Feel awful about this feeling of schadenfreude *triggering*

[EvenLess]

I'm a long time poster who has name-changed.

To cut a very long story short, someone who did me a great deal of harm when I was a teenager has recently died. Her son groomed me for a long time and sexually abused me for over a year. I was 14, he was in his late 30s. I knew him through church. He spent time in prison.

This woman let a lot of bad stuff go on under her nose. She always said she didn't know, but I can't see how that can be true. After her son was arrested, she came to my parent's house when I was away at university with an abusive, awful letter. She was eventually arrested and barred from contacting me. She stared at me every day at his trial in the corridors of the Crown Court. I was only 19.

When I found out she was dead my immediate feeling was triumph and happiness that my abuser is suffering because his mother is dead. Does this make me evil? I went through hell in their house. She knew there was something amiss. There were many adults in my life who did not protect me at this time (through school, church and some family members), but she actively tried to intimidate and discredit me as crazy.

To see many people post on Facebook, some of who I know, about the death of this 'good Christian lady' who they now think is in heaven makes me feel furious and ill. At the same time, I feel so guilty about my feelings of relief that she is dead and he is suffering.

Am I awful? And yes, I'm in therapy. This is definitely going to give me and my therapist lots to discuss next week. I don't feel like I can talk about this elsewhere. I'm moving countries in less than 2 weeks and am about to host a guest too. I can't outwardly break down.

I think your reaction is perfectly natural OP and I'd be furious too. Try not to bottle it up. Is there anyone other than your therapist that you can talk to?

I should be talking to my DH, but I just don't feel like I can. He doesn't understand, which isn't his fault, and we are so busy at the moment with this move. I did text him when I found out but we haven't talked about it otherwise.

You can feel anything you like. There's no right or wrong way to feel and you dont have to justify your feelings to anyone.

Could you find a counsellor to talk this through? It is quite heavy and most normal people arent equipped to deal with it.

You are not evil - what happened to you was horrific, life changing. You are bound to feel a range of emotions in response to this. Anyone would in your shoes.

*this death

Remember, she acted on her feelings to actively harm you. You aren't doing anything to harm anyone. What you are feeling is perfectly natural, don't beat yourself up about it.

It is totally natural to feel the way you do. This woman behaved terribly to you as did her son so the feelings you have about them both now that she has died are a reflection of that.

The thoughts that this in some way makes you a bad person are the wrong ones. Take care of yourself by being kind to yourself and accepting these thoughts and feelings as valid.

I can’t imagine not feeling like you in your circumstances.

I don’t think you are awful at all. In fact I think it is fantastic that they didn’t destroy your humanity and leave you numb. If there is a God, she will be having to account for herself whatever people post on Facebook, and if there isn’t, well she is gone and she can’t hurt you again.

You survived and thrived. Despite what these people did, you triumphed over them. Enjoy your metaphorical dance on her grave.

Ding dong the witch is dead. Perfectly natural OP, she can’t hurt you anymore and that feeling of relief must be massive. You have nothing to feel bad about. I give you permission to let this one go. for your horrific ordeal, you have suffered enough.

Thank you all. This is helpful. It's the early hours here and I don't seem to be able to settle. I'll be talking to my therapist about this when I see her next week, but unfortunately it's our last session as I'm moving back to the UK.

I've done so much work on this but there is so much more to do. I realised that today and it terrifies me how far I have to go to deal with all this, 15 years after it happened

I agree it's perfectly natural
that you feel the way you do about her (and him).
Will you continue counselling back in the UK?
I might hide anyone that knew them on Facebook for a while, so you don't see any upsetting posts.

I'll definitely be continuing therapy at home, it's my only safe space for talking about some seriously scary stuff that no-one else wants to/can deal with.

It's my own fault I found this out- I looked on the Facebook page of someone from this church. I do this periodically- it's stupid and unwise, I know.

She can never harm you again. You are right to feel happy about that.

Do not feel any guilt whatsoever.

Of course it doesn't make you evil to feel that way. I'm quite gobsmacked that you even think it might be really. You haven't done anything wrong at all. At all.

It's a very easy thing to question your entire world when a number of people think one thing, which you know isn't the case. It puts you off balance somehow.

You probably wouldn't question your feelings of guilt if the abuse had happened to someone else.

Your reaction is entirely normal (I'm a trauma therapist)

I would feel the same way in the same situation

I wouldn't question anyone else who had been through this and would understand why they felt this way. I wish I could extend that compassion to myself .

There's probably hang-ups from my former religious beliefs about forgiveness at all costs influencing this. I had to ask him for forgiveness after I'd denied to church leaders that I'd been abused after telling friends about it. Someone in the congregation had told me I could be taken away from my parents if the rumours were true and if he went to prison, it would be my fault

I've done so much work on this but there is so much more to do

Maybe not in the way you think though? You don’t have to accept or come to terms with or be reasonable about what happened to you. Maybe just realise that your feelings about it are okay, understandable and acceptable. They’re valid and allowable. They do not make you a bad person.

And the church congregation sounds warped.

Also fwiw as I wrote my previous post I hadn’t read your last post properly but I was thinking as I wrote it there seemed to be a strong Christian morality to the way you are almost turning on yourself. So I think you are right about your thoughts of what might be driving this.

Are you still a member of a church?

I don’t know her or you but I’m quite glad she’s dead too

I'm no longer a member of a church, though I have occasionally gone to other branches of this church over the years. It feels easier to turn it inwards than express my great anger towards the many people who failed me and allowed this evil to flourish.

I want to be a good person so badly. I try and love the people around me wholeheartedly. I have wondered this evening- am I good? Can anyone who holds such bitterness to other people in their heart be good?

Totally understandable feeling the way you do OP.

This woman wouldn't have been at peace when she died, how could she be, all the lies, hurt and pain she caused others.

You deserve to be happy and at peace OP, you've been through enough sadness, I hope you can let the pain and hurt go. Best wishes.

Perfectly natural reaction that you shouldn't feel bad about. Sounds like the world is a much better place without her.

When someone bumps your car, or knocks over a flower pot, or burns your toast, it's normal to be irritated. When they do it deliberately, they're an arsebucket and it's normal to be very ticked off.

But when someone tortures you and takes pleasure in hurting, or just doesn't care cos getting their jollies off (or protecting their son) is more important to them, then it's totally okay to hate them. It shows you know that you are valuable, you know that you never did anything to deserve that level of abuse, and you know that you are still worthy. They could not take those things from you because you are strong.

But feeling guilt from an internalized expectation that you're supposed to forgive them or whatever, no matter how much harm they perpetrated, nope, that guilt is totally misplaced. And if your new therapist so much as hints that you're wrong for having "dark" thoughts towards these people, then find another therapist.

Because for anyone to lay down an expectation on you that you should forgive, particularly when the guilty party never acknowledged wrong doing amd the damage they caused, no that's just a very subtle form of gaslighting which becomes it's own burden. Don't pick that one up.

Be well OP

OP please don’t feel guilty about your feelings. You are entitled to feel however you decide about this. Your feelings are perfectly valid and totally normal. I can’t imagine I would feel any differently in your situation.

Somebody I know visited the deathbed of their abuser. They were expecting an acknowledgement, apology etc. They got nothing at all. Abusers don’t appreciate understanding or forgiveness, they have no empathy. How else could they live with what they do.

She’s gone now. Don’t let this set you back or consume you. You’re doing really well. Acknowledge how you feel as normal and natural and carry on with your recovery.

Good luck with the move