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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trivial but looking for confirmation I'm not just being awkward........

41 replies

autumnleaves2018 · 25/10/2018 08:42

Hi

I had a thread not long ago about my boyfriend being reluctant to move in with me as he "wanted his own place for his independence", and I totally respect that.

BUT I've noticed that this independence usually means he comes to my place for the majority of the week where I provide all the shopping and cook all the meals! I realise this problem has arisen as I'm too easy going and just want to be "nice". This morning after staying at my place for three days he asked if I would mind doing some washing for him!! I said NO and yes I did mind if he wanted independence that surely included washing his own dirty socks and pants.

I'm totally within my rights to say that I know but why do I feel so horrible?? Am i just being petty and a bit of a bitch??

I think I know the answer and next this weekend I'm planning to ask what HE plans to buy and cook for supper for a change!

Small steps for not being taken for granted.

OP posts:
Kemer2018 · 25/10/2018 08:43

Yanbu. Peter pan needs to grow up.

ShatnersWig · 25/10/2018 08:43

I wouldn't put up with that shit.

Aridane · 25/10/2018 08:43

Any reason you don’t stay at his from time to time?

Aprilislonggone · 25/10/2018 08:48

Suggest he buys take away or shopping to cook you a meal on the nights he stays. Make sure you tell him when you want independent nights for yourself and send the cf packing with his manky pants..

Heatherjayne1972 · 25/10/2018 08:49

What would happen if you stayed at his and assumed he’d do some of your washing or pay for your food etc
I think you know the answer

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 25/10/2018 08:51

He is taking the piss because you are letting him.

Original poster
autumnleaves2018 · 25/10/2018 08:57

Wow, so many answers so quickly!

Aridane I don't stay at his more often simply because he lives in the middle of nowhere, it's too far away from my work and I don't have a car.

I do stay sometimes and he is getting better at at least buying a pint of milk so I can get coffee in the morning! But that was just after me telling him it was not on to not have anything in the house if he knew I was going to be staying.

I realise I've painted him in quite a bad light but he CAN be very generous sometimes; I just can't decide if he just doesn't think or if he is being deliberately stingy!!

OP posts:
Musti · 25/10/2018 08:59

Whenever I stay with someone I make sure I contribute! Whether I do a shop or invite them for a meal, I always do. I've started a ldr and I buy the meal because he drives a long way to see me so uses his time and petrol.

Giveyourheadawiggle · 25/10/2018 09:04

I spend more time at DP’s house than he does at mine, more from a convenience POV with childcare/distance from school/work etc. I’m really conscious of it, and constantly reiterate that he’s welcome at my house (even though we usually decide for the above reasons to stay at his). I bring food and wine as much as possible, do the dishes or run the hoover etc. if I’m there just before/after he is. He loves cooking though so often insists he’s got a meal planned, but I still offer most times to bring something. Although while I feel at home in his house, I don’t treat it like my own iyswim. I’d do my washing etc at mine!

It sounds like your situation is similar in that it makes sense for you to spend more time at yours, however it’s no surprise that you’re feeling resentful - it sounds like he’s taking the piss!! You’re right to say he should take responsibility for at least some of the meals! And if he’s there most of the week, he should be contributing towards bills too to be honest. He’s taking advantage! By being there most of the week but not contributing, he’s benefitting massively in reduced bills and food purchase, yet your expenses will be rocketing. I think a discussion needs to take place. If he kicks up a fuss, I’m afraid I’d have to end it.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2018 09:04

Wow - is he incapable of using a washing machine?
That's a very odd request.
And if he going to stay at yours over half of the time then he needs contribute properly.
Does he bring wine at least???

Kr1stina · 25/10/2018 09:06

Does he have severe learning difficulties ? Does he hold down a job and have a bank account ?

If yes, then you can assume that he does know that food and bills have to be paid with money. And that meals don’t fall from the sky onto your plate .

He’s a lazy cocklodger. Make sure he cooks and cleans up when he’s at your place , buys food and gives you money towards the bills.

You feel horrible about setting boundaries because you have been trained to think that you are his unpaid servant and must provide sex and domestic servicing in return for getting to say you have a boyfriend.

And he gets to be Mr Generous for buying you the odd bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine.

Cawfee · 25/10/2018 09:10

What are you doing OP? Read back your post. He’s taking the piss and pushing boundaries. Asked you to do his washing?? WTF? Are you an unpaid housekeeper? Laundry maid? Why are you putting up with this? He’s using your house, your electricity etc and you are providing his grub! He’s into a right good one and he’s taking you for a mug.

twoshedsjackson · 25/10/2018 09:11

Maybe you could say to him what you said in your OP; his "independence " is not turning out to be quite as he described it before he began accepting concierge services without reciprocation.
He probably knows it, but as long as you are "nice" it suits him not to think about the setup too deeply.
Maybe tell him what extra groceries he'll need to bring with him on his next stay? Or is he taking you out to a nice restaurant instead?

0ccamsRazor · 25/10/2018 09:11

Are you running a free personalised hotel for him? I think not.

He is taking the piss.

Singlenotsingle · 25/10/2018 09:12

He wants the best of all worlds doesn't he! His own place so that he can do what he likes, and a second home where he gets fed and spoilt! And he wants you to do his washing ? Shock Stop feeding him, don't do his washing either! He's a CF of the first order!

ree348 · 25/10/2018 09:19

He's taking you for granted, but at least you're doing something about it.

Original poster
autumnleaves2018 · 25/10/2018 09:22

Thanks for all the replies, and yes I do realise I've let this situation run on for way too long but I have told him that things were going to change.

He did apologise and said he did really appreciate all that I do for him and he never means to take advantage.

Hellsbellsmelons No he doesn't provide wine as neither of us drink, he does buy flowers now and then and take me out for meals so It's not that he doesn't have any redeeming features.

I guess it's just been a culmination of things that over time has just pissed me off!

OP posts:
BeerAndBassGuitars · 25/10/2018 10:06

Flowers now and then?

Hardly comparable...

dontgobaconmyheart · 25/10/2018 11:06

He says he 'appreciates' it presumably so the argument stops and you carry on doing it OP. Obviously he means to take advantage- is he having a laugh- having your own home so you can get away from your OH when you fancy and then settling in where the free food/chef is when you dont pay or reviprocate is the epitome of taking advantage. Saying he's not is just gaslighting you really. And asking YOU to do washing for him takes the cake. What a huge turn off it is when adult men are after a second mummy rather than a committed romantic partner who is an equal.

OP really do just stop doing any of these things for him. Don't fall back into it, don't let him eat your food, don't buy food for him, dont cook for him, don't wash his dirty clothes. The odd bunch of flowers is far less effort than you put in really, you presumably buy items of the same value which he consumes daily without considering you've done any lovely gesture. So don't fall into the trap of crediting him too heavily for things like that.
Would he ask and expect a bloke to do his washing I wonder.

I'd be careful here OP really, it's not a dynamic I'd want in a million years. Whether hes otherwise nice is a bit by the by if he's a weirdly sexist CF who doesnt take adult responsibility for himself at a reasonable age .

mogratpineapple · 25/10/2018 11:23

He treats you like a doormat. There is nothing good about being 'nice' in this way. Agree totally with above post

Trinity66 · 25/10/2018 11:58

hahahaha, stamp that shit out sharpish. So he wants his own freedom when he feels like it but he also wants an unpaid house keeper and sex on tap also when he feels like it too, um no. The cheek of him to ask you to wash his clothes, imagine if you asked him to do that for you?

TastelesslyDone · 25/10/2018 12:16

Apologies for the slight derail, but what does ‘CF’ stand for? I’ve seen it a few times and always substituted ‘cunt fuck(er)’ in my head, which usually works okay, but I’m pretty sure there’s an actual phrase.

In response to the OP, he’s taking the piss.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2018 12:25

The C in CF stands for cheeky TastelesslyDone.

OP - what are you getting out of this relationship now?. I can see the attraction for him and he certainly was a CF in asking you to wash his things but you?. It makes me wonder too what you learnt about relationships when growing up. What did you learn?.

Trinity66 · 25/10/2018 12:29

Oh and also, this isn't a trivial issue at all, it's a big warning sign to you of how he views women and their role in relationships. He isn't looking for a partner

TastelesslyDone · 25/10/2018 12:32

Excellent AttilaTheMeerkat, consider me informed.

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