Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Always being in the wrong grinding me down.

32 replies

GandolfBold · 23/10/2018 22:57

So much so that I don't think I want to carry on trying.

DH has always been like this. It's my fault, no matter what the problem. I'm not good enough, I work too much, I don't earn enough, I need to be home more, I don't clean enough etc etc.

It isn't helped by the fact that he had an EA 3 years ago that he won't admit to, but I feel like I am being compared to someone else all the time, someone younger, slimmer, with less baggage.even if he gives me a compliment it's always backhanded. I have tried talking to him but it doesn't work, he doesn't change.

I don't know why I have posted this, I just wanted to get it out because I don't have anyone I can tell in real life. I just feel so miserable in my marriage.

OP posts:
0lga · 23/10/2018 22:59

I’m sorry to hear this, you seem so sad and tired.

Are you thinking of ending your marriage ?

Original poster
GandolfBold · 23/10/2018 22:59

Tonight he was sorting out his bank account and was going over his spending and he said it was my fault he spends too much, picked out two transactions one was my birthday present and one was something he had bought. We have separate accounts and I don't spend any of his money. But automatically it was my fault.

OP posts:
thereallochnessmonster · 23/10/2018 23:00

Leave him.

You only have one short life. Why spend it with someone who hates you?

penisbeakers · 23/10/2018 23:01

He sounds like a wanksock. I would leave him, for the EA alone even if he wasn't a shitbag.

Original poster
GandolfBold · 23/10/2018 23:06

I think about ending my marriage but the shit storm I know it would cause makes me feel sick. I know that iw old be happier, but at what cost.

When he left 3 years ago I begged him to come back, now I wish I had just moved on with my life because now I would be free.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 23/10/2018 23:10

You can either have a shitstorm for a bit - or a lifetime of pain and blame for everything that's not your fault. I'd take a temporary shitstorm any day. 🌺

Singlenotsingle · 23/10/2018 23:10

You deserve someone who appreciates you This one will never understand (or just doesn't want to understand) that actually you are too good for him. It's probably just his insecurity talking when he criticises you I would just tell him, "well, you're obviously much too good for me, so I'm setting you free to find someone who's up to your standards".

Babdoc · 23/10/2018 23:17

If you stay with this twerp, he will wear away at your self esteem until you believe that this shit of a man is all you deserve. And at that point, he’s won and you’re trapped.
Please don’t play his vile game. Get out now while you still have the energy to fight.
You deserve so much better than this. You know that. What would you advise a friend who said her marriage was like this?
Yes, I know, the break up would be distressing in the short term. But you’d be gaining the rest of your life free to be yourself, to enjoy yourself, to seek the company of people who would love and value you, not grind you down. You get one life, OP. Take action now to make yours a happy one.

bagpiss · 24/10/2018 07:24

"When he left 3 years ago I begged him to come back, now I wish I had just moved on with my life because now I would be free."
.
In less than the next 3 years you could be free and happy again.


Angrybird345 · 24/10/2018 07:30

Leave him. It may get worse before it gets better but this will be temporary. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? He’s abusive and nasty.

BiologyMatters · 24/10/2018 07:35

You can free yourself now. It's not too late. If you stay with him, this is what the rest of your life looks like.

Longdistance · 24/10/2018 07:38

The shitstorm will be temporary.
What you have now is permanent.

SandyY2K · 24/10/2018 07:38

Do you have children? I would say while you're thinking about things...refocus on you. Do things for yourself. Socialise, try new things, exercise and get a life you enjoy outside of him.

That's good for your wellbeing and also gives you confidence.

If talking doesn't help you could try writing him a letter expressing how you feel. Saying how his actions and his behaviour make you feel, rather than attacking him as a person.

So for example..."when you say X or do X it makes me feel xxxxx"

You can refer to the time he left and say you know you asked him to come back, but if you don't make him happy, then you'd rather he was honest and you can amicably go your seperate ways.

cafenoirbiscuit · 24/10/2018 07:40

There will always be lots of support on here for you if you decide to go.

To blame you for having a birthday would be the final straw for me.

Mary1935 · 24/10/2018 07:40

Hi Gando - how can you earn more and be at home!!! He has unrealistic expectations and the thing to remember is IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.
He’s not a loving partner is he. He’s not nice. He will apply pressure to you and is grinding you down. Maybe see a counsellor (if you can afford it)to talk through and they could help you process things so you can leave him. Your local MIND group may offer cheap therapy.
Do you have children?
Do you have real life support?

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 24/10/2018 07:41

It sounds like neither of you are very happy. Have you discussed this with him or considered counselling?

Babdoc · 24/10/2018 12:03

Counselling should never be undertaken with an abusive partner. They will simply lie to and gaslight the counsellor and attempt to recruit them to share their view that it is all the OP’s fault.
If OP wants solo counselling to help her to leave the relationship, that would be fine.

Trinity66 · 24/10/2018 12:17

aw you poor thing, you do sound worn down :( I think you should start organising your get out plan tbh

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 24/10/2018 19:31

Fuck him off. Sorry but my ex tried to blame for literally everything it’s only now that I look back and realise it was emotional abuse and his way of obtaining power in the relationship .
My ex cheated , that is also a form a emotional abuse , although he denies it even to this day 🙄
You sound lovely . Flowers you deserve to be happy and not second guessing yourself xx

DowntonCrabby · 24/10/2018 19:35

You deserve so much better.

You only get one stab at this life malarkey Flowers

Original poster
GandolfBold · 24/10/2018 23:57

Thanks everyone for being so supportive. He is pretending like nothing happened and acting normally but I can't be bothered to even try so am just staying out of his way.

Life is too short but the DC's don't deserve to be upset, and I don't know how to fix it.

OP posts:
redastherose · 25/10/2018 00:46

It's awful being in a relationship like this, it wears away your soul. I forgave several incidences because I never had any proof. The stupid thing is I didn't need proof of what he'd done he was a tosser who treated me badly and damaged our DC's with his behaviour. I didn't have MN to tell me to LTB but I wish I had. After years of increasingly awful behaviour I told him I didn't love him and he begged and begged for another chance which I gave him because I didn't want to upset my DC's lives and thought I was being selfish and guess what...he went out looking for another woman to take up with because he couldn't bare to be the one being left and can't be alone because he'd have no one to do everything for him. He's a sad pathetic man and I'm infinitely better off without him as are my DC's (and I've met a lovely new guy too).

Santaclarita · 25/10/2018 05:50

Leave him. You deserve better.

Make plans secretly to leave if he'll be a git about it. If you have family near by, make plans to move in with them for a while until you can rent somewhere, or just find somewhere to rent.

Then take a day off work, pretend it's a normal day and head off like usual if you leave before him, and then go back home, get packed, get all legal documents that you will need for a divorce and for splitting assets, and leave. Then start filing for divorce and don't let him talk you round. He's a controlling jerk.

category12 · 25/10/2018 05:58

Do you honestly think it benefits your dc to see this unhealthy relationship dynamic and you reduced to a shell of yourself?

Yes, it's disruptive and difficult to split when you have dc, but it can be change for the better.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 25/10/2018 06:06

The DCs deserve two happy parents. Role model happiness whether that’s in a relationship or not. The happiness will make them happy too