Feel awful about this feeling of schadenfreude *triggering*

[EvenLess]

I'm a long time poster who has name-changed.

To cut a very long story short, someone who did me a great deal of harm when I was a teenager has recently died. Her son groomed me for a long time and sexually abused me for over a year. I was 14, he was in his late 30s. I knew him through church. He spent time in prison.

This woman let a lot of bad stuff go on under her nose. She always said she didn't know, but I can't see how that can be true. After her son was arrested, she came to my parent's house when I was away at university with an abusive, awful letter. She was eventually arrested and barred from contacting me. She stared at me every day at his trial in the corridors of the Crown Court. I was only 19.

When I found out she was dead my immediate feeling was triumph and happiness that my abuser is suffering because his mother is dead. Does this make me evil? I went through hell in their house. She knew there was something amiss. There were many adults in my life who did not protect me at this time (through school, church and some family members), but she actively tried to intimidate and discredit me as crazy.

To see many people post on Facebook, some of who I know, about the death of this 'good Christian lady' who they now think is in heaven makes me feel furious and ill. At the same time, I feel so guilty about my feelings of relief that she is dead and he is suffering.

Am I awful? And yes, I'm in therapy. This is definitely going to give me and my therapist lots to discuss next week. I don't feel like I can talk about this elsewhere. I'm moving countries in less than 2 weeks and am about to host a guest too. I can't outwardly break down.

Did you kill her? Have you sent a gloating message to her son? No.

You are not a bad person. Thinking ‘serves them right’ about people who hurt you is normal. Being angry about the platitudes & ‘don’t speak ill of the dead’ is also normal.

You are allowed to feel the way you do, most of us would feel the same. I’m sorry this has brought things up again when you’re already stressed about moving. But welcome to the UK 💐

OP I understand totally how you feel about this death.
It is important that you hold on to that feeling of 'vindication' for want of a better word. You feel justified in your own self-worth, I hope.
That sense of self-worth is important for your mental health so no harm in nurturing it a little.
Quite a few people who were mean to me as a youngster have had their 'comeuppance' later on in life and it does give a warm glow of satisfaction.

Not only is it natural to feel a bit of schadenfreude, but you might actually allow yourself to actually enjoy the feeling. In some ways it must feel like a bit of natural justice - karmic chickens coming home to roost! For you, the world is a safer and better place without this toxic individual. Schadenfreude about those who have severely damaged us is not unhealthy - quite the opposite.

No you're not a bad person, you are just rightfully angry with your hideous mistreatment.

I'd axe all the people on FB who thought this woman was anything other than vile.

You’re only human.
I suspect part of the happiness is about revenge (now he is suffering too) but part of it is relief that she will never be able to hurt you again. Like if a threat was always hanging over your head and now it’s gone.

I want to be a good person so badly. I try and love the people around me wholeheartedly. I have wondered this evening- am I good?

You don’t have to love those who have hurt you to be a good person

I think your feelings are entirely valid and natural. This woman allowed her son to abuse you and take so much from you. She may not have been the abuser, but if she had behaved differently, you could have been saved so much trauma.

Definitely talk it through with your therapist, but let go of the guilt for your feelings. I would be glad she is dead and I would also be glad it brought the monster that abused you some grief.

You were treated appallingly by this woman and her son and your reaction is quite understandable, a person you know to be capable of harming you and and presumably others is no longer a threat.
Have the compassion and understanding for yourself you would have for a stranger in your shoes.

Op your feelings are normal and valid
This woman will have to give an account of herself to God - justice will be done- as a Christian I’m not convinced she is in Heaven tbh anyway I am glad your seeking therapy

You are a good person - I second the idea of releasing the guilt ( I don’t think you’ve got anything to feel guilty about tho ).

I’d be dancing on her grave, and wouldn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt.

You must be feeling so many emotions right now. There is no need to add guilt to the mix.

You are only human

You cannot control how you feel, only how you deal with those feelings. Anybody who enabled your abuser is complicit, and they in turn will have to give an account of themselves.
I can understand how your faith has been tested by these horrendous crimes, but if you know your Bible, just remember:
"Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord", and think of what Jesus said about allowing children to suffer, "it would be better for them that they had never been born".
GK Chesterton, in one of his hymns, describes "all the easy speeches/Which comfort cruel men" and what you are seeing on Facebook is denial and self-justification. The day will come when they have to give an account of themselves.

Someone once said to me that forgiveness is only for the repentant. It seems this person had no repentance for what she had done/enabled.

Be kind to yourself OP.

I'm in a similar position and God already knows how I will feel when mine dies. I've asked His forgiveness for not being able to let it go and I've told Him we'll discuss this next time I see him

I'm so glad someone has posted from a christian perspective. What you have been taught at this former church is not christian, it is religion. Two very different things.

It is not your job to be good. Even Jesus said he wasn't good. Deadly religion says you should be good at all costs. Apart from anything that is absurdly unrealistic!

If it helps at all, when my evil abuser (christian) ex husband died suddenly in an accident I was absolutely euphoric with joy. A massive hit of delirious joy that the bastard was dead and couldn't hurt me any more.

yy I felt guilty about that, mainly for my kids, his mother, his wife. But I know it was entirely human to rejoice at what looked like justice. Justice is an important aspect of our relationship with God imo.

Take your intense feelings to God, who loves you without exception and is infinitely kind. Religion tells you you have to be this or that to be acceptable to God; God tells you to come as you are, you are dearly loved whatever.

When you get to blighty, please seek out a balanced church that doesn't spout damaging and revolting religion - the wolf in sheep's clothing.

Can you arrange for skype sessions with your therapist until you get settled in the uk with a new therapist?

Take care and be kind to yourself

Thank you everyone. Woke up from 4 hours sleep puffy eyed but have to get my game face on for our guest today. It can be very lonely being on this journey (haha I've lived in the US too long, talking like that) but I do need to try and reach out more.