Is this abuse? What do I do?

[NinjaTurtleMikey]

My SO is really argumentative sometimes and struggles with his temper. Yesterday he started shouting at me in front of my baby and 10yo so I told him to calm down and he got worse so I told him to leave. He called me scum and “left”. He’d waited in the back garden for me to leave with the kids and came out as I did and started again. Took the buggy with my ebf 7mo saying if he gets hungry he’ll just cuddle him, and if I go near him he will break my fucking wrist.
I managed to get the baby back and pretended to go to an appointment so he’d let me go but I went to my dads to let him cool off. My 10yo was so upset.
Unfortunately he didn’t cool off and sent me threats all day accusing him of kidnapping his baby. Driving around and watching every one of my family’s houses, threatening to kick their doors in. I had to say I rented somewhere to stay the night. I stay at my dads and he comes to the door where my sister says I’m not in and he shouts that “now he’s really angry.

Bear in mind I’m in contact all day just asking him to calm down so we can talk he goes to the police and files me as missing. They call me and obviously in answer with all the details. They escort me home to get baby clothes because in the past he’s hid waiting for me to come home then followed me. He wasn’t there but I was too scared to check the garden where I think he was.

I’m at my dads now. Ex/SO gave me abuse via text til 1am. I’m cuddling my beautiful baby wondering what do I even do?

Background story, Ex/SO has an awful temper but holds it most of the time. This is what happens when I don’t immediately agree.

Obviously this is very vague but I just don’t know what to do

The problem is that if you don’t take it seriously, think you are to blame, think it’s just an argument and he’s ‘not that bad’ etc etc etc, and all the other faulty thinking that happens when you are not facing up to the reality of the abuse, then you can end up in a situation where the police don’t seem that helpful.

If the police aren’t very trained up with domestic abuse, and you are telling them all these half truths and excuses, and generally acting like it’s no big deal and probably all your own fault... well, they respond to that and decide that’s the truth of the matter.

Now that absolutely shouldn’t happen, and the police should be trained so that they can see through the surface and understand the psychological effects of abuse on the victim, but unfortunately sometimes the police are still rubbish at this.

I think you need to phone Women’s Aid and hopefully they will help you understand that you are being abused and then you’ll be able to be a bit tougher and clearer with the police and insist they help you as they should.

It’s time to get a bit tougher because you are being abused by this horrible man, and that means your children are being damaged too, by the things they are seeing and being exposed to. Don’t put up with it, or put your head down and let it happen to you all, protect yourself and your children, because you all deserve it.

I am truly worried for you OP. Please don’t minimize his behaviour. You are 0% to blame. This is ALL on him.
I’m sorry but he cannot be trusted near you or the children.
Message him to tell him to leave you alone. Block his number if you can.
Is there a family member who can stay with you for now? A big brother or cousin?
Call the police EVERY time he approaches the house so there is evidence Incase he goes to court to gain access of the baby.
Please keep safe x

I’m so at a loss. I just want him to see what he’s done for its severity but he said it’s 50/50 because I interrupted him. It’s probably partially my fault for letting him think it’s ok in the past and me not just apologising to keep the peace. He suffers from anxiety and that’s what he’s saying it is. He says he’ll just pick me and baby up and drop us home but I feel sick with fear at the thought of him. I hate keeping baby away from him (eldest is with his bio dad) but I’ve got no choice and he will never forgive me

Unquestionably abuse.

Please look at the women’s aid site.

He is trying to manipulate you into thinking you are wrong / abnormal and he is right / normal.

Please don’t listen to a word he says. Things don’t get better from here unless you carry on doing what you’re doing and put distance between you and insist on proper help from authorities - there are recognisable patterns of abuse that he is demonstrating. Hiding until you come out? This is not reasonable or acceptable behaviour. Threatening to break your wrist? Yes, the police should take this all seriously.

Well done for taking a stand and leaving. Your only mistake is in treating him as if he were a reasonable person that you can have a discussion with when he’s calm. He won’t get calm while he perceives that you will/can continue to defy him.

I’m so sorry, it’s devastating but you have done the right thing for your children.

Sorry I missed your update - you feel sick with fear? I’m so sorry. You’re obviously making the right decision. He knows all the right words to use...I suffer from anxiety and shout at my husband from time to time. I never threaten him with physical violence and try to make him afraid of me.

One more thing - please contact as many people for support as you can including charities or police who could offer protection. You are in a vulnerable position (I don’t mean to add to your fear) but taking steps to make sure you and baby and your older child are safe will make you feel stronger. I used to work on a women’s helpline so just have a sense of how confusing and horrible this time of leaving can be.

PS no way is ‘it’ 50/50 your fault for interrupting him!!! Not your fault. Not in any way your fault. He just needs you to believe that.

100% agree with advice from Wellthisisshit...when you talk to police, even if you’re tempted, don’t imply you’re to blame or make excuses for him...I feel genuinely anxious for you myself so can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling but please know - we all agree with you - it is abuse - you are right and your gut instincts matter and from what you’ve written you will keep your children safer in the long run by asking for all the help you need to keep him away from you. 💐💐💐💐💐

Thank you all so much. I’ve even sent him bullet points of each (11!) points that I need to keep the baby away and he’s convinced it’s just spite. That I’m asking too much of him.

Stop texting him. Stop all interaction.

You cannot reason with him. Or get him to "see the light". He won't. No matter what you say. You can't fix him.

Stop any contact. Stop thinking you can change things for him, he has to make this realisation himself.

Put your children and yourself first. This horrible, vile excuse of a human being has subjected you to some deep emotional abuse, even to the extent that you are actually questioning whether it is abuse or not.

You have probably had a really tough ride lately. End it today. PP have given wonderful advice and links - follow them.

You are protection your children, which is great. If you think that just because he is not physically attacking or aiming any of his abuse at the children that they are safe from harm, you are wrong.

Don't let him further manipulate you anymore. Stand strong OP. Lean on your family for support. I know if I was your parent, I'd give up anything to have you and my GC safe - as I'm sure this is how your dad feels.

Much love OP

Protecting *

This was me a few years ago. Please stop contacting him, log it with the police, get an injunction. You will be glad you did.

Get a friend around and talk. Be candid. A good friend will not turn around and tell you are crazy or need to appease him. You don’t - you and your children need to get free. These scenes you describe are a test, a test to see what you will tolerate. Don’t tolerate it at all, because as the song says, if you tolerate this, then your children will be next.

All power to you

It was also me 13 years ago

Stop contact
Change the locks in case he has more keys cut ( ask landlord)
Secure the garden
Keep a diary
Involve police
Organise supervised contact only

This was me 4 years ago.
I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, speak to the police, women's aid, a solictor, every resource there is, because it will not stop.
Stop interacting with him.

Hope you’re ok, Ninja, what a godawful day you must be having. Thinking of you

He's not calm though is he and you are protecting your children.
Throwing a toaster at a pregnant woman is most definitely violence.

It will be traumatic for your children witnessing their mother being abused. They deserve better.

Been there
Fled with a 7 week old baby
It gets worse

DO NOT GO BACK

BABY MAY BE TAKEN FROM YOU

I followed advice on here and got out
6 months of harassment ensued and now he has dropped us all and dating a string of innocent girls

Get out

My ex through a chair at me 37 weeks p g
So scary
Of course it was all my fault blah blah
Total loser and v v manipulative

Sorry to hear all this with yoh

And btw what he is saying is a mirror of what my horrid ex used to say
I was the abuser etc !!!

Get out never go back
He has supervised access which s s will organise
Womans aid are very good

Go NC for life
Trust me
So much easier

Solicitor can communicate with him not you

'You cannot reason with him. Or get him to "see the light". He won't. No matter what you say. You can't fix him.'

This. Stop contacting him OP. You will never get through to him. And get it out of your head that he 'loves' the baby. That's not love. He's just trying to use the baby as a way to emotionally blackmail and threaten you

Police. Women's Aid. Keep yourself and your children FAR away from him

Anxiety is NOT an excuse to abuse a partner. No it’s not 50/50 blame. He is the one in control of his actyNOT you.
This is NOT your fault.
Please stop contacting him. He won’t and can’t change.
It’s time to protect yourself and your children now.

He's abusing you and you are lett8mg him continue, hope you've gone to the police and reported it all.

I know how hard it is to leave that type of relationship, especially sharing children with them!

I recently left and I feel so relieved. Even though he's threatening me daily I'm glad he doesn't have keys to my flat. You don't need that type of negativity around your children. It is hard but in months to come you'll realise it was the best decision you ever made