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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiance just told me he is leaving on Sunday

62 replies

harrypotternerd · 25/10/2018 14:57

background - Fiance and I have been together three years and engaged since NYE. Wedding is supposed to be in April.
Tonight, out of what seemed like nowhere, he told me he is leaving me and going to live at his mum's on Sunday (she lives several hours away). The past few weeks we have been talking about plans for christmas with my DC (not his) and plans for the new year as well as wedding plans. I have been thinking about it the past few hours and cannot think of what went wrong, nothing has been different that I have noticed. He admitted he has been thinking of this for the past several weeks but 'hadn't decided'. He said he would leave on Sunday and he is leaving me $300 (which has made me feel even worse) and then asked me what he should say to my son who adores him. I told him I didn't know.
I just feel so broken. It is almost 1am where I am and I spoke to a friend for a little while but she is an optimist and seems to think 'he will come around, he loves you too much etc etc'. I can't sleep and just feel broken. I really don't know what to do or why he has chosen this.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 25/10/2018 16:09

Tell him you can manage the lawn and he can post you a cheque, and that because he has made this decision it is better all round for him to leave now. Ask him to find a B&B immediately.

You need to make sure you can afford to keep a roof over your head, and sort out whatever admin needs to be done to make sure you have ought to live on.

Tell DC he's gone to see his DMum and you're not sure how long he'll be. That buys you time to think about what you tell them, when and how.

Do you have someone else to look after DC when you have your appointment?

Orange6904 · 25/10/2018 16:30

Op this is exactly what happened to me a few months back. :(

He said exactly the same thing to me. 2 weeks of making me live in limbo and it just came out of nowhere. Sorry to say it was a co-worker he had been seeing whilst I was recovering from surgery. He decided to leave me hanging whilst he 'decided' whilst I had no idea what was even going on. I asked him to leave and he's been gone ever since.

ravenmum · 25/10/2018 16:38

Mowing the lawns and giving you money, huh? Bit of a guilty conscience? I also would really not want to help him feel better by accepting any of that.

EvaHarknessRose · 25/10/2018 16:40

I would speculate that if he works, and his mum lives several hours away, it seems likely that he might not be going to his Mums but have made other arrangements he doesn’t want to share. Stuff him though, as he is not being unpleasant or abusive and there is no evidence he is cheating, he is just ending it for whatever reason, an explanation would be nice but equally might be hurtful - don’t think about him, or drive yourself mad, think about you, extricating yourself from the bits of your lives that are intertwined, like wedding finances etc (make him tell everyone). And give yourself time to adjust.

Glossymare · 25/10/2018 16:45

Oh op, I feel for you x

Eliza9917 · 25/10/2018 16:57

@harrypotternerd Thu 25-Oct-18 15:57:10
I have known fiance for about 18 years - we went to school together and even before we were together, after I split up with ex, he would help me out with DC etc so it is not exactly a relationship I want to suddenly break.....I really just dont know.

You haven't mentioned that you love him. Maybe that's a telling sign of what to do.

Villagelifer · 25/10/2018 17:21

Unfortunately it all points at OW. Sudden decision to move out with his mum 2h away when he works. It's either not a sudden decision or he's not moving in with his mum or both.
I wouldn't say much to DCs, definitely wouldn't let that b talk to them to ease his guilt. As some PP said just say he's visiting his mum. It will be much easier and less traumatic once they have an established routine without him.

barkisworsethanmybite · 25/10/2018 20:33

How are you doing OP? x

bionicnemonic · 25/10/2018 20:50

Just to say I would t use the wording of him ‘not wanting to be part of your family’ I think your dc could take that personally. I’d stick with the ‘going to visit for a while’ then it may get forgotten if you can distract and keep busy

barkisworsethanmybite · 25/10/2018 22:34

I’d suggested telling dc he was staying at his mothers but ultimately when it’s definite that they are over then op needs to be honest and tell dc. Why should she spare that man by telling dc something other than the truth - he doesn’t want to be part of their lives anymore

dirtybadger · 25/10/2018 22:43

Where do you live OP- is online banking a British thing? Do people only deal in cash where you are?

I'm sure you can manage the lawn (or it can wait!) Confused

It does stink of OW. Maybe not....but I wouldn't rule it out. Or maybe he honestly does feel guilty just about leaving. Which, obviously, he should a little bit if he's been thinking about it whilst you've been planning the wedding. But I guess there's never a good time.

Now is better than in a few days time though. Surely he doesn't want to be living awkwardly live with you for a couple days anyway?

Mrstobe90 · 26/10/2018 00:19

He at least owes you an explanation.
Not the bullshit "I'm just unhappy" response.

I really hope you get some answers.

bluerinsesurrey · 26/10/2018 02:22

This reply has been deleted

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Villagelifer · 26/10/2018 06:30

@bluerinsesurrey, what a nasty thing to say, you should be ashamed of yourself. And your poor son, I feel for him.
So a woman who suffers abuse can't rebuild her life and is beneath your precious son? Ridiculous and ignorant remark. Luckily you're in a minority and most people don't punish the victims or their CHILDREN.

Antigon · 26/10/2018 08:15

we went to school together and even before we were together, after I split up with ex, he would help me out with DC etc so it is not exactly a relationship I want to suddenly break.....I really just dont know.

It's better for you and dc that you have a clean break. Anything else will cause more confusion and upset for your dc.

Please don't do the 'pick me' dance. Don't let him mow the lawns.

Take the $300 from him. Was that his contribution to rent and bills? Was he paying his way or a burden on you?

Antigon · 26/10/2018 08:20

@bluerinsesurrey

With a violent ex in the background and the financial requirement to look after his progeny, I'm not surprised the OP's ex fiancé has developed a sudden case of cold feet.

Except that adult men like your son often target single mums and take advantage of them by living in their homes and making minimal contribution to the running of the house, effectively becoming cocklodgers.

If my adult DS found himself in a similar relationship, my advice to him would be to leave and find a childless woman.

Advise him not prey on single mums while you're at it.

The fact that he's going to stay with his mum would suggest she's played a big part in his decision.

It suggests he moved in with the OP and used her and is now going to hide behind his mum's skirts.

MulticolourMophead · 26/10/2018 11:00

The fact that he's going to stay with his mum would suggest she's played a big part in his decision.

If he'd found another woman, he'd be moving in with her.

That he said he was going to move in with his mum doesn't mean it's true, especially as mum lives 2 hours away from his work. It could easily be that he's moving in with another woman and doesn't want OP to know.

barkisworsethanmybite · 26/10/2018 21:13

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barkisworsethanmybite · 26/10/2018 21:14

Op, ignore Bluerinse. I suspect it is a troll

Lavender081517 · 27/10/2018 07:03

Op I'm so sorry to read all of this and i agree with all the other posts.
Stand strong.
If he wants to go he can go.
He can transfer you the money or wire it over.
The lawn can wait.
He is trying to make himself feel better and ease his guilt for being about to leave.

Something tells me a year from now he will be regretting this!

Stand strong op you will get through it.

AsleepAllDay · 27/10/2018 07:06

Leaving you $300? What a measly sum. He can explain to his child how and why he's going & he can get to fuck - throw him out before then. Subjecting you to one last Saturday before going is cruel & unthinking. I'm sorry OP, I'm sure you don't deserve this & there probably is a woman who 'understands' him just out of frame

AsleepAllDay · 27/10/2018 07:08

Also you can have someone mow the lawn for about 20 quid, you don't need him - he's going to leave you to manage on your own anyway

Yellowsunredroses · 27/10/2018 07:22

I wonder if your health problems are the cause not an ow?

Often men go running when they think they have to be the carer. Google it - it’s really common for men to leave when their partner is ill, but women rarely do.

Whatever the cause - let him go. Don’t beg. This will have the biggest chance of him coming back if he is going to. And the biggest chance of you keeping your dignity if he isn’t.

wewillrememberthem · 27/10/2018 07:30

Cold feet, has he ever been married?

If you've known him that long surely he will have the decency to tell you why. Tell,him you want the truth no matter how horrible it may be but you'd rather know.

Angelf1sh · 27/10/2018 07:36

Definitely sounds like an OW. I hope you’re ok op and I hope he’s gone already.