Is this abuse? What do I do?

[NinjaTurtleMikey]

My SO is really argumentative sometimes and struggles with his temper. Yesterday he started shouting at me in front of my baby and 10yo so I told him to calm down and he got worse so I told him to leave. He called me scum and “left”. He’d waited in the back garden for me to leave with the kids and came out as I did and started again. Took the buggy with my ebf 7mo saying if he gets hungry he’ll just cuddle him, and if I go near him he will break my fucking wrist.
I managed to get the baby back and pretended to go to an appointment so he’d let me go but I went to my dads to let him cool off. My 10yo was so upset.
Unfortunately he didn’t cool off and sent me threats all day accusing him of kidnapping his baby. Driving around and watching every one of my family’s houses, threatening to kick their doors in. I had to say I rented somewhere to stay the night. I stay at my dads and he comes to the door where my sister says I’m not in and he shouts that “now he’s really angry.

Bear in mind I’m in contact all day just asking him to calm down so we can talk he goes to the police and files me as missing. They call me and obviously in answer with all the details. They escort me home to get baby clothes because in the past he’s hid waiting for me to come home then followed me. He wasn’t there but I was too scared to check the garden where I think he was.

I’m at my dads now. Ex/SO gave me abuse via text til 1am. I’m cuddling my beautiful baby wondering what do I even do?

Background story, Ex/SO has an awful temper but holds it most of the time. This is what happens when I don’t immediately agree.

Obviously this is very vague but I just don’t know what to do

You need to leave him. End of, and never look back.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What is your housing situation? Owned/rented? In both your names?

It's obvious your relationship is over and he poses a significant risk to you and your children, so your immediate priority is making sure you've got somewhere safe for you all to stay - can you stay with your dad for a bit?
What did the police say about contacting them if he threatens you again? Have they given you the contact details of a specific domestic violence officer, or should you call 999?

You say 'in the past he has hid waiting for you' - does that mean there have been incidents of violence and abuse before? If so, they need to be fully reported to the police now

Have you got all your important documents - birth certificates, passports, bank information, important photos etc - out of the house and somewhere safe?

Yes it's abuse and you should leave him. Imagine how your children will feel growing up with that type of behaviour. He needs to get help to control his behaviour before he hurts someone.

Hiding and following you is stalking. I would go over to the house with a group of people as protection and get what you need. (Important documents etc) no one has the right to behave like this. If he continues to harass and threaten you contact the police, keep records of everything.

The house is rented in my name and he left the keys but has access to the garden.

The police treated it more as him just being a dickhead and didn’t offer any advice.

He got like this when I was pregnant, I ended up getting away with my mum he did and chased us driving erratically in the car we were fucking terrified.

I can stay here as long as I like but I’m kicking people out of their beds I feel awful I just keep apologising. I cried in the bank yesterday trying to get some money out without any cards or ID just so I could get here

His behaviour is awful OP

If it is your house, you should be in it, and he should stay away. If he shows up, you should call the police straight away. If he does this a few times, he will get a harassment warning, and if he still persists, you can then apply to get a 'restraining order' against him

Do you think he has copied the keys?
You can replace locks cheaply and easily but you'll obviously have to let your landlord know but you should be able to feel safe in your home
Is it a private rental, and how much longer do you have left on the lease?

Is there any way of blocking his access to the garden?

Have you got all your cards and ID now?

This is basically the very tip of the iceberg. He’s not violent as such he threw a toaster when I was pregnant I just so happened to be where it was heading for even though I was already there. He’s taken my phone and locked the doors but always tells me it’s my own fault and I should be grateful

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/getting-an-injunction/#1447865473646-e11ae436-1121

I would get an injunction. The police will have a record of the incident. If he shows up at your house report it. I would only let him see his children at a contact centre. Also change the locks.

I’m terrified to be on my own he’s saying he doesn’t want me just to see his baby which I understand that it’s hurting him but it’s seriously his own doing I have to take my kids to safety. I have no faith in the police and every car or knock on the door scares me

Police again. Now. Show them every threatening message. I don’t know the legals, but you need some for the of restraining order against him so you’ll be able to have him removed if he turns up at your house. Act now. I’d also speak to women’s aid - they can be of great help. How awful for you! He sounds unhinged!

I know you say you’ve little faith in the police, but I can’t see how this can be resolved without them. Call them each and every time he turns up - it’s not time wasting, he’s making threats and it’s no wonder you’re terrified. Your poor kids too. It’s going to have to be police.

Is it really worth contacting the police though? He’s still texting me asking if I’m gonna stop being the poor, blameless victim yet. How I’m not worth it. How it was a fuck up on both our parts and I’m not absolved from blame. Bear in mind I only said that he needed to stop scaring my kids and calm down.

Get back in contact with the police.
Ask for their DV team and tell them everything.
Then call Womens Aid and get some advice from them.
It sounds truly horrendous but you need to keep yourself and your DC safe and well away from him.
Make sure you report ALL of it to the Police.
Everything he's ever done.
Start making a list now.
Then dial 101!

DON'T let him pass the blame onto you. Just don't.

Stop answering his texts. Just ignore them. In fact switch off you your phone.

Contact the police and tell them you are afraid for your own and your children's safety.

And yes, he's abusive. If any man had done even 0.1% of what he's done, he'd be out on his ear.

And, FWIW he's not keeping his temper under control is he? He's regularly losing it.

Even though he loves the baby and the abuse is only at me? He’s short with my eldest. He’s having a go at me saying he is calm and I’ve kidnapped his baby and I’m holding him ransom

What effect do you think witnessing that is having on the kids? It's totally traumatising. And abusive.

Ignore the texts. Stop engaging. It's only scaring you and winding him up further.

They are the reason I’m doing this. He says I have a delicate definition of abuse and he’s not abusive I’m being emotionally abusive taking his baby away

OP - I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with everything that has been said already. Leave his ass and try and move on with your life.

Please, if you don't do anything else today call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 - I had to call them recently and they were absolutely amazing & helped me so much in terms of how to manage a situation with my abusive ex. They are very busy but I left a message to request a call back and they contacted me within 4hrs.

I hope you get some good support from family and friends - which it sounds like you have. It is so disappointing that the police haven't given you any helpful advice ☹️

Keep copies of all the texts. Do not let him get to you. Your priority is your children. Stay strong.

It is absolutely worth contacting the police again

If he wants to see the baby, he can go to court
And when he goes to court, the reports you make to the police can be taken into account when deciding if he can have unsupervised access

He might have only directed his anger at you for now but who is to say when will happen when you're not there as his punchbag, and the baby won't stop crying and he loses his temper again..?

The abuse is not just you.

He's violent and abusive in front of the children.

He's abusing them too.

It is him, it is abuse. You are keeping your baby safe not kidnapping him. I am so sorry, I hope you get help!

He says I have a delicate definition of abuse and he’s not abusive

Yes he is. Categorically, he is. He is awful. Why on earth would you think he isn't?

At no stage in my 20+ relationship with my husband has he ever stalked me, threatened me, intimidated me, watched my family's houses, chased me in a car, stomped off with an ebf baby, called me scum etc etc.

Firstly you need to contact the police and get directed to their domestic violence team.

Secondly, you need to read the top pinned thread on this relationships board or click here

You are worth more than what he can offer you. Don't be afraid to be alone. It is better than living with him.