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Original poster

want second baby but marriage a mess

38 replies

Squirrel31 · 23/10/2018 22:54

Appreciate any thoughts on this...
Been married for 8 years and have gorgeous 3yr old. Marriage has always been shaky but recently I've really started to resent DH. Our sex life is down to once every 3-4 months if that and we are often bickering. Thing is I feel hugely angry at him for not making an effort in the marriage so we can have a second baby. I feel so guilty that our son will miss out on a sibling and that makes me even more angry at DH. He thinks it's all me and how can he be nice to someone who hates him - it's a mess! He flat out won't do couples counselling because it's me that has the problem apparently grrrf!

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 23/10/2018 23:21

But you are only mad that he isn't putting the effort in, so you can have a baby. Not so you can have a happy marriage.

I wouldn't want a baby with someone who only wanted me to put more effort it to produce a child. What's happens when the child is conceived or born?

another20 · 23/10/2018 23:23

Go to counselling on your own.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/10/2018 23:37

I was in this situation. I had a second child anyway. Best thing I ever did, he and his brother are the lights of my life.

MollysGirl · 23/10/2018 23:45

Don’t do it.

Sisterlove · 24/10/2018 00:29

Do you both want to stay together and make it better? Because you say it's always been shaky.... it sounds like there may be underlying issues to resolve.

There doesn't seem to be a lot of love on either side.

how can he be nice to someone who hates him

He's right on that point, if he perceives you as hating him.

If you can't resolve things, having one child is easier to move on with.

Tattybear16 · 24/10/2018 05:37

You need to work on your marriage. He’s right it is all about you. You are not listening to your husband. How you could even consider bringing another child into that kind of environment is beyond me. Stop putting your wants and needs first and listen to him. Feel sorry for your son already living in that atmosphere. Marriage should be a partnership, but you sound high maintenance. Me, me, me. It’s all about what you want. What’s your plan, make your husbands life hell, until he gives in and you get what you want. Your son does not need another sibling to make him happy, he needs a stable, loving environment with mutual respect for one another.

Shoxfordian · 24/10/2018 05:43

Don't bring another child into an unhappy marriage

Piccalillisnooze · 24/10/2018 06:46

Eh I was the second child brought into the marriage and I’m fine thanks! Also having a sibling if your parents are splitting up was for me the saving grace.

Notacluewhatthisis · 24/10/2018 06:50

Piccalillisnooze

Are you saying they should bring another baby into a shit relationship and hold on long enough so the siblings can support eachother? That a second child is needed to ensure the first has emotional support? What if the kids don't get on? Or the marriage just gets worse and worse to the point, emotional support from a sibling doesn't make a difference?

That's ridiculous. Many only children cone through divorce just fine. Many kids with siblings don't.

FiveStoryFire · 24/10/2018 07:08

I also had the baby anyway. Never regretted it for a second. DS is an absolute joy and very loved by both of us. Marriage didn't survive though!

explodingkitten · 24/10/2018 07:20

Wouldn't it be better to divorce and find someone else to have a baby with? Your existing child deserves a stable home too. The age gap is already large enough that they won't play a lot together anyway. And not everyone likes having a sibling. I did, but DH and SIL hate each other with a passion!

Loopytiles · 24/10/2018 07:21

“guilt” about your DC is uneccessary, only children are fine and not at all unusual. Don’t put YOUR understandable sadness and disappointment about the situation onto your DC.

Your H isn’t being U to refuse to ttc in the circumstances. He is being U to refuse couples counselling though, and presumably not to address the concerns that have led you to be so angry. Sounds like the most sensible choice might be to end the relationship.

Loopytiles · 24/10/2018 07:22

Your OP reads like you want DC2 but not your marriage.

Notacluewhatthisis · 24/10/2018 07:25

It's not about the OP regretting it though. I am sure she won't. She only wants the marriage to work do she can have the second baby. That's the priority.

It's about the child that's already there. Living in this snowstorm so mum can have another baby isn't ok.

If ok wanted her marriage to be good because she wanted the marriage to be good, then when that's sorted have another baby. Fair enough.

But she says she wants him to work at it just so she can have a baby. I wouldn't be inclined to be happy with my Dp if that was the only reason they wanted me.

Original poster
Squirrel31 · 24/10/2018 07:47

Thanks for the comments - perhaps I didn't explain fully. I'm not a deranged women with an obsession for baby 2, I had a very difficult time with DC so baby 2 is a big decision. It's the fact that the clock is ticking and both hubby and I have said we would like DC to have a sibling. There doesn't seem a point to continuing the marriage if the reason we didn't have baby2 is because we couldn't get past relationship issues. That makes me angry because our DC misses out just because we couldn't sort our stuff out. I don't want DC to resent me for not having a sibling.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 24/10/2018 07:51

I think you’re transferring your own feelings onto your DC.

DC would be far more negatively affected by their parents having a poor relationship than by being an only child!

Loopytiles · 24/10/2018 07:54

You may both wish for two DC but that’s sadly not possible - or responsible - given your longstanding relationship problems.

C0untDucku1a · 24/10/2018 07:57

How old are you? If youve time to find someone else just get divorced. This marriage wont get better. If not gt oregnant and he will leave anyway but youll have the second child

ShatnersWig · 24/10/2018 08:02

I don't want DC to resent me for not having a sibling

Seriously, stop that projecting shit. Millions of people are only children and have NO ISSUES at all, either as children or as adults. I'm one, and I sure as hell do not resent my parents for the fact I don't have a brother or sister. They could only just afford to have me, so stopped at one. Good for them.

Shoxfordian · 24/10/2018 08:12

There's nothing wrong with being an only child. I was a very happy only child and never wanted a sibling.

Notacluewhatthisis · 24/10/2018 08:29

Your thinking on this is all backwards

greendale17 · 24/10/2018 08:33

There doesn't seem a point to continuing the marriage if the reason we didn't have baby2 is because we couldn't get past relationship issues.

^So you would rather give up on your marriage in your quest to have another baby.

Carry on then love and see how hard it is to be a single mum

Wolfiefan · 24/10/2018 08:39

Your DC is much more likely to resent growing up in a toxic environment full of bickering than not having a sibling.
Sort out your marriage. Or get out.

RedDwarves · 24/10/2018 08:53

Your child will be far more damaged by parents who can't get along but insist upon staying together and wallowing in their mutual misery than they will be from not having a sibling.

Only children can and do thrive. Children with parents who are in a toxic relationship are less likely to do so.

LettuceP · 24/10/2018 08:59

Either work on the marriage because you want the marriage to be happy or get divorced. Forget about the baby for now.