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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Other half messaging about sex with a woman he had met on a dating site while we were apart :(

28 replies

OneWingedAngel · 24/10/2018 07:56

Last night while in bed my OH received a whatsapp message and when he opened it I saw a name I recognised from a long time ago - a woman he had met on Tindr the year before while we were split up. When I asked why he was messaging her he passed me his phone and said I could read the messages - they were all about their sex lives. Talking about how mine and my partner's sex life was no longer kinky etc - basically intimate details that I feel shouldn't be spoken about with someone you have met on a dating site! I hit the roof.

He had messaged this woman while away with work a couple of weeks ago. He says it was because he hadn't heard from her since last year, wanted to see how she was and was bored. When I asked why he chose when he was away to message, he said he didn't want to do it at home in case it upset me. He clearly knew it was wrong.

For background and so as to not drip feed, we met shortly after my husband's suicide 3 years ago. We dated/were in a relationship for about a year, constantly breaking up and getting back together as obviously I was in a bad place mentally re my husband. Every time we would break up we would be back on dating sites but he would continue to speak to these women when we got back together. To the point sometimes we would be in bed and I'd see them messaging him asking for hugs etc. It really messed me up and after a year we split up properly as I moved to the other end of the country as I wanted to make a new life for myself.

We were apart for a year then got back in touch. We got back together, made a proper real go of it to work towards being a family and six months ago he moved in. Life has been so much better since and this is what makes everything so hard. I was really really struggling on my own, I have two young children who obviously badly reacted to their dad's death and I had so much trouble with them at school, my six year old son was even excluded several times and it has taken a LOT of work to get them back on track. Since OH moved in I have been so less stressed, I have had someone to share the load with, the kids are doing great at school, I've just started a law course that my work are paying for so I can qualify and earn more in a couple of years, life felt absolutely perfect again. I don't know how I will manage the kids and my course and work etc on my own if we do split.

He's left for a few days while I collect myself and figure out what the fuck to do. I love him, I really do. And life has been wonderful since he has been here and I can't bear the thought of going back to being on my own trying to cope with everything again. But at the same time I am devastated and feel betrayed. I don't know whether I am over reacting and it's silly to throw everything away over a few messages as nothing physical actually happened and it wasn't direct sexting just talking about sex. But I know now every time he goes away i'll be wondering who he is back in touch with :( He says he knows he was wrong and doesn't know why he did it.

Am I over reacting? I don't know what to do :( My friends are saying LTB but of course it isn't as simple as that :(

OP posts:

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 24/10/2018 08:06

Your friends are right.

luffly1 · 24/10/2018 08:08

I’m with your friends too but I understand it doesn’t always feel that simple.

Are you in counselling OP?

luffly1 · 24/10/2018 08:09

Oh and you’re not overreacting.

Original poster

OneWingedAngel · 24/10/2018 08:15

Thank you :( It's really hard to process how I am feeling and knowing what is right. Luffly I had a few sessions when I first moved and it did help process my husband's suicide but it might be something I will look into again. I am absolutely crushed right now.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 24/10/2018 08:19

Yeah your friends are right
He's completely disrespectful. Get rid of him

luffly1 · 24/10/2018 08:20

I think you definitely need additional support. Also you need some perspective as to what is and isn’t normal in a relationship. It’s impossible to tell from here whether things might be salvageable but it really rests with your DP, not with you, and counselling could help you to work through all that and see things with clear eyes.

dirtybadger · 24/10/2018 08:25

Whilst it sounds like you deserve a break, and so I wish you could have this some other way.....you shouldn't stay with your DP essentially for cheap/free housework and childcare.

I'm with your friends I'm afraid.

Original poster

OneWingedAngel · 24/10/2018 08:25

Thank you all so much, I feel like I am going crazy not knowing whether it is an adrenaline fueled anger influencing my feelings about it all. This is helping. I have to go to work now but I am very grateful for people responding, I have been a mess all morning :(

OP posts:

Original poster

OneWingedAngel · 24/10/2018 08:33

P.s I realise my OP reads that I am only deliberating on this because of domestic ease, but I do really love him. We have a great time together, we have the same interests, just had an amazing weekend away together, we make each other laugh all the time. I do love him. Which again makes this so hard.

OP posts:

tissuesosoft · 24/10/2018 08:39

I think you should get rid. There may be good times but the constant disruption can not be doing any good for your children. They’ve been through such a tragedy with your husband’s passing, do they deserve to have a man who has no respect for their mum (and by extension for them) to keep bouncing in and out of your bed into someone else’s?

user1481840227 · 24/10/2018 10:58

That is completely bizarre that anyone would say here read the messages, thinking it was ok because they were only talking about their sex lives and not sexting.
I 100% don't believe that he thought that would be ok, sounds like he's happy to make you feel insecure about this woman tbh because no normal man would think those messages would be ok.

Anyway telling her about your sex life not being kinky anymore is like he's hoping her to say he can be kinky with her if he's up for it!....but I stand by what I originally said. He knows what he's doing!

Santaclarita · 24/10/2018 11:26

He's a twat. Do you really want to be second best all the time? Because you are to him. I know it's hard but ditch him. You deserve far better.

yetmorecrap · 24/10/2018 12:28

Not remotely ok, he knows it and you know it ,

SortingItOut · 24/10/2018 12:52

This is how my husband and I were, life was great but behind my back he was messaging other women, he did not meet up with anyone as far as I know but he would flirt with them on Facebook and then move it to Messenger.

He started when we had been married a year and although I wanted to leave so many times I didn't feel I could as he would threaten to kill himself.....

7 years ago I decided to leave when my daughter was 18, that gave me 10 years, I stopped checking his phone constantly but then earlier this year something made me check his phone and he had been messaging someone and asked them on a date (I don't think he would have gone, he was doing it for an ego boost)

So nearly 17 years after he started all this crap I have walked away, do not waste 17 years with him.

I'm now 37 and feel like I have my whole life ahead of me but my god I regret wasting my time, the only good things is my DD.

Even now its been 6 months and when I think back to the message I found this year I think that's it wasn't that bad and why did I end my marriage but it honestly wasn't about that message, its about all the messages over the years and all the disrespect and lack of commitment he had towards me and I have to keep reminding myself of this.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster

OneWingedAngel · 24/10/2018 13:16

User - the fact that he straight away passed me the phone and said I could read the messages completely threw me too. As you say - it made me think I was wrong for taking it so badly - in my head, how could it be that bad if he was so open to letting me see it all?

Sortingitout - thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry you went through it all as well. You've given me a lot to think about :(

He keeps apologising, saying it'll never happen again. I'm a mess :( He's away tonight so I plan on an early night and lots of thinking :(

Thank you to all for your replies.

OP posts:

mothersmatter · 24/10/2018 19:01

This is not acceptable behavior in my opinion. He should not be in contact with women on a dating site and just because he showed you, does not make it innocent. Either he knows you would have asked to read the messages and he is giving it his best shot at playing innocent or he has serious boundary issues. No way your sex life has anything to do with anyone but the two of you! Is he using the messages as a way to put pressure on you to perform better sexually? This is an unhealthy, disrespectful way to do so. Bottom line is, the behavior is unhealthy and disrespectful on many levels.
You may be happy at times but his boundaries are very fluid and this is an issue for you. Perhaps you are feeling like you need support after the death of your spouse and with parenting and are settling for less out of desperation. Are you really willing to go forward with a relationship that offers no secure boundaries anyway? Also what about your children. They have lost a father (and perhaps the behavioral issues at school are linked to that) and need your support and I would personally not want to add a bad relationship to the mix.
You say you are in a mess and I think as hard as it is, you need to first find yourself, and some form of emotional support, before you enter more deeply into this relationship.
Do not question whether you are over-reacting - his behavior is weird and he is setting the tone for the rest of the relationship if you go back. He has been dishonest and how would you regain his trust. He may just get better at covering his tracks.
I agree with SortingItOut. Cut your losses and reclaim your life, heal from your trauma of losing your spouse in such a horrific way, concentrate on getting strong and knowing your boundaries and accepting no man who does not cherish the relationship he is in. You may love him but he does not sound as if he is loving you back. Find your other wing angel, and fly to a better, more deserving place. xx

RomanyRoots · 24/10/2018 19:11

Listen to your friends, you were right to move so far away.
You have been through a lot and it will take time before you are ready for another relationship.
You have attracted the wrong type here my love, stay single for a while and get to know you and what you want, without the extra baggage of a relationship.
Whilst he's away he is having affairs perhaps emotional and he knows this is acceptable to you, because you are still with him.
Why should he stop, he can treat you as badly as he wants to and you go back for more.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you deserve happiness after all you have been through and this man won't make you happy.
I'd be telling you this if you were my dd.

Original poster

OneWingedAngel · 24/10/2018 20:47

Mothersmatter and RomanyRoots your replies have made me cry - but because I know you are right. And I know I would be giving the same advice to a friend. But the thought of him not being here is absolutely crushing. I feel pathetic. The children got excited when I said he wasn't going to be here for a few days - he's never particularly bonded with them. They deserve more too. But I don't think I was a good mother to them when I was alone either as I was very stressed all of the time. He has brought such happiness back into my life and that has trickled down on to them as they got their fun, loving, bouncy mum back again. And what a difference it has made. I'm terrified things will go back to how they were last year with us all stressed again. He made me so happy, but this has hurt me so much. I am going to look into some counselling. Thank you both.

OP posts:

RomanyRoots · 24/10/2018 20:57

Oh my love, the stress most likely came from your bereavement and having to go it alone at a time you needed support.

Take one step at a time and rely on your friends for support. I'd be there like a shot if you were my friend.
make sure you look after yourself and if possible find a bit of time for you, just to sit and contemplate.
Don't let things get out of hand by using this forum, it's great for support.
How many posts do we read where women are made aware of red flags they just didn't see.
You are not pathetic you have become attached to somebody who clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart. I imagine I and many others would have done the same in your position.
I think counselling is a good idea for you and getting away from this man, your kids are telling you all you need to know.
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you, it's so sad after everything you have been through.

Rebecca36 · 24/10/2018 21:00

I wouldn't trust him - but you know him better than any of us.

It's possible he messaged the woman in a moment of weakness. Who knows? He shouldn't have talked about your sex life though, that was seriously out of order.

If you can live apart for a while but still be friends and see eachother, you can work out properly what you both want and estimate whether or not it will work.

Singlenotsingle · 24/10/2018 21:12

Tell him what's good for the Gander's good for the Goose! Any more of this, if you EVER find he's done this again after today, you'll consider this to be an open relationship! Whatever he does, you can do.

Obviously, this would be a bluff ( or would it?) A bit like the nuclear bomb!!!

C0untDucku1a · 24/10/2018 21:20

He betrayed you. Talking about sex with someone else is never innocent. It is testing boundaries. You should leave him fir hismlack of reselct and his attempt to have an emotional affair at the very least.

The last post, where you said your children are happy henis not there, that’s the decider. Get organised as a single parent and get rid of the man who disrespects you and makes your children unhappy.

Slashtrophe · 24/10/2018 21:41

I would wonder, OP, if this is an attempt by him to gauge your boundaries by being open about the messages. He knows what you've been through, how vulnerable you are, and wants to therefore explore how much you'll accept from him. Which is the sign of a real c**t basically. If you accept this you'll accept anything.

Aishaspells · 24/10/2018 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Minionmomma · 24/10/2018 21:46

His moral compass is skewed. The relationship with him sounds so up and down and, after all you’ve been through, is it benefitting your mental well-being in any way. He sounds like a major pain in the ass xxx

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