Trivial but looking for confirmation I'm not just being awkward........

[autumnleaves2018]

Hi

I had a thread not long ago about my boyfriend being reluctant to move in with me as he "wanted his own place for his independence", and I totally respect that.

BUT I've noticed that this independence usually means he comes to my place for the majority of the week where I provide all the shopping and cook all the meals! I realise this problem has arisen as I'm too easy going and just want to be "nice". This morning after staying at my place for three days he asked if I would mind doing some washing for him!! I said NO and yes I did mind if he wanted independence that surely included washing his own dirty socks and pants.

I'm totally within my rights to say that I know but why do I feel so horrible?? Am i just being petty and a bit of a bitch??

I think I know the answer and next this weekend I'm planning to ask what HE plans to buy and cook for supper for a change!

Small steps for not being taken for granted.

He may not be stingy so much as lazy. It may be about him enjoying being looked after as well as the expense side of things.

OP, it’s no good asking him what he’s planning to cook for one Saturday night! Have a proper chat about this and organise a rota for shopping and cooking.

Again thanks for all the responses, they've left me with a lot to think about and your replies have also given me the confidence to perhaps alter other habits such as always being the cook etc.

I just find it so hard to stick up for myself! And that's my fault and no-one else's; unless I say anything to him he's not going to know how fed up I am.

I need to develop a backbone!!

Not trivial at all, he's showing you who he is, a man that takes advantage and keeps pushing for more; not a nice character tbh; red flags everywhere.

Stop minimising it for a start, he's using you OP and saving money on food, heating and whatever else he is freely using at yours; I'd been turned off completely by a man like this, you shouldn't have to pull him up on it, he knows very well what he is doing; up to you, but I'd honestly embarrass him and tell him you've noticed and not going to tolerate it anymore; yuck.

I need to develop a backbone!!
Yes you do.
You'll be walked over and taken advantage of for the rest of your life otherwise.
Some assertiveness training might help.
But.... STOP being a people pleaser.
It gets you nowhere in life.

Yes I know!

I heard a saying the other day and it really struck home:

"You can bend over backwards to help someone and they won't like you any the better for it and they sure as hell won't respect you for it.." or something like that.

Yeah that's so true ^

Could well be a CF but also he could just be thoughtless - had a friend in a similar situation. She made it clear she wasn't his cook and laundry lady and told him to arrive at hers with food/drink that they could share each alternate visit (so they basically divided the cost of meals) plus pay towards her weekly shop since he was using staples like loo roll, shampoo etc. She also did designated cooking nights according to their shift patterns. He took it all on board; they are now moving in together properly and getting engaged. So it's worth laying down the law and seeing if he listens.

Could well be a CF but also he could just be thoughtless

Would he ever be thoughtless like that with another male though? Would he ever ask a man to do his laundry or cook his meals? It's total sexist bullshit is what it is

I had an ex a bit like this, he hardly had anything in his house, quite often if I wanted food I'd have to pop to the corner shop yet at mine he'd expect crisps biscuits, coffee, weetabix etc, none of which I'd buy for myself and also I would do most of the cooking. My theory was that he was used to everyone always providing and doing things for him, his mother, girlfriends etc, do you think your boyfriend is like that OP? He definitely needs to relearn what 'independence' is.

When I read that this man "could be generous", why did I think this would amount to flowers and going out for a meal every now and then?

That's not generosity compared to buying groceries for most of the week and saving him quite a lot of money (and effort).

Asking you to do his laundry? FFS!

You need to knock this on the head straight away. Next time you need to go shopping suggest he pays, and then suggest you alternate, and then see if he automatically pays when it's his week, or if he needs you to not pay, or to bring it up. If either of the last two, then he's just taking advantage and has no desire to pay his way or do his share.

He sounds like a lazy cocklodger, as someone else mentioned.

Well, thank goodness he was reluctant to move in with you!
FGS don’t move in together until he’s shown that all he needed was this wake up call. Sadly, I think ingrained shitty attitudes need more than a wake up call.

Massive issue here which will only have greater consequences down the line. I'm speaking from experience here.

Long distance relationship (kind of - 30 miles away) - lived with his mum to begin with,. Took him 2 years to start paying rent and in the meantime was treating my house like a hotel - only here at weekends or when it suited him, only bought food in that HE would eat, took 30 minute showers with no intention of helping with the water bill and gradually started leaving me his dirty washing behind... When he did start moving in would only do so half the week and then make excuses as to why rent was late and often short changed me... until I broke it off with him and the money issue left me in a load of debt. Got back together 6 months later he promised to save up and we could find a place together (we'd been together three years by this point)... then when I moved in to my mums cramped 2 bed flat and was sharing a bed with my DD, was miserable up to the point I was depressed he STILL WOULD NOT save and got angry when I asked him why he had not seriously put away to move home when I had given my life away to start a new one with him. It took 8 months of living in that little bedroom with my DD for us to finally move out and for him to pull his act together. Last night we had yet another argument because he expects me to pick his boxers and wet towels up off the floor and pulls a face when its his turn to cook once a week....

Serious situation here and my problem to sort but if you are having these sort of problems now that's what it could potentially lead to! Just a warning.

Sounds like he's not trying to keep his independence at all hes using that as a ploy to deter you from whats happening, either that or he is trying to kid himself of his behaviour. He's training you up to replace his mum. Tell him to sort his act out and be a man - he either commits to you properly or doesn't.

Hope you sort this and be stronger and more clued up than I was OP, would have saved me loads of time wasted and bother if I'd have just opened my eyes to the realities of the situation in the first place.

He sometimes even stretches to buying milk for the coffee?? Wow, what an absolute prince!

Dump him. This type of stuff gets much worse when you're permanently shacked up with kids. Love yourself OP!

Youre being walked all over. He sounds bloody awful. Pint of milk?! What a gem. Grim.

You don't have to make a big declaration.

You just stop doing it all.

Redress the balance without great announcements. In your own mind keep a balance sheet for a while. He stays at yours one night, you stay at his the next even though that's inconvenient for you.

However, he has shown his true self. He has shown he is selfish and thoughtless. He is happy for you to be his mum. That would dry me right up.

Yes, you're all right.

Even if he is not doing it deliberately and is just being thoughtful, the resentment is causing serious damage so best to redress the balance right away.