Just a number?!

[Belle33]

So I'm 34 and my partner is 51, we have been together for 10 years. When we first got together the age difference was very apparent; I was drawn to his mature perspective, his wisdom, his stability, his strength and he treated (treats) me in a decent, respectful manner. We are very close and always have been. I love him dearly.

BUT

Over the years the implications of our age difference are starting to become a negative rather than a positive. At 34 I have the energy and drive to explore the world, the enthusiasm to follow my dreams. I want to dance all night and sing all day if I want to. He on the other hand would like to sit by the fire, bed by 10 and maintain a very civilised lifestyle. Ultimately, his expectation of me is to follow suit and dampen my zest for life with a realisation that acting daft and having an imagination is unrealistic and 'one day I'll learn'.

I just feel we are not compatible in many ways and can't help but wonder what it's
Like to be with someone who wants
Me to enhance my perspective on life rather than dampen it.

I love him very much, we have a great relationship - with the exception of the above. I have worked hard to shape what we have and to throw it away would seem such a waste. Will I ever 'grow out' of this 'phase' and be thankful I stuck at it or will I go through my life regretting I never lived it to the full.

Has anyone else ever experienced this with an older partner?

He sounds a little bit patronising towards you to be honest and like things have to be his way or no way in relation to interests and social events.

I wouldn't say it's his age. I was 7 yrs older than my ex-OH and to be honest, more life and soul, adventurous than he ever was!

If he's like this now, what will he be like when you're his age, OP?

I'm 51 and my DP is 54. We both still love an adventure. We both run, party, travel etc.

I’m 34 and the last thing I want to do is dance all night and sing all day .
You sound fundamentally incompatible, regardless of age.

@SoyDora maybe not every night. Freedom to express who I am and what I enjoy doing without feeling guilty would be a great compromise

I agree you sound incompatible. I have a similar age gap with dp and it can be frustrating at times. I don't know what the answer is.

Personality is different to age. My partner is also 51, I'm mid forties and he drags me up mountains, we've gone abroad and on lots of little adventures, gigs etc...we socialise together frequently and he's come along to events relating to my interests, a few of which have been quite demanding in terms of energy! He's never done it begrudgingly although as a disclaimer, less than two years in, we may still be in the honeymoon period!

Perhaps you're realising your interests are actually quite different? For christ's sake don't slow down on his account. You're absolutely in your prime and should be ticking stuff off your wish list with gay abandon

I think you're right that you're not prepared to defer to him any more, because you're getting a sense of yourself, and what you want in life.

Also he may be better suited to someone with whom he can take life at a slower pace or do the things he'd prefer. MIght be stressful for him to feel like he should be being more energetic when it just might not be "him".

We have a much bigger age gap, I'm mid 20s and he is nearly 50. He has tones more energy than me, always wanting to go on adventures and stays up till the early hours though hes up before 6am.
I think it really depends on your personality and what you have in common.
But you sound like you both love each other and want to be together. Maybe find your adventures with friends/by yourself and see if he will come along once in a while?

I think the main issue here is that your partner disapproves/discourages you from going out and having fun with friends while not joining in himself. That's kind of selfish of him and you do need to talk about this as this is really the only way you can stay togetger and both live the lifestyles that suit you both.

My DH is only 5 years older but even on his 20s he never was one for partying, meeting with lots of friends, active sports, etc. But he is always happy for me to go and although I would of course love for him to share it with me, i realise that it's just not his cup of tea. He has his own interests, and we have ones we share like travelling, and we have a great relationship.

It can work but you both need to listen to each other and accommodate.

He sounds like he needs his spark relighting OP.

They're will be something that gets him excited....something he's forgotten he used to love. The thing that makes him feel alive.
Find it, fan the flames of it.,,...even if it's not your cup of tea because that stuff will spill out into all areas of his life.

It's likely to be something he's not even aware of. Just to make it harder lol

Find out the things that are 'soup for his soul' definately not the things he's doing now. He's in a comfort zone.

Good luck OP

Maybe the issue is you met him young and you also had a child young so you missed out on your 20s, now that DC is growing up and reaching adulthood you are seeing what you missed out on.

I am 30 and how described your partner is me. I enjoy home and sleep, I prefer to be in my PJs at 8pm with a cup of tea. I also enjoy days off running errands and doing the housework. I had my adventures in my 20s. My DH is the same so we are matched.

I agree with Mandala. The main issue seems to be not so much that you want to do different things (I think it’s possible to accommodate that within a loving relationship) but more that you’re prepared to compromise and do the things he likes in order to spend time with him, but he isn’t willing to do the same for you. It’s really rubbish that you can’t ever organise something that you’d enjoy, because you feel he wouldn’t enjoy it so that wouldn’t be fun. He should either put up with it sometimes to make you happy, or encourage you go and do it alone or with a friend.

A relationship needs to be a two way street. He’s doing all the taking and none of the giving - not material things, but emotional support. This could be because he’s a selfish man, or because you fell into this pattern of behaviour when you first got together, because of the ‘looking up to him’ thing, and it’s hard (for both of you) to get out of the habit.

Some of the things you want to do are hardly that wild. It wouldn’t kill him to come to the theatre or on a city break with you and make an effort to enjoy himself even if it wouldn’t be his first choice of activity. He sounds selfish and set in his ways. Possibly you’ve facilitated this by being too accommodating to his preferences.

My sister spent her twenties and then married a man 26 years older than her. Now she is in her thirties and he is mid-fifties they are getting divorced as he is now settling into old age while she is just getting started.

He is also a grandparent while she was willing to sacrifice not having her own children for him. Think that has changed.

You said:
"My partner and I do everything together, mostly everything he wants to do, which usually includes going out for a fancy sit down meal, dog walks or hotel stays. I would like to go to music concerts, theatre, city breaks but .."
and then "How can 2 people be so the same in their way of thinking and have the same values but .."

Maybe I'm cynical. But could it be that you don't actually have the same way of thinking and values, but you have conformed to what he wants for so long that you are comfortable with it and have convinced yourself that these are your values and ways of thinking too?

He sounds patronising and maybe even controlling. Why is it so one way, with you enjoying meals out and dog walks, but him not coming along to enjoy city breaks and theatre? Why do everything together rather than with friends?

And, as you're finding on here, not everyone ages into dog walks and going to bed at 10, any more than everyone wanted to dance all night when they were 24. Or 34! I think it's unreasonable of him to try to convince you that you'll age into being just like him.

I agree with of the advice I have been given. He is selfish, I have accommodated his needs rather than my own from the start. I do feel like I missed out in my 20s, maybe that's why I'm so adamant to do all the things I want to do now. I'm not wild by any stretch, I just don't want to spend the rest of my life bored. He is patronising and controlling, but also very caring and loving at the same time. It's my fault I'm in this situation. Other circumstances are making me feel trapped which are out of my control. I'm scared to chat to guys my own age, I just stare in awe! I need to stop being such a mug, stop being lazy and deal with this for the sake of my future. He, I'm sure would be a lot happier with someone more suited to him too-as hurtful it is to think about that. I wish I wasn't so accepting and could stand up for myself. Life goes on, he'll live (maybe even a better life). Who said love conquers all?! It's not enough to conquer this situation. I'm so jealous of those who commented about how they are so
Matched with their hubbies. Cherish it! And it appears age can be just a number, where we are at in life, our personalities and our experiences shape who we are and play a factor as to how compatible we can be with someone else. Of course age differences come at a price, but a price which can be easily compromised. Not today tho sadly, not on my watch. Thanks to you all xx

I can see how it could work if he accepts that your wishes and desires are as valid as his. It sounds as though he enjoys "knowing best" and your ideas and independence make him insecure. Rather selfish of him,if you truly love someone you want them to be happy and fulfilled.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide. I hope things work out well for you.

I've had the same dynamic with someone only one year older than me. It was just that during over ten years it was as if he aged at a faster rate than I did.

I am both glad and sad to read your latest post, OP! I'm glad you realise he's not a typical 50 something - just someone who enjoys a quiet life, while you want more. Sad you feel he won't accommodate you.

Obviously you musn't give up your hopes and dreams to live a fulfilled life even if it means a life apart from him.

Just another voice to say not necessarily an age thing. I had a DD very young too..now late 30s. My dh is 20+ years older, we've been together 18 years and he is excitedly planning our retirement travels now. We have city breaks and holidays planned for the coming year and little things like gigs and comedy show tickets planned. We're going to Glastonbury next year too! If anything he drags me along with him. I feel sad for you both, you've been together a long time and obviously love one another. I do sometimes just want to chill and I'm a bit apprehensive about travelling for a few years and leaving family and kids behind..so I guess I'm compromising. Do you think he would also compromise rather than lose you? X

My dad is in his 70s, loves going out, music festivals, travelling, late nights, has lots of friends. I love quiet nights in and bed by 10, it is definitely personality not age 😀

Also..bit morbid but I'm pretty sure I'll be alone in my 50s so (I'm not looking forward to this by any means) kind of know I'll have many years where I can please myself

Does he keep himself fit? It's just that as I hit 50 I started to lack energy, felt tired and stiff etc so I started running.
It's a game changer for me. I feel great and energised again as well as being able to eat and not put on weight. I really was feeling like an old woman but running 10k 3 times a week has given me a new life.
Something happens to us when we bit 50 and we can no longer kid ourselves we can do the same things we did in our younger days.