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Original poster

Should I worry about this woman?

41 replies

Themusicjunkie333 · 25/10/2018 18:13

Been married 20 years.
I'm 40. As is dh.
A younger woman at dh work told dh she fancied him but as she is married and because my dh is married she would never do anything about it.
I think dh is attracted to this woman physically. I just know.
My friend works at dh work and I told her to keep an eye out for me. She has caught dh looking at this woman from a distance.
They chat most mornings apparently but not for long. All smiles and laughing but very brief.
Dh is the trustworthy type but I'm obviously feeling insecure. He's not acting any different at home.
I don't know if he just likes his ego stroked by this woman or if he's trying to get closer to her. Apparently he's the one that always instigates conversation.
My friend has been my friend all my life so I know she's not shit stirring. She wouldn't do that.
Should I worry? Should dh avoid this woman?
I think she has feelings for my dh. Dh told me he told her he's married so no can do.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 25/10/2018 18:15

Well; it's not the woman that's your problem, is it?

What would you do? Tell your DH to stop talking to her? Do you really think that's going to work?

PersonaNonGarter · 25/10/2018 18:17

Mmmm. She told him she fancies him? Why?

More like: they fancy each other and your DH has mentionitis.

Forget her. She is not your problem. Sort out your DH.

Original poster
Themusicjunkie333 · 25/10/2018 18:18

I don't want to bring it up with him incase he gets spooked. I want my friend to keep a close eye. She doesn't get close enough to hear what they are saying though.
My instinct is that he wouldn't do anything if pushed by this other woman but she is younger and attractive. I'm not sure if it's all ego for him but it still makes me feel like shit. They don't work directly together. He doesn't have her on social media.

OP posts:
Original poster
Themusicjunkie333 · 25/10/2018 18:22

Sorry to drip feed but she had said to dh that she fancied him and wanted to stay away out of respect for her dh. She must have feelings for him. He told me he felt embarrassed and told her he's married.

But my friend says he catches him staring at her from across the room or when she walks past he turns his head

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 25/10/2018 18:22

It's just really inappropriate to say that to him and why say it if there's no way she wanted anything to come of it. I don't know I mean he's been honest with you about it but he's distanced himself from her either

Spankyoumuchly · 25/10/2018 18:22

He's instigating conversation with a younger woman who fancies him...

You already know. What a disloyal git!

Lionsandtiger · 25/10/2018 18:27

Your DH is the problem to deal with. It sounds like he's attracted to her and enjoying any attention he's getting from her. Sounds odd that she said she fancies him? I would have thought it more likely that he was pursuing her (by your OP) and she said something to be polite and encourage him off 'oh you're an attractive guy but married and so am I so let's stay away'.

Original poster
Themusicjunkie333 · 25/10/2018 18:29

I'm just thinking if this woman told dh because she's finding it hard to be around him and trys to avoid him but then dh is turning his head and stirring up conversation, he's obviously wanting the attention from her. I don't know what he's playing at.
I just don't believe he has it in him to cheat. Or am i blind?

OP posts:
FlyingMonkeys · 25/10/2018 18:35

So in the 20+ yrs you've been together has he informed you that many, younger, attractive women are bursting to be with him but restraining themselves due to husbands or boyfriend's? And he bravely told her nothing can happen because he's married to you? (So, not because he loves you and respects you then 🤔). Tell him to pull his fucking self together, stop being an arsehole and fawning all over her in the office.

Rockandrolling · 25/10/2018 19:04

OP, everyone has it in them 'to cheat' imo.

Also, your DH is obviously lapping up attention from this woman, knowing that this could get back to you via your friend.

If your friend wasn't there to keep an eye on him, would he be even more flirty with her I wonder?

Bodabing · 25/10/2018 19:33

I'd not ignore it. Had the same but this younger married woman kept saying that he wasn't her type, but then used to text him constantly out of work with chat. One night she got drunk and it all changed. 4 weeks after I discovered the emotional affair, she had asked for sex (to get it out of their systems, FFS). He'd kept it to emotional supportive, but inappropriately close for two married people. It's still broken us. He lied to me, to cover her, even though it never got physical, even though he told her repeatedly he loved me it was still 4 weeks of deceit and putting her above me and our kids. I'm now supposed to forgive, ha. Her DH has left her, I'm putting my ducks in a row.

Original poster
Themusicjunkie333 · 25/10/2018 19:35

@flyingmonkeys he's def not used to the attention and he's not a natural around women. He's no confident charmer.
I don't think he's aware my friend can see him and he is unaware she knows, I told him I didn't tell her. But then he mite not buy that.
She is pretty, blonde and in her late 20s I would say.
I don't know why she picked my husband to mush over.
I do believe him when he says she told him and he was very embarrassed and he told her he was married so can't go there. I could tell there and then he was attracted to her though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Themusicjunkie333 · 25/10/2018 19:38

@bodabing I'm so sorry. This is what I worry about too, the emotional bit.
I've checked his phone and there aren't any numbers on there or texts to be suspicious about. I've had a good nosey on social media. All looks very cosy her and her husband. My dh not on there and I've checked his messages on messenger. I know I shouldn't have

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 25/10/2018 19:57

who are these married people that go around telling others that they fancy them... that's weird right ?? or is it just me Hmm

Singlenotsingle · 25/10/2018 19:59

He's basking in the attention of a younger woman, and enjoying having his ego stroked, isn't he? Especially if he doesn't normally get this sort of reaction from women. I wouldn't worry too much tbh. We're all vulnerable to a bit of flattery and attention... but make sure your friend stays on the case.

LemonTT · 25/10/2018 20:03

I am perplexed that two colleagues managed to have this conversation in any situation that wasn't mutually intimate and not in the workplace. Then he goes and tells you but the version implies she was the one giving him the brush off. Because, "I like you but I'm married, so this can go nowhere" or words to that effect, is the let down or blow off.

Sounds to me like he has a crush and he made a bit of a move and got shot down. He then told you a line to make out it was her in case she exposed him.

I'm not sure about having one of your friends spying on her (and him) is okay in the workplace. If your husband did make a move and she then becomes aware that somebody is spying and reporting back to you, she has one hell of a complaint against everybody.

Sorry for me, your husbands story doesn't add up and if your friend is to be believed he sounds like a bit of pest to this woman.

BaldricksCoffee · 25/10/2018 20:11

So... who was it who told you what she said to him? To be honest, I can't believe that is the sort of conversation people generally have at work unless there are feelings on both sides.

It's far more likely that he's told you that story in case there's any office gossip, your friend finds out, and tells you what's going on.

blacksax · 25/10/2018 20:12

You can bet your bottom dollar that the other staff will have already noticed...

puzzledlady · 25/10/2018 20:16

If you trust him - why would you go checking his phone/social media? Just ask him outright OP. This woman at work has taken a big risk telling your husband she fancies him - for what? Has he given her signals he is interested too?

Original poster
Themusicjunkie333 · 25/10/2018 20:23

I honestly believe he has given her signals with his staring. Apparently he has made the staring obvious. I think she fancies him. I think he would have flirted with her and she's reciprocated. I can tell when he's lieing. I think it's the truth.
But he's not distancing himself from her, if anything he's leading her on by starting conversations. My friend said she will have her back to him and he will just start talking to her to get her attention. She said that the woman stares when he's not looking too.
I think they have the hots for each other. I think it's all for his ego and he's not emotionally involved but what I'm trying to work out is if he is trying to bring them closer together or if he's missing the attention from her and stroking his ego from the attractive work lady. Either way I'm fuming.

OP posts:
FlyingMonkeys · 25/10/2018 20:40

But he's the one instigating the conversations and throwing the whistful glances according to your friend. For someone whose massively embarrassed he's not exactly keeping it to a professional minimum contact from the sound of it. People utilise secret phones and email accounts, or just delete and 'stick to set rules' to conduct affairs too (I'm not saying that's the case here but I'd be aware). If the situation was reversed would he just shrug it off if you told him the same scenario? Why would this woman put her professional career on the line to confide in a colleague she fancies him when they're both married? HR would be unlikely to see the amusing side of it all.

Original poster
Themusicjunkie333 · 25/10/2018 20:53

I just can't work out what his game is.
Ego stroke or wanting more? Yet I just don't see him having an affair or even chatting a woman up.
Ego stroke I can move past because he's a man who's thinking with his penis and not his head. An actual affair or a kiss or a touch would devastate me.
And if it is the ego stroke why not just be flattered and let sleeping dogs lie.
I've looked her up. I can't believe she would go for my husband. He's no George Clooney but he is handsome. She's blonde, curvy and really pretty. I'm brunette and bit of a plain Jane.

OP posts:
Katgurl · 25/10/2018 21:00

He's surprised and flattered by the attention.

You need to have an open conversation with him and tell him that pursuing attention and validation like this is how affairs start. At the moment he is thinking he's doing nothing wrong "so what if I'm talking to a woman?"

Try not to get angry or upset. Remember you could have your head turned by unexpected attention from a hot man. Honestly I would advise going out Friday dinner and when you're both relaxed tell him you're concerned at what he told you, that you are not immune to attention from other men (no harm to remind him you can turn heads too) and that there is a lot to lose.

FlyingMonkeys · 25/10/2018 21:04

Don't sell yourself short please! Regardless of whatever his game is (it may be nothing/it may be something), and no one can ever really know anyone beside ourselves. Protect yourself for you and get your ducks in a row. Whatever the outcome you need to be secure in your own position.

LemonTT · 25/10/2018 21:26

I wouldn't be so cool about this just being him coming onto a young (more junior?) woman in the workplace. Even in the slightest, not in this day and age.

Older men got away with this type of leeching in the bad old days but it shouldn't happen today. Even as a bystander I would call it out.

if this is truly going on as office flirtation, he is putting himself in a risky position. That's the conversation you need to have.

hate men like this in the office, roll on the days when they get consigned to the past.