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Original poster

What does this mean

37 replies

Leannadoes · 24/10/2018 10:56

Hi!
I was wondering if you could all help me decode this guy im dating.
Been seeing each other for a few weeks, he has stayed at mine a couple of times. No sex infact not even a kiss.
Anyways having a conversation last night over text about sex. First time we have spoke about anything like this and he basically said to me “when or if it actually goes that far” as I made a joke about not even getting a kiss.

Obviously this made me think, what the fuck? He doesn’t even know if he wants to have sex with me. So I kind of went on to “I can’t read you and I haven’t got a clue where this is going, if anywhere and that I am started to like him a lot” to which I got that he was enjoying getting to know me and wants to take everything slow to figure out if he actually wants it to go anywhere.

I get this, that is totally fine. We have both been hurt before but surely if you spend the night at someone’s house more than once and have spent a lot of time with them you would kind of have an inkling?

I’m a 36 year old woman, I’m not a child and feel a bit like a 16 year old right now. It took a lot to let my guard down with him and open up about my past. Now it seems I have done this, he doesn’t even know if this is going to go anywhere.

What’s everyone’s thoughts? I could be reading far too much into this but if you want it to progress onto something else surely you would know?

Sorry I’ve rambled on I’m just so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leannadoes · 24/10/2018 11:00

Sorry and just to add after this he said “I think you’re amazing...and it’s been lovely getting to know you even if this doesn’t go anyway”
Now I might be being paranoid but this sounds like a bit of a brush off 🙈😂

OP posts:
Giveyourheadawiggle · 24/10/2018 11:03

I’d expect staying over to involve at least a bit of action! Not convinced by the sound of him. I get taking it slow but that to me would involve dates progressing to dates and kissing! I’d move on I think.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/10/2018 11:06

Yes, it sounds like a brush-off.
I couldn't be dealing with this kind of crap.
Maybe give it another couple of dates and then dump if it's clearly going nowhere.

QueenofmyPrinces · 24/10/2018 11:07

If he’s saying it’s been nice getting to know you even if it doesn’t go anywhere sort of implies to me he’s got no intention of it going anywhere.

That’s just my interpretation anyway.

PhilODox · 24/10/2018 11:08

He has stayed over but you've not even kissed? Confused where does he sleep? What is he staying over for?
I think I'm old....

KeysHairbandNotepad · 24/10/2018 11:11

I'd stop making the effort op. He doesn't sound interested enough in a relationship with you.

Find someone that knows your worthSmile

JK1773 · 24/10/2018 11:12

It does sound like a brush off to me too. If he’s stayed over I think you should expect something romantic, even if not sex. I was chatting to a male friend of mine the other night who is seeing a girl but so not ready to move on from his ex and has no intentions of anything physical/romantic with the new lady. I told him off for stringing her along. He doesn’t see it that way at all. He doesn’t think his new lady is expecting anything like that. I disagree with him and think he’s deluding himself personally

Unicornandbows · 24/10/2018 11:12

Do you feel it is one sided? I know quite a few girl friends who take things extremely slow with whoever they are dating and they explain it to me it's to gain a deeper bond and connection rather than have sex for the sake of it.

So perhaps same thing for this guy...

Skynight90 · 24/10/2018 11:13

Sounds like he doesn't want a relationship nor sex

Trinity66 · 24/10/2018 11:14

You been seeing him a few weeks and he doesn't even know if he wants to kiss you yet? He either isn't that into you or he's far too slow and cautious. I'd be leaving this one and moving on I'm afraid

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2018 11:16

I find it a bit odd as well. To not even have kissed. Is he potentially gay?

Original poster
Leannadoes · 24/10/2018 11:21

Thankyou for your replies x

No I don’t think he is gay! He has been in a couple of shitty relationships which I know messed him up a little.
To be honest, he was the one who has been keen and eager but then obviously last night I’m thinking what am I waiting for actually. There’s taking it slow but then in my head I don’t know if I’m just a stepping stone till something better comes along?
He has stayed and we have had a cuddle again, which I’m fine with BUT I would like it to go further it was just when he said “if” it happens. Not when.

He knows I’m ignoring him which I know is petty on my behalf but I really don’t know what to say to him?

OP posts:
MakeAWhish · 24/10/2018 11:22

Waste of time. Pull back and see if he chases. If not, there's your answer. Personally I wouldn't waste any more time on him, it doesn't sound as if he wants it to go anywhere, he's stringing you along.

MorrisZapp · 24/10/2018 11:24

Has this man kissed you, ever?

Trinity66 · 24/10/2018 11:28

I mean there's taking it slow and there's taking it slow, the fact that he keeps saying "if" is basically saying when he decides if he wants to be with you, do you get a say? I think you should have your say now, it would be a no from me

earlybyrd · 24/10/2018 11:28

Agree with MakeaWhish
Pull right back, and you will see, he might just not be that into you after all, you can do better than this, it will damage your self esteem ultimately

SparklyMagpie · 24/10/2018 11:30

Fuck that, i'd be dropping that hot potato

Never heard anything like it Confused

ThunderInMyHeart · 24/10/2018 11:30

It shouldn't be this hard this early on.

Look elsewhere.

Original poster
Leannadoes · 24/10/2018 11:46

I’m beginning to think it is a waste of time and that he has no intention of taking things further.

He knew I was obviously a bit pissed off as I hadn’t replied to him and clearly isn’t bothered or surely I may have had a phone call/text.

Suppose it’s best I know this early.

OP posts:
AlohaFi · 24/10/2018 13:54

Well the first nigh my and my husband spent together we did not kiss.
HOwever we met online and he came over in the middle of the night (I know, absolutely insane of me!!). We simply slept next to each other and in the morning like 9am I kicked him out cause I realized I had a stranger come over in the middle of the night to my apartment :D
A few days later we did share our first kiss and soon after had sex together also.

Original poster
Leannadoes · 24/10/2018 14:53

I’ve known him for years that’s the thing. He’s not a stranger. Infact it’s not even about the sex. I just don’t know why he would want to keep coming over if there was no feelings there or he didn’t want to start anything.

OP posts:
Katgurl · 24/10/2018 15:20

Honestly I would get rid.

That's just me though; I literally mean that I would get rid, not that you definitely should.

I had a 'boyfriend' who was always avoiding intimacy with me. I never got to the bottom of why, he seemed to think I should just accept it and not 'be paranoid he wasn't attracted to me'.

After a while (but waaaaay too long a while) I realised I didn't care, that I'd never agreed to a non sexual relationship and if he wasn't even prepared to discuss it then why was I doing all the compromising?

But maybe you are more patient and understanding than I?

I do tend to think though things should be easy at this stage.

SendintheArdwolves · 24/10/2018 21:13

You can spend hours and days and years of your life trying to work out what goes on inside another person's head and its always a waste of time.

Instead, spend that time thinking about what you want - is this relationship acceptable to you? Is it what you want? If passion and a physical connection is important to you, do you think this is a guy who is likely to supply that?

FWIW, I think a lot of women get tripped up on the "if he doesn't want to have sex with me, why does he keep wanting to see me?" question. But don't forget that having you there, giving him attention, listening to him talk about his problems, thoughts, stories, issues, laughing at his jokes and generally making him feel good is very pleasant and soothing for him.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking something complicated about feelings must be going on. It's more likely to be simple - he's seeing you because he enjoys it, and he's not kissing you because he doesn't really want to.

richdeniro · 24/10/2018 21:16

Maybe he's asexual?

IAmNotLikeThem · 24/10/2018 21:45

The fact there is never going to be any spontaneity would make me sever the relationship.