you have very little to fear from this man when you know as much as you know and have the right people on your side.

Might HMRC be interested in all this cash? Might the suggestion that your and your SHL could have a little chat with them give him pause for thought?

Financially I survive on tax credits and child benefit, plus my eldest recurved DLA so I get a higher amount.

He pays his mortgage (which is very low, council tax and half the electricity) I pay all food/clothes/internet etc, it takes a fair bit of juggling.

I make a point of paying from my bank account for everything so that I can show what I paid for. In ten years I think he has put one payment in my account, other than that he doesn’t really give me money.

Thing is he isn’t poor, he obviously earns a wage but also has a lot of cash (which is put away safe from me of course) and he tends to buy the big things like holidays etc. However it’s all on his terms, if I say, for example, “we need a new front door” if he doesn’t agree he will say no, then tell me “of course we can have a new door, as long as you pay for it” knowing that I can’t.

So on paper he looks generous, but it’s only for things he wants to be generous for.

And re cash, he wouldn’t worry if he was reported. He siphons it through other people, none of it stays in his possession very long

OK, you have all the evidence you need, you just have to find the courage to use it. His threats are empty, the courts are not completely stupid and have seen all this shit before, ditto HMRC. They are used to tracking down cash siphoned here and there. He may end up getting away with it but with any luck an HMRC investigation could at least distract him from trying to get the kids for a while and won't look good in court either.

Keep gathering your evidence. If you can, try and have the same conversations again but record him on your phone. It won't be usable in court but could help a solicitor to know exactly what he's up to and how to find an angle against him. Would his ex-wife and children with her be prepared to back you up? Make sure you have copies of that information about his previous divorce to show this is a pattern of behaviour.

The most important step is to contact the relevant people, above all a good solicitor. Speak also to Women's Aid and the CAB to check your entitlements. Are you actually married? Don't leave the house. It might be in his name but it's for the court to decide if that would be in the best interest of the children. And of course make sure he has no idea what you are up to!

It won't be easy but you can do this and your life will be so much better after. I was involved in helping my cousin out in a very similar situation. She was like you, hanging on because she was so worried he would get the kids and leave her with nothing, as he threatened. Of course that didn't happen but her kids were incredibly damaged by what they saw for all those years. You do not want this to happen to your children. They already know too many unpleasant facts about the situation, the best thing you can do for them is to get them out of it.

Leave and report him to hmrc. Tell them how much cash you think he has been paid over the last 10 years. They dont need to find it, just evidence of a life style the delacred earnings cant support. They can really go to town on him

he would work cash in hand (he works in his dads business which is his dads on paper but actually D/Hs but he keeps it in his dads name to protect it from me, so he would say he wasn’t employed then would continue there cash in hand iygwim?

But if you are convinced he would do that, work cash in hand, that's illegal, so you can give HMRC a call to let them know?

If you contact women’s aid they should have a list of lawyers who specialise in domestic abuse. Sounds like you might need one with a forensic accountant.

When he used to have EOW and half holidays with his other child (who is now an adult) he never actually had that child. He went to work and i had her.

This is an important piece of info and your lawyer can make this point crystal clear.

OP I would go to the GP again now to get the whole thing summarised on paper. Not just ‘here and there’.

Detail financial abuse, general emotional abuse, his behaviour when you had cancer, DD’s counselling over the way he treats you (granted it started off being about cancer).

Plus his threats to you now and his treatment of his ex wife and it’s impact on her, and your consequent fears for your own physical and mental health.

It’s important that you do this.

OP you must act and do so quickly. I knew someone in your exact situation only she never left, the cancer came back, and now the kids are stuck with their Dad. As I understand it, if you divorce and have PR you can actually will this to someone (a family member who you trust etc) to ensure of the worst happened your kids would not have to go back to him.