Always being in the wrong grinding me down.

[GandolfBold]

So much so that I don't think I want to carry on trying.

DH has always been like this. It's my fault, no matter what the problem. I'm not good enough, I work too much, I don't earn enough, I need to be home more, I don't clean enough etc etc.

It isn't helped by the fact that he had an EA 3 years ago that he won't admit to, but I feel like I am being compared to someone else all the time, someone younger, slimmer, with less baggage.even if he gives me a compliment it's always backhanded. I have tried talking to him but it doesn't work, he doesn't change.

I don't know why I have posted this, I just wanted to get it out because I don't have anyone I can tell in real life. I just feel so miserable in my marriage.

Can you live like this for the next 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?

There is nothing you have said that makes me think you should do anything other than leave.

What you've described is a good enough reason to leave. It really is.

I think ether you need to sort the relationship out together and go for couples therapy or seperate

Wearing my totally non-professional armchair psychologist hat I kind of wonder whether he puts you down so much to excuse himself for the affair. He has to have had a good excuse (i.e. your shortcomings) because he can't possibly be enough of a shithead to just cheat for no reason, right? But that's neither here nor there. Fact is he treats you like dirt, undeservedly.

You say you would be happier "but at what cost". Well - what cost? How would it work out, practically? And how much would the DC really miss him? Instead of thinking of all the obstacles that would prevent you leaving, look at it from the point of view of how to make it work if you do leave. Once you've got a plan you will be in a better position to decide whether you want to go for it.

I would make your plans to leave and inform him what's happening then do it. Life is too short to spend on an unappreciative . Short term pain for long term gain and avoid his type in future.

Voice of bitter experience here too. He blames you for everything. You accept that by staying. You stay because you don't want to upset your children. I did that. My children began blaming me for everything too. It played right into his hands as he reinforced every bit of blame that came my way. One of my children still blames me for everything, and uses the most convoluted logic to find a way to blame me for current events despite having no contact with me for years. I remain hopeful that eventually there may be a way to reconcile.

I eventually left him once my children left school, but we paid a heavy price for me trying to keep the family together. I ought to have left him when they were little. - don't be me writing similar in 10, 15 or 20 years.

Sorry things did not work out well for you t3rr3gl35.

I have some serious thinking to do and in the mean time I am going to get my things in order. I earn a reasonable amount and can hold my own financially with a bit of a stretch. I am going to start looking for paperwork and things I will need if I do decide to make a break. I have tried to talk to him tonight but he has stonewalled me and I don't want a fight.

I'm only sorry for my eldest who was, and continues to be so badly let down. I have found self respect and a loving husband now, so although I carry a deep sadness, my life now is not comparable on an level to then.

I'm heartened that you are considering making a break. If a single abused woman listens and takes heed that the absolute unthinkable may actually happen with her own children and is spurred on to help prevent that, then my story is not wasted. Stay strong and protect yourself and your children. i wish you a wonderful future.