Question for those who are NC with family

[gothefcktosleep]

If you are NC with family members (or anyone perhaps) did you tell them that you were cutting contact with them and tell them why? Or do you just stop? How did you reduce the contact if you did it that way?

I didn’t actually know “going NC” was a thing before mumsnet and it’s got me thinking about a situation in my own life, I think hearing how other people did this would really help. Thanks.

i dont talk to my mum and brother, havent done in a year and a half, i didnt tell them i just stopped all contact but i was after a huge family fall out so wasnt hard. its annoyinng seeing my mum in the street sometimes (not often) but we just avoid each other.

Yes, we wrote them a letter, gave the conditions of what we expected of them going forward, and explained the consequences for contacting us. It took about a year of saying the same thing over and over again for it to sink in though.

Yes and no, I've reduced contact with my dad and given him an explanation of why I won't be having anything to do with other members of my step family as I wouldn't see them anyway and they're always round each other's houses.

I stopped contacting my mother and didn't explain why, although she knew why!

DD1 cut contact with the rest of us for completely understandable personal reasons.

I said I needed a break from our relationship (sister is very black and white thinking so I had to say it like that) and tapered birthday and Christmas gifts less and less down to nothing over a period of a few years.

She had it in her head that she was matriarch so people should check in with her. She would not lower herself to call me so I just stopped calling her. Result!

I told dm I couldn't have the sort of relationship she wanted, she accepted and wrote a self pitying list of all her faults and said she undersood. I didn't rise to her letter and we are nc for 7 years and ten previous to that.
Df walked away at the request of sm.

I'm interested in this, I would never go NC with my family but we all respect each other. I find it quite hard to understand but obviously haven't had to deal with what some have in terms of abuse. However given this is mumsnet and lots of people have children, would you not be devastated if in future your own children go NC with you?

I’ve been wondering what other people have done as BIL went NC with every single family member seemingly out the blue, no fallouts. It’s torn MIL apart.

A friend of MIL managed to get hold of him on fbook to tell him MIL was having big lung surgery, suspected cancer. To be fair to him he visited her for half an hour the day before she went in but then nothing again.

I think there are so many self centred people on here who are quite happy to go NC with their parents without dreaming it might happen to them in return from their own children. I would say they should remember that children learn from example. They will have seen you cast off your own parents and this will show them that is the norm. You reap what you sow!

erm sometimes people are FORCED to go nc as their parents are abusive! i would rather not have an abusive person around my children.

I think there’s usually a huge history/backstory with people who go NC with parents, usually involves abuse of some kind.
@jeanne16 I think it depends on how the NC is explained to your own children, they know my mum, their Nan, was very nasty to me whilst growing up and know a few mild examples of her behaviour so they understand why there’s NC and don’t have any wish to see her.

And in answer to OP, reduced contact then moved and didn’t supply new contact details. Always been careful about my traceability too, I’m ex directory and not on the open Electrol roll.

jeanne 16 I totally agree.
That's why I am nc.

I’ve been wondering about this.
I’ve stopped speaking to my dad. I never told him I was done, or why. He still sends me messages and sometimes asks what he’s done.
I’m not sure of the best course of action but it’s also hard to pinpoint an exact thing. It’s a build up of my childhood and his attitude to everything. But knowing what he’s like it seems pointless to tell him.
I do feel bad, but I feel worse when I’m in contact.
And to address a previous poster. I am terrified that my kids will stop talking to me when they are older. I just hope I’m a good enough mum and person that they will want me in their lives.

People don't go NC on a whim though. I am NC because of emotional and sexual abuse. It's not like my parents were just a bit annoying.

I am NC with my siblings. No explanation needed. They think I’m an arsehole. I think they are arseholes. It’s taken many years of explaining to my parents this is the situation though and they refuse to accept it. I do feel sorry for them but not enough to subject myself to my siblings.

I would never go NC with my family

I think there are so many self centred people on here who are quite happy to go NC

What if they abused you as a child and you want to protect your children?

What if they repeatedly do something to harm your children's health?

What if they try to have your child taken from you for no good reason?

What if they try to save your career, reputation and ability to earn?

What if their wilful negligence costs you £thousands

What if they damage your mental health?

Just a few examples of my DMs behaviour....

You reap what you sow! I wonder if I deserved an abusive childhood, and should let her do it all again to my DC

I am NC with my sibling after years of a toxic relationship. We had a falling out and I never spoke to her again. I'm better off without her in my life but I miss her kids.

I see and support NC with abusive / toxic relationships with parents or family members. That’s a given in my book.

I suppose it’s just a bit strange if it does come out of the blue and does seem to be done on a whim, if the people you’ve gone NC on try and reach out and understand/mend the relationship but you still don’t put forward your reasoning. Especially when everything seemed fine one minute and suddenly it’s not the next.

Just got me thinking, but thanks to everyone for the replies and try and go easy on each other... NC isn’t easy for anyone I think.

I am NC with my two sisters. It's nothing to do with abuse but they are both horrible negative people in different ways and I'm better off without them. I am sorry for their children as we have very few other relatives, and their behaviour has deprived the kids of an aunt.

I am NC with all except my dad. He allowed abuse to happen although generally did not involve himself. I don't share my phone number or address. He knows vaguely where I live as he flies into a city about an hour away to visit my children - they are the reason he has contact - because they asked to see him again.

I never did try to explain before going NC for the final time. I spent decades trying to make them treat me as a human being. It was all denied - there's nothing left to say.

A friend's adult daughter had a mental breakdown a couple of weeks. My friend sobbed that it would've been awful if her daughter had been all alone and unable to come home to be safe.

Would, wouldn't it.

Yeah, I just 'cast off' my mother Jeanne, that's right. Nothing to do with her allowing me to be sexually abused aged 10, nothing to do with her not allowing me to be anything other than an extension of her. Nothing to do with her narcissistic hold on my life and revelling in her own instability (turning up on my doorstep from a city hundreds of miles away, crazy phone calls 4 times a night, through the night, so I stopped answering the phone for 3 months, saying someone had not died when they did, thinking everything, I mean everything, revolved around her) until I was in my mid 20s, no, it was just a whim.

OP, actually she cut contact with me. It was such a relief. The last contacts we had were by letter, the last thing she wrote to me was she never wanted to see me again (basically because I would not dance to her tune). And I thought good, that settles it. So in a sense I was lucky, I didn't have to do anything on that side of things, "just" come to terms with no contact and be at peace with that. I won't lie, not always easy, but as others have taught me, I mourn what she should have been like, not what she was really like. Over 20 years ago now, no regrets.

i have been no contact with my mother for 12 years. she doesn’t care, as she is a sociopath.

it still hurts me though, a great deal. living with the knowledge that my mother doesn’t and has never loved me is very hard. it’s still healthier for me to not be around her.

However given this is mumsnet and lots of people have children, would you not be devastated if in future your own children go NC with you?

I would. Absolutely.

But I'd hope never to have my hands round my children's neck shaking them when they were 20+, or to be sending them 6 months of letters of venomous name calling, or be kicking them as they lay curled on the floor as a teen. I'm not a punching bag.

I hope to teach my children to treat people with respect from my example. I also hope to teach them to have enough self respect to accept that sometimes, you can't have a reasonable relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you. A few people in this world will wish you harm just because that's the sort of people they are.

I think there are so many self centred people on here who are quite happy to go NC with their parents without dreaming it might happen to them in return from their own children.

By the way there are a lot of fathers who walk away from their children and lose contact because they basically can't be bothered. You might want to consider that. You sound so very black and white and the world's got a lot more shades of grey.