bloody men and internet porn - again

[ernest]

not for the first time, (although seldom) I caught my dh looking at internet porn. I know some people are a lot more liberal towards this, but I hate it, feel offended by it and very upset.

He even tried to lie and say he wasn't, even though I'd seen the hastily-closed pages. That was 2 nights ago & we've barely spoken since then & I've slept in thespare bed.

As well as looking at the porn I'm also really pissed off he's not really madxe much effort to bring our frosty silence to a close. I tried to speak to him last night, annoyed that he'd just gone to bed & let it drag on another night. I told him I found it offensive etc, then perhaps stupidly asked how he'd feel if he caught me looking at pictures of men to which he burst out laughing & said he'd find it really funny. So I stomped off saying I don't see anything funny about this situation. So there we are - 3 days now of not talking & I feel so down it's also making me miserable & bitchy towards the kids.

but apart from terlling him I hate it or not talking to him, what can I really do anyway? Maybe I should just pretend not to notice, because all that seems to happen is we don't speak, I eventually break the ice then everything carries on as before.

And lastly, we have sone. I don't want them bringing porn into the house. I know people are going to say that's unrealistic, but shouldn't I have the right to have a certain set of standards in my house. And if I find something degrading & offensive, shouldn't I be able to say so & ban it? What's the alternative - a copy of playboy on the coffee table? A communal jazz mag in the loo?

Sorry, I feel really pissed of about this atm. Any suggestions? Please? Apart from chop their willies off

Sorry don't really know what to say but I would feel the same - I think it is degrading to women and see it as a weakness in a men. However with your sons it is different because they are your boys an dare learning and developing so you can explain to tem the reason why porn is there and how it makes soem people feel. when it is your h looking at it it is different especially if there are other issues in the relationship or if it becomes a power thing. Perhaps you could talk calmly to him about it and maybe by lauying down ground rules for it you make it less naughty and therfore less attractive for him to look at - is that a bit devious tho- I hope you can sort this out - Sorry I have not been able to be more helpful

Well I found some pornos on our computer when I was 8 months pregnant - which distressed me! Especially since my dh was not showing any interest in me sexually during my pregnancy . I approached him and he could see how upset I was but said it was better than going out having an affair which he would never do. He said he felt a bit uncomfortable having sex with me carrying his child. I felt as if he had cheated on me and felt betrayed, because he should be coming to me instead of jerking off in the living room late at night!

When I found them (pornos) on the computer I looked up the history to see when and how many times he had viewed them so he had no way of talking himself out of it. He was vey embarassed, and didn't really think he was doing anything wrong, as he said he had been interested in them since he was 13. This was news to me and I thought I knew everything about him! I said I wanted him to tell me what turned him on then that way I could be involved in the process rather than being left out, as I had needs as much as he did. He couldn't really tell me why he liked them so much, but I gather that it made him feel a bit naughty?

Anyway I have told him that I would prefer to know what he is up to and be open minded about it rather than him being sneaky and selfish. The other option I felt was to turn a bling eye - which I could not do! He says he understands how much it hurts me and says he would give it up, which I don't believe he could. After telling him this I said I didn't mind him doing it if he was honest about it and opened up to me more. I just couldn't bear the thought of him going behind my back getting sexual pleasure elsewhere.

Anyway it is still a issue in our relationship, I still check the history on the computer, as my trust is still being built up again. He hasn't really talked about it as he says that he is embarassed. Having a new baby doesn't really help your sexual relationship, as time is an issue. I would like to think that if he really wanted to watch some porn then he would tell me why, and maybe we could work through it ourselves. I might be kidding myself but at least I'm trying to address the issue honestly.

I don't know if this will help you or not, as peoples opinions can vary so much! I wish you luck though.

oh dear, i would hate to think my dp looks up porn, especially since his dad and brother are obsessed with it! Have you tried to explain to him about how it makes you feel? It's the only thing I can suggest. Sorry if its not much help. xxx

Get net nanny software on your computer - our ISP has cleanfeed (provided automatically as we use an ISP that supplies schools, cheap deal). Stops me looking up lottery or buying bras online, though!

Ernest, trouble, (sorry this is long)

I went through a similar thing with my dh a while ago.

1st we had a phone bill on which had a "premium rate" number on it - the call cost £15!!!!! I was so shocked I called the No to find out what it was - 10 seconds into the call it was obvious and I put the phone down. I asked dh about it and he said someone at work had given him the number and told him to call it for a joke - he said when he realised what it was he put the phone down - yeah right £15 for a few seconds - I don't think.

Anyway then I was on my computer and found a website on the fav's list - was most pissed off but he said a friend must have used the computer - I asked him who and he said he didn't know. I mean, a friend coming to our house to use a PASSWORDED computer - yeah right.

Anyway then I found a magazine under our bed - it was of women dressed up as school girls which i found utterly repulsive!!!

We argued about all of these and it got me knowhere so recently I have tried to express my wishes to join in EG perhaps watch a pron film together.

I thought that being open with him would make it less "tabo" and if it was made an open subject he wouldn't do "the business" in secret anymore.

Well the other week I found a porn film in our vcr which I was really upset about. He tried to tell me he'd brought it home from a guy at work for US!!!! But in that case why didn't he say he had it - he'd obviously been watching it for it to be IN the vcr!!!

I'm still trying to be open about it but I know how hard it is - hugs to you both!!!

waitinggame, this is just a thought, but maybe this was your husband's awkward way of showing you the video he had got for you both to watch, by letting you 'find' it in the vcr? perhaps he was too embarrassed to just bring up the subject any other way? he obviously isn't very good at hiding his tracks (the porn mag under the bed, the internet site on the 'favourites' section, etc) so maybe he does want you to be involved and start to enjoy using porn together? from what you say in your post, you're obviously trying to be open minded, even if it is hard, so perhaps this is his way of bringing the subject up, as it were?

Ernest - I think if you tried to 'ban' porn in your home you would probably just make it more taboo and thus more exciting. However, you do need to make it clear how unhappy you are about the situation. Can you try to come to a truce? For example maybe he can discreetly read a mainstream mag such as Penthouse or Playboy or whatever, but nothing more hardcore? I feel for you as I'm quite open-minded about porn, but don't know what I'd say if I found DH using it. I don't think the issue is so much about the porn itself, but more about the other issues it would raise about our sex life and individual sexuality. Sorry can't be much more help than that.

I think if you're upset about it you should sit down and talk to him, make him see your point of view, don't just ignore him as it will make matters worse.
Personally there is 'one thing' that turns my dh on that I don't like doing and I once saw that he had looked at some women doing it on the Internet and it didn't bother me, I just thought well at least I don't have to do it and he's happy :) (however if it was anything involving underage people or animals it would be a very different story of course)

Hellomama,

I wish I could say that it was his way of sharing but it wasn't!!! It's a bit of a long story but to cut it short - it's an old vcr which we hardly ever use. A few days after we came back from our holiday I mentioned about sharing porn and then about 2 days later I found the video. He was still on holiday leave and hadn't been back to work so he obviously had the video before.

I'm turning a blind eye to it at the moment, I'm fairly open about "sex" issues and it doesn't bother me if he wants a wank - I sometimes do it myself

Like you say - it's the fact he lies about it!!!

I actually even suggested "swinging" which I thought would please him - he was very shocked I mentioned it and that was quickly withdrawn as an option!!!

Oooh, this is a tricky one isn't it? It's difficult to know what advice to give - my dh likes it and I know he looks on the internet and has vids/DVDs that he shares with mates at work and, OMG, my brothers! At first, the thought of it made me feel sick and it felt like a personal insult, but from talking to lots of friends and stuff, I've just accepted it's generally a part of a blokes 'make up' and we'll probably never change it (sad though I find it!).

We've talked about it and I realise that it's not because I am lacking although there is no doubt he'd probably like sex more than I do (well, I've been pregnant for 9 months and already have 2 toddlers) so it's just a release for him - he says it's not really a substitute for the real thing though and he doesn't want me to look like the people in the vids (thank the lord!).

I'm with Vic17 though - I needed absolute honesty and reassurance that he wasn't into anything 'sick' (animals, children). I'm sure your dh is keeping it from you because he thinks he knows how you will react - I find it's better that it's out in the open and I know about it but it's clear that I don't want it 'under my nose' (I've occasionally come across mags or DVDs when searching for something else and despite my 'liberal' and 'accepting' attitude it turns my guts every time).

I suppose the way you go with this depends on how strongly you feel about it but I'd say it's probably a mistake to try and change it and it's better to talk it through.

Enough waffle - I hope all these messages help you.

Blimey skate,

all that chat whilst in labour - your a brave lady

I think I've hyjacked ernest's thread here.

For me it's been going on for ages and it doesn't really bother me now. As for the women dresssed up as school girls - it's not a perv thing - it was a Britney Spears type thing (!?!?)

I hope though that from this discussions Ernest you can see that being open about it is the best thing. Talk to your dh and friends - I think you'd be surprised to find that alot of women allow their husbands some "personal" time IYSWIM

my colleage at work is always telling me how much her and her dh like to watch porn together and as her dh has a very high sex drive if she can't be bothered to have sex she tells him to go and "service himself" in the spare room!!!

I think that where there is a situation in a relationship where the two of you have opposing views (however strong they are) you both need to sit down, with an open mind, and listen to each other's points of view. Why does he look at it? Why do you find it offensive? If you can both explain and listen, maybe you can both understand a bit more. And that would be the starting point for finding a way forward.

Did you ask why he felt the need to look at porn? Men are very visual and even the most "seen to" men can still get the urge to look at variety which doesn't necessarily been that they are the unfaithful type, maybe some men aren't open about it because they know how their partners will react.

if he keeps it private, surely it is his right to look at it? i know it's hard, but we are all entitled to our own private time to do what we want with aren't we?

i am one of the liberal ones you refer to...but if i wasn't, i feel like i would still not be in a position to ban porn or give my husband a hard time for watching it, he's an adult and is entitled to it if that is what he wants (besides which ime anything 'banned' becomes instantly more compulsive).

i know that we don't see this the same way, and that you're really struggling with this as you find it offensive. but what is it that is getting to you so much? is it the exploitation of women (i can see your point on this in a lot of porn)? is it that you feel the sexual aspect of your marriage is threatened (i don't get this one, the fantasies we all have don't in any way take away from our intimate relationships, if anything the opposite, and frankly, if there was porn out there that did it for me, i'd be looking at it the whole time!)...

tbh, i feel for your husband a bit: he hasn't tried in anyway to make you upset...and you've reacted very badly to something he was just doing in private for his own pleasure...

sorry, i don't want to make you feel worse, but can you see it from his point of view?

i think it is wrong, i don't like it i do find it offensive. the women in these pictures/videos are someone's child/parent whatever, not a piece of meat to be wanked over.

I agree he should be allowed some private time, but I don't agree he can do what he want. I don't think he should go off thieving, I don't agree he should go off shagging other women, just as I don't agree with looking at porn.

I also don't like the fact that he's lying. I don't think I should just innocently walk into a room to be faced with that. Do I need to knock every time I want to enter a room in my own home, just in case?

I also feel almost as strongly about the fact that he hasn't bothered to sort it out. he has been quite happy to let this drag on instead of talking about it, but short of accepting something I really hate, what sorting out is there to be done anyway?

ernest, I do agree with you. Whilst he is entitled to private time for himself, there are certain activities that I wouldn't be happy with. You could extend that logic and say it's be okay for him to have an affair in his own private time.

He should not be doing anything behind your back that he would not do in front of you. He should not be looking at pictures of naked women when there is a real live woman available to him and most likely waiting for him in the next room...that's simply an insult.

And he definitely shouldn't be lying about it.

I definatly agree about the lying - that is a problem, and I also agree that he should be more sensitive to your upset over this matter.

I have to say though I do disagree with the idea that it is an explotation of women. The women who appear in these videos CHOOSE to do so and I would think get paid a bloody fortune for doing it. They are not being exploited - and lets not forget that there are also MEN in the videos.

Plus women faught for a long time to have the same right etc as men and I personally think it's great that in 2004 women are as open sexually as men and we are now "allowed" to enjoy sex.

If I was stick thin and gorgeous I'd be raking it in as a porn star.

Ernest,

He hasn't tried to do anything about it? Just wondering - have you approached it? Have you both sat down with the sole purpose of airing both of your views and trying to come to some sort of 'agreement'? I can see your point - if you really hate it that much and he really likes it, it's going to be hard to compromise but I honestly think that the majority of men, whether they admit it or not, look at some sort of porn and that you are unlikely to change that just because you don't like it.

It's difficult because you are right that you can't say he can just do whatever he likes with his own private time but he's not actually doing anything illegal or hurting anyone (like others have said - the people in the vids choose to do it so know they are 'being wanked over' and are fine getting paid a packet for it!). Men are very visual creatures and I'm just wondering if it's really that bad that he watches others have sex as a release for himself??

This is such a tricky one as everyone is entitled to their own view and they are usually quite strong on this one.

What is more of a concern to me,is his attitude towards you, when he could see how upset you were. Laughing is just not on. You may have different opinions on porn, but he should respect that you were obviously hurt and upset about it, and respond in a way that was comforting, and not by laughing at your feelings.

Forgot to say - I fully understand the lying part. That would be the part that would upset me the most but I think the reason here is his knowledge of your reaction.

That's why I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better to talk all your concerns through, get reassurance, it's all out in the open but you make it clear that you don't want to be 'finding' it anywhere or stumbling across it and having to knock on doors.

I didn't realise he'd laughed - that isn't on and doesn't help.

Um, (changed my name for this!) have to say that my husband and I do from time to time watch some channels on Sky and really enjoy it! I quite like watching it, especially two women together and funnily enough my husband says he isn't interested but he likes watching me enjoy it! Every now and then I look on the web (when I get the urge by myself lol) and just lately our sex life has gone beserk because we've used it for the last few weekends in a row.

I guess at the end of the day you can't deny what you are feeling and he has to know this. I don't personally think that the women are being exploited - they get paid and they are enjoying it. It never takes away from how I feel or how I'm attracted to my husband. Maybe if one night, you can sit down and watch something with him and ask him what it is about the porn that turns him on, he'll relax a little and talk to you about it. I'm absolutely positive that there is not a thought in his head that he is not attracted to you and probably feels like it is just a tension release.

I'm quite relaxed about it all, but would want to sound a note of caution about the "they get paid therefore they're not exploited" thing. I think it's a whole load more complicated than that and, whilst I fully admit I know very little about the porn industry I strongly suspect that the ones who make the real big money are the fat (male) cats who run it. I also strongly suspect that for every powerful, confident, in control female porn star there are some very vulnerable, very lonely ones too. I shouldn;t think it's the pleasantist of industries to be part of.

I am so pleased to have found this thread. I found out this morning my H has been looking at porn on the internet and I am 8 months pregnant. I can't begin to explain how sad this has made me feel, I am pleased there are so many "open minded" woman on this thread but I am afraid this has really shocked me. I almost feel as though I have been cheated on and I know it's far from it but this really hurts. I guess the bottom line is our sex life pretty much stopped when I found out I was pregnant because of fatigue and generally just not feeling very sexy, I thought he understood and it wasn't such a big deal for him.

I think what hurts so much is he lyed to me and now I am not sure if he has been contacting these woman on chat lines or just looking at the pictures. He says it was out of curiosity but has been looking at the porn site more than once.

Every time we try and talk about it today I just burst into tears and feel beside myself. I keep thinking this has just been a nightmare and I will wake up. I keep thinking the worst like he has/or will cheat on me and leave me on my own to have this baby. I am not usually this insecure and am sure that all of my pregnancy hormones and worries are coming out at once. He has never cheated on me and says he would never do that.

Could all of this stress and upset harm the baby?