You only get one shot at it ?

[YouOnlyGetOneShot]

Hello....

I'm early 40's married with 3 kids. Happy and I love my husband etc.
We have a great life and I'm very lucky to have what I do. But as you guessed, that is not why people poston forums like this....maybe it's my age...

When I was younger I had a few boyfriends, nothing remarkable about me in that regard, I guess I loved them in the way I knew how to at that time if that makes sense. I loved them as strongly as I felt it, which looking back was not a lot more than a great fondness and desire to have sex with them and hang out with them at least at the beginning. I probably would have married the last one if things had continued. I knew nothing else.

When I was about 24/25 I met a guy through work that I slowly developed the most insane feelings for, I was totally overcome by it - as was he, or so he said but I have no reason not to believe him. I had a boyfriend at the time, so i basically engaged in what I now recognise was a prolonged emotional affair something I am not proud of.

Eventually I couldn't control it any longer and all the pent up desire came out and the relationship was wonderful for the first few months anyway.....

I used to think we had an invisible connection and all that stuff, i could feel him thinking about me, i would feel sick and giddy with excitement about him....and I used to literally cry with happiness at having found him, I couldn't believe how lucky I was. My body would twitch with electricity just speaking to him over electronic messages, i used to think my heart would explode.

I know it sounds absolutely and utterly ridiculous but it was "all that" I had never experienced anything like and suppose if you haven't you will roll your eyes. i would have thought someone telling me such an experience was possible before this, was on drugs.

Anyway - the relationship didn't work out, my parents, who are a big influence on my life (for various reasons I don't really want to get into) did not really approve of him (he was from a totally different background).

In the end I broke up with him believing i was ready and that it was for the best. I had persuaded myself that the relationship had run it's course, and I suppose it had...he was heartbroken, I at the time was sad but confident in was doing the right thing for us both.

I met my now husband around 6 months later and things were and have been great, but the truth is I have never felt anything like I had with the previous guy before and I now never will again.

And it makes me sad - I feel in low moments like the universe gave me this chance that a lot of people don't get, I felt like I was part of something bigger than me and now I've lost that and I'll never have it again.

It sounds absolutely insane writing it out, so that has helped. I obviously accept life is what it is and there's no going back, but I wonder if others have felt or feel the same way ?

Very interesting post and I can relate in a way. I met a lad when I was 17 and there was an instant connection but nothing happened due to me being with someone. We got together at 22 and lasted 18 months and broke up. I met my then H and looking back not quite sure why I married him as I was so young but lack of confidence made me think I'd never meet anyone else. H is a good father and does love me but he can and has been nasty and I no longer find him very attractive.

Meanwhile I bumped into the ex last yr by chance and there has been sporadic contact but I've rejected every attempt to meet up as I know it's dangerous territory. Sometimes I think why did we not end up together but then part of me thinks if it were meant to be it would have happened.

I'm trying my best to be happy with my lot and I don't initiate contact but there is often a niggle that we only get one chance in life. It's tough

In my experience, often the ones that cause electricity aren't the best long term option. The things that are so exciting are also incompatible with a stable family life. But maybe that's just down to the things I find exciting!

You sound like you might be a little bit bored in your marriage perhaps. Maybe you could try adding something different there and it might make you feel a bit better.

The thing is though quite often the all encompassing giddy feeling does wear off or it can lead to a very tumultuous and harmful relationship. It's easy to romanticise 'the one who got away' but if you'd have stayed in the relationship there's no guarantee it would have worked out.

Nothing in life is permanent. Even these relationships you are in now will end either through divorce or death.
Reliving the past and bringing it into the present day will only cause you to be depressed
If you're unhappy in your relationship then end it. It is unfair to judge your current partner against, what might have been.

You cannot predict the future. Who knows what is around the corner.

My ex boyfriend was just this. Absolutely intense desire. I was absolutely obsessed, I just honestly adored every part of him. The relationship was electric and I’d feel excited at the thought of him texting me. Looking back, it was also toxic. I couldn’t really see fault in him, although we’d argue a lot I would always forgive him. Whilst he relationship was electric, there was no real substance to it. Other than the electric feeling, I can’t remember one good trait he had other than being fantastically good looking.

I don’t feel that intense ‘need’ for my OH. I don’t. But I love him in a completely different, and better way. It’s a much truer, and deeper love. I know all his qualities and quirks, and love them all deeply.

There was certainly substance to it, he was gorgeous of course but I also loved his personality, he was a beautiful and highly intelligent person and his expression to me of this mutual feeling we had was something I will cherish forever.

I do love my husband, but not like that, I don't know if one is better than the other. I don't feel like part of something bigger with him.

I have no contact with ex, only saw him once since about 10 years ago he walked past me but he obviously recognised me. He glanced at me but did not pause, i stared straight ahead. Even then with a young child in my life I thought my chest would explode and I was short of breath.

You're just bored, hankering back to the good old days. If it was so great with him, you'd never have finished with him.

Look at it this way, your love wasn't strong enough to keep a relationship with him, regardless of your parents.

Excitement and butterflies don't necessarily make the best relationships. And you're probably right that it had run its course, in that it didn't have a sufficiently solid base.

You are probably right. The relationship was not perfect towards the end and there were various external pressures. It's crazy how strongly I felt, and I suppose I feel like I can't have that with my husband because I never really felt it. I do love him though.

If you have a husband that treats you well and you love him hold on to that, it is worth it's weight in gold.

There are ups and downs in all marriages, my husband has asked in the past if I love him and I just tell him of course, this is who I am etc. But I feel a little dishonest because it's not who I am ? I had something that did make me feel like I was caught up in natures great plan and all that garbage....see I don't really believe it happened to me, you would never guess if you knew me, I would never have guessed I would have felt that way either. My husband would be devastated if he knew this I suspect, maybe he he wouldn't.

It really helps writing it all out, thanks for reading and replying, I really appreciate it.

I had a relationship like you describe in my late teens/ early twenties. Really intense, but then over time became quite tumultuous. In the end I recognised that I was behaving in ways that really weren't me (getting jealous and possessive), and when he broke it off the next time, I didn't go back for more.

I met my now DH, but would still sometimes yearn after the excitement of ExBF, especially once the newness of my relationship with DH wore off and life was sometimes hard or dull. I wasn't in contact with ExBF at all for several years, so could continue to project a fantasy/ nostalgia driven ideal of our previous relationship onto him.

Years later, long after I'd married DH, ExBF came back to my area and got together with a good friend of mine, and they are now married with kids. Although they seem very happy together, seeing ExBF now 20 years on, as a husband and father, makes me realise how ill-suited we really were, and makes me think that the ones that get away, do so for a reason! I'm far happier with DH now than I would be in my friend's shoes, even though her marriage works well for her.

I think this part of life, with the natural urge to take stock, mixed with the drudgery of raising children and/or caring for elders, can make us nostalgic for the carefree, intense period of life when we could afford to spend our time mooning over someone. Your one that got away wouldn't be the same now, and neither would you. Don't throw away a good marriage due to boredom and nostalgia, without at least using some of that energy to try to invigorate what you already have.

I'm not planning on throwing anything away, I guess maybe it is just taking stock. I suppose i feel slightly disturbed that injave never felt that way about my husband, and wont now. Children aside those first 6 months were probably the best of my life. I dunno if I was expecting that what I had with my husband would grow to eclipse it.

I feel like a terrible person for even writing that out.

Thanks for the replies, they help

Interesting, I suppose it did feel like that but it was very much reciprocal. Also interesting is that i had no feelings of jealousy because I knew that he had never felt like that before....at least I believe he hadnt, he certainly expressed that he never had felt anything like it. As you can imagine the sex was off the charts, at least for the first year or so.

I suppose also i used to look down a little at other peoples relationships once it happened. They would date casually or appear to be with guys who treated them badly or whatever and I felt so lucky like I had something most people never get to experience. I guess I'm looking for reassurance that it actually is common lol.

I wondered if on some level I just wanted to feel it but I don't think so because I was happy with previous boyfriends.

Anyway, the ramblings of a middle aged mum now !

I believe that if you'd really been right for each other, you wouldn't have broken up with him. My parents also had a big say in my life but it didn't ever make me want to break up with a boyfriend who I was besotted with.

you're right musti. I don't mean to blame my parents, they were just one factor.

Good luck Stapler, I hope you find what you are looking for!

I'm not making much sense reading it all back, think I just need to accept that that was who I was then and this is who I am now.

to me, what you described was the "honeymoon period" I had that with my DH and it settles down after a year or so I found (we're together 15 years now) although I still get the butterflies sometimes too. Did you never have this with your DH, even in the early stages?

Thanks to face book ex's are hooking up all over the world.
Facebook is cited in 1 in 3 divorces.
Very rarely is it happy ever after.
Me and DH both off face book now.
There is a reason they are an 'ex'.
Also if it didn't work the first time it is less likely to work the second time.

It looks like you had passion with that previous boyfriend. But would it have lasted?

It didn't, really, which says it all.

Or like drinking.
You may enjoy the feeling of being drunk (or tipsy if you like), but would you want to be in that state for the rest of your life?