Just a number?!

[Belle33]

So I'm 34 and my partner is 51, we have been together for 10 years. When we first got together the age difference was very apparent; I was drawn to his mature perspective, his wisdom, his stability, his strength and he treated (treats) me in a decent, respectful manner. We are very close and always have been. I love him dearly.

BUT

Over the years the implications of our age difference are starting to become a negative rather than a positive. At 34 I have the energy and drive to explore the world, the enthusiasm to follow my dreams. I want to dance all night and sing all day if I want to. He on the other hand would like to sit by the fire, bed by 10 and maintain a very civilised lifestyle. Ultimately, his expectation of me is to follow suit and dampen my zest for life with a realisation that acting daft and having an imagination is unrealistic and 'one day I'll learn'.

I just feel we are not compatible in many ways and can't help but wonder what it's
Like to be with someone who wants
Me to enhance my perspective on life rather than dampen it.

I love him very much, we have a great relationship - with the exception of the above. I have worked hard to shape what we have and to throw it away would seem such a waste. Will I ever 'grow out' of this 'phase' and be thankful I stuck at it or will I go through my life regretting I never lived it to the full.

Has anyone else ever experienced this with an older partner?

My DH is almost the same age as your DP. He is really active, loves travelling, can be a party animal if the situation suggests. I wonder if the issue for you is personality differences rather than the age gap?

He may not change. Irrespective of whether it’s age or personality, is this what you want?

I was your age, my partner was 53 and I had an affair and left him. I am, again, back in your situation with somebody 14 years my senior, I'd be interested in some happy outcome stories.

I met my ExH when I was 23 and he was 35,not a biggie I thought but in the end it was sadly .I'm sure age gap relationships work for many but sometimes it can be glaringly obvious that you are at different stages in life.Im now with Dh who is the same age as me and it's brilliant.

@cafenoirbiscuit personality differences
Does appear to be a main factor. Sometimes he goes along with what I want to keep me happy but I know it's not what he would rather do, which makes it less enjoyable for me. Must be great to have someone who loves the things you love!

I think it might be a personality thing rather than age? I know plenty of people in their minds thirties that don’t want to dance all night and sing all day and are in bed by 10pm because they’re knackered with jobs, families and life.

There are plenty of people in their 50s who have the energy and drive to explore the world. Most are restricted to doing it during holidays though due to working full time. Do you work OP?

Your partner seems to want you to bypass your youth - and he sounds like he's acting older than his age. I am over 10 years older than your partner and I'm still up for adventures! don't let your life and exuberance for it slip away.

Slightly reversed in that I was the man in the relationship and my ex was 10 years older than me. Met when I was 26. First few years were great but same as you - as time went on I was still very much active, she wanted to garden and stay in a lot. Needless to say we split.

I wouldn't ever have a large age gap relationship again.

@QueenOfMyWorld good for you! It's just difficult when you really love someone to imagine being without them. The more time
Goes on the more our personalities are dividing. It's like abandoning a sinking ship.

Yes I do work FT from home. We have children from
Past relationships. I have a daughter who I had when I was very young so she is venturing in to adulthood. My friends are getting married and having children but it's not the path for me. It's interesting to hear of other 50 somethings who still have a drive for life and a willingness for adventure! He is 51 going on 61 and I'm 34 going on 50 is how I feel. I wish I didn't love him so much because that's what keeps me here.

I’m 52, into travel, dance and new stuff. I can do routine, but I don’t thrive on it.
I’m not sure it’s his age.

@ShatnersWig I think if this were to come to an end I would never enter in to a relationship with this big of age gap again! People of a similar age have naturally a stronger alignment in personalities most of the time.

@Belle33 life is too short to stay if you know it's not right.I split with my ex age 32 and met dh 4 months later,you just never know what's around the corner x

Thanks guys. It's really made me think. Maybe an option would be to get him out of his
Comfort zone and try new things in the hope he starts to enjoy new things. It's a tall order tho! Just because he's in his 50s doesn't necessarily mean he is out of service!

I'm always wondering what's round the corner but I get reminded a lot that the grass isn't always greener. I'm scared to leave for that reason.

It’s clear you love your partner very much. Are you able to do these things independently? Or broach them in an I’m going to go to x, are you coming? way.

At 34, with your daughter already nearly grown as you say, you have the chance to live a very fulfilling, adventurous life.

Have you actually spoken about this? I also don’t think it’s about age but personality. But clearly something about your personalities works very well together so this could just be the area you both have to compromise on.

Have you both got ‘bucket lists’ - you could alternate between doing one where you match and one for yourselves.

If this is an otherwise healthy relationship, I would want to try. You could always give yourself an ‘if things haven’t changed in a year...’ deadline BUT make sure you are doing some of the things you want to do in that year.

Whilst age shouldn’t be relevant it can be if people change. For isnstance I have a friend who likes to send out dodgy sexy pics (think blow jobs) to her friends, she hasn’t had a relationship for years and in her 40s And is now going overboard. My friends in their 30s think it’s fine, I think it’s awful and rather desparate that she’s actually letting a guy take these pics, I’m in my 50s , I definitely dont have the same views as my 30 something friends but love them dearly

Oh dear - you are stuck in the 'sunk cost fallacy'
Google it!
You are young.
Please get out there and make the most of your life!

I'd say don't rely on him for that stuff. Do you have plenty of friends? That's assuming you want to stay with him and also have excitement. Go on some fabulous group holidays and be independent.

My husband is 9 years older than me. I'm 30, he'll be 39 in December. We met when i was 25. He spent his 20s getting wasted whereas I was in a responsible job at 18 and bought my own place in early 20s. As a result, when we met despite the age gap we were at similar places in life, he was just ten years behind me. We've now bought a family home together and I'm pregnant and you really wouldn't know he was older than me.

If he'd done what I did and had kids etc when i met him, been a responsible job for going on 20 years I'm sure we wouldn't be compatible like we are now. Ages and stages in life don't marry up for everyone.

Sorry, OP, I'm 56 on Friday and in no sense do I want to be in bed by 10 (unless there's someone in there with me who'll make it worth my while he he), sit by the fire unless it's drinking by a campfire, or be at all civilised (obviously I can fake civilised, but it's not me). Age is just a number, your personality does not change as you get older.

Me and exh had an 11year gap. Wasn't an issue until he turned 45.

The age is relevant. But personality is relevant too. It works for some not for others. If the older person becomes 'old in their thinking, ie want to be in with their slippers on night after night it's become a a problem, unless the younger person is happy to do that.

It's ok saying, do things with friends etc. But it creates distance when you are doing all things you find fun with other people.

It's hard to balance.

Lots of mixed feelings about this one! I guess there is a lot of circumstances in which this issue has appeared. I love the idea of being an independent woman, group holidays - yes and please! However, my partner wouldn't approve of this idea. That said, I don't have many friends, especially ones I can rely on to join me! This is mostly down to my choice. My partner and I do everything together, mostly everything he wants to do, which usually includes going out for a fancy sit down meal, dog walks or hotel stays. I would like to go to music concerts, theatre, city breaks but I know he would only do it begrudgingly, which isn't fun. I do agree - if I've learnt one thing today it's that our personalities are very different. I guess I always conformed to his way because I respected his way was the right way considering he was so much
More established than me. Now I'm older, I feel I have got just as much right to do what makes me happy without needing some kind of approval. How can 2 people be so the same in their way of thinking and have the same values but polar opposite in how they want to live their life?? Does having both in a relationship really exist? Thanks for all the advice folks!

I guess in answer to your last question on your most recent post, no, you can’t have both, one of you will have to compromise in some way,and that’s hard to do.
Have you discussed this with your OH?

Yes, he knows me well. He just thinks that I'll get older and 'grow out' of my 'wild' ideas. He doesn't realise that I genuinely do yearn for excitement. Does both exist in any relationship or is there always a compromise?

I can’t see how both can exist. People don’t change, fundamental personality traits don’t change, if you see things differently now you will still in 10yrs down the line.

I’m 50, l’d love to sing and dance all night but sadly age means i woudnt be able to function until noon the following day!

But I am still very active, have active hobbies etc. It’s him, not age