Question for those who are NC with family

[gothefcktosleep]

If you are NC with family members (or anyone perhaps) did you tell them that you were cutting contact with them and tell them why? Or do you just stop? How did you reduce the contact if you did it that way?

I didn’t actually know “going NC” was a thing before mumsnet and it’s got me thinking about a situation in my own life, I think hearing how other people did this would really help. Thanks.

I think I've been very lucky with my family, but reading some of these harrowing stories I understand.

This is one of the saddest threads I have read.

Some of the comments on here are clearly coming from the perspective of people who had happy childhoids with supportive, loving parents. Of course you wouldn't go NC with parents who loved you and treated you well - why would you?

Sadly not all parents are like that. And what people who haven't suffered abuse at the hands of their parents don't seem to understand is that there comes a point where you actually don't have a choice - either because your mental health is in serious danger or because you see your parents start to behave the way they did with you, towards your own DC.

I don't believe anybody goes NC on a whim or for no good reason. I suspect that's just what the abuser says to anybody who will listen.

Childhoods....

I am NC with my family accept one Uncle and an Aunt. The Aunt I was more worried it would turn into a disaster and I am right. She is just like my Mother. Toxic, twisted, two faced. Probably said awful.things bout me about things she has caused. She is discarding ME now I think. Good riddance. I feel sad at the potential loss of the new relationship with my cousin because of her... My Uncle I don't see anymore because he keeps away because of my Aunt..

My Father is an abusive prick. Nobidy likes him or speaks to him.

I went no contact with my mother because she blamed me for her life as an adult. Plus she wanted me to leave home after being sexually abused by my step father aged 12. But not to tell anyone as it wouldn’t look good in the community.

I was told I should grieve for her as she’s now dead I actually don’t I’m relieved. I also get you only have one mum yeah she wasn’t one to me.

I have since discovered I was her scapegoat as my brother was golden child. I am very low contact as in he will phone me before I phone him, in fact I don’t phone him.

gothefcktosleep

to answer your question: how you go NC depends on the situation. It depends on what sort of person they are.

Some people will hate you trying to escape into a healthier environment, especially if you are the target for nastiness, some sort of scapegoat. The best way then is to quietly withdraw without fuss; keep conversations short, never give anything away but keep it shallow, ring / text them less and less. If they get other people to ask what's going on, just say that everything is okay, life is just busy.

Telling people why you are cutting links rarely goes well. Hopefully you've talked to them already about the problem as long as they are able to respond reasonably. If they aren't the sort of people you can talk to then a letter probably won't do anything except give them ammunition. The main reason to send a letter is so that you've spoken your piece. That's a good reason, it really helps to get it out, but you almost certainly won't get anything good back. (If you do, then great!)

It's really sad to have to go NC, very few people do it happily. Best of luck.

I strongly recommend against telling someone you’re going nc with them based on my own experience. If you can manage the slow fade it’s so much better all around.

Actually saying something creates a heaviness, something I never expected would sit on me as traumatically as it did. It’s like the act of creating the drama that such a dramatic exit causes blows the situation out of proportion as well and they were on my mind MORE after the nc than before. Some people become quite vindictive when their ego is bruised to, my person went to great lengths to draw me out of nc only to hurt me again.

If you ever have to interact with them it’s easier if you’ve done the slow fade too rather than total nc.

Besides they never accept your rationale anyway. If they were reasonable you wouldn’t be here in the first place.

I have someone I want to go nc with now as he’s toxic but am not saying anything. I’m doing the grey rocking as the slow fade. It’s so much harder but I think better in the long run.

Also - I felt so powerful when I sent the nc message. But then they never responded and I felt powerless all over again

I have been NC with my mother for almost 4 years I didn't reply to any messages or phone calls. I changed my number after a few weeks. I deleted all mutual friends and her side of the family from social media.
This was after she decided to make up lies about me and also publicly humiliate me on social media on my son's first birthday. She also threaten to drive round and drag me out of bed to talk to her. At the time I was in my late twenties, married with two children.
She has ridiculous control issues. Nothing was ever enough and her behaviour used to terroeise me. I didn't want my DC to ever think this was normal.
She still attempts to harass me and almost stalks me.

It isn't easy either, of course there are times when I miss her.
I don't worry that my children will do the same to me, we have a good relationship at the moment, should they think I've done them wrong and decide they don't want to talk to me when they are older I will respect that decision. I don't own them and they don't owe me anything, this was one thing my mother could never see and instead of trying to have a relationship she just saw us as property.

So the simple answer was I just decided that no amount of trying to talk to her about our relationship or how she was would change anything and I never contacted her from that moment on.

I'm NC with my parents. Long story short, I told them via text after yet another argument that I was done with them as I was fed up of all their bullshit (amongst other things).

would you not be devastated if in future your own children go NC with you?

I'd be absolutely gutted. But then I would hope I would never treat my DC the way my parents treated me.

I am also a strong advocate for going NC without the tip off. I have twice had to this with my parents. The first time was the culmination of years of abuse and then a very serious situation involving my brother. I told them explicitly; it didnt end well. They tormented me for a couple of weeks before finally getting the message.

I was like that for 18 months. My ex told me that Dad was very unwell and likely to die. I broke NC as my mum was primary career. Wish I bloody hadn't tbh. It was a time when I really needed support after my own suicide attempt in march.

I do help her and we become closer. Then, completely out of the blue and from hospital, Dad confesses to multiple affairs with multiple women over the years. I had suspected it but had thought not to share my suspicions too much. There had been whispers down the years, you see.

But it was mums' reaction that was off. As time wore on, I began to think that it wasn't normal. Too calm. Too rational. It all came to a head after weeks of running around after her, ferrying her here and there when I had planed a day trip out to a stately home as a treat. And in a sentence you would think comes straight out of mumsnet...

[she gets angry at me]. "No Ren, am not coming to see you this weekend and you can forget taking me to the stately home. Your car is a tip and I wouldn't be seen in it."

I was devastated by her cruelty. I told her so and she attempted to minimise it by saying, "Oh dont listen to me etc, lets put it behind us."

No mum. Let's not.

It took a few more weeks but I did go NC about a week or so back. Blocked all numbers. Only last Sunday I find two missed calls from unrecognised mobiles on my phone (within mins of each other). So that will be Dads phone and brothers second phone then? No matter. Blocked.

Sometimes, it is utterly necessary to have these people removed from your life.

I went NC with my dm because she abused us in many ways that were unforgivable. I spent my teenager years living under her roof suffering her abuse. I tried to talk, she never would. She would never offer an apology - only that I deserved everything I went through.

I am telling you now, I should never have gave her the time of day but I did honestly try.

It wasn't until I had my first DC that I realised truly that this isn't the way a mother should be. I wrote her a letter to explain and received nothing back.

We live in the same town and I've walked past her many times also with my DCs in tow.... She scowls at me. She walked in to my DC by accident and just grunted.

Count yourself lucky that you have good enough relationships or childhoods that you would never have to consider such a thing as going NC.

On the other hand, I have two siblings who I could never imagine having NC with. But then again they didn't subject me to such horrors as my M did.

OP you mentioned going NC “out of the blue”. It’s never out of the blue for the person who pulls away. It may seem that way to the one who has behaved badly, because the dynamic meant that either they were never pulled up on their behaviour or they have been told but refused to accept they behave inappropriately.

My second sibling spent years using me, borrowing money, criticising my home, partner, friends, lifestyle, only speaking to me when she needed something and fobbing me off when things were going well for her. Eventually I said ‘no’ and she said some terribly cruel things. She probably thinks I went NC out of the blue - she’s told me as much. But it wasn’t out of the blue really, it was just the straw that broke the camels back.

And I don’t feel the need to explain all that. It’s easier to enjoy the peace of mind and growing self-worth that comes with not being involved in her life any more.