want second baby but marriage a mess

[Squirrel31]

Appreciate any thoughts on this...
Been married for 8 years and have gorgeous 3yr old. Marriage has always been shaky but recently I've really started to resent DH. Our sex life is down to once every 3-4 months if that and we are often bickering. Thing is I feel hugely angry at him for not making an effort in the marriage so we can have a second baby. I feel so guilty that our son will miss out on a sibling and that makes me even more angry at DH. He thinks it's all me and how can he be nice to someone who hates him - it's a mess! He flat out won't do couples counselling because it's me that has the problem apparently grrrf!

Oh ffs. I'm an only child and I don't resent my parents for not giving me a sibling. I'm sick of hearing this shit about only children. You don't miss what you've never had.

You need to decide if you really want to make the marriage work or not.

Can you work on your marriage? What do you want from your marriage?
Is there anyway you and dh can talk about what you both need from each other and how you can achieve it?

You don't miss what you've never had.

^I completely disagree with that statement

A lot of children resent the second child when it comes along. They're used to being a singleton, and dont like having to share toys and parents' time with a new baby, and sometimes that feeling never goes away. So in many ways one child is ideal, especially if they've got cousins.

Squirrel31 your child could resent not having a sibling or resent a new child. Speaking as mum to a teen they tend to resent a lot at certain stages!

Get counselling for you. What do you want. Do you want to work on your marriage, and of you do choose to, then go for it.

Yoir marriage needs to be strong to stand more kids. It's more work for everyone.

If you did ever love your dh and he loved you, there is hope I believe.

If he thinks you hate him and maybe all you want is another child, I don't blame him for feeling unlike sex.

Who is limiting sex, you or he? Or is no one instigating it?

Assuming he is not abusive and is a good bloke and you find him attractive etc all big assumptions! then sex might have a healing purpose in your marriage.

Can you put thoughts of baby 2 on hold for a few months and just try and fall back in love again?

You do not need to answer but how old are you and how old is your son?

I don't want DC to resent me for not having a sibling
WTF?
No child in born into the world with the explicit understanding that they will get and are owed a sibling.
Where did that come from?
How odd.

Lots of people with siblings hate each other.
There is no guarantee here that they will get on well.

Sort your marriage out or... leave it.
Life is way too short to be unhappy.
You may find someone who values and wants you and you could have a child with them!

There are no hard and fast rules in this world.
You get one shot at life.
That's it.
So make it a happy one.

If you aren’t getting on then I understand your Hs reluctance. It’s far more important to get the marriage on track than be desperate about having another child. If it looks like the marriage won’t get on track then it’s better to split and maybe look at another child if in another relationship further down the line . I always think it’s wrong to try and’trap’ an unwilling partner no matter how much you may want another child

Here are two threads from the OP in July, made one week apart about the state of this marriage.

To bring a baby into this would be seriously fucking shit parenting.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3307657-Marriage-is-falling-apart

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3316588-Husband-smashed-a-plate-and-ruined-new-carpet

ShatnersWig thank you for sharing those two links to previous threads by Squirrel31.

OP I'm light of this please ignore everything I have said. The arguing and destroying property (the carowy) now sounds abusive and a reason to leave.

I personally would not be contemplating another child with a man I was so unhappy with. I would be seriously contemplating leaving.

I don't know all the details of your financial situation or your work life bit I would definitely explore life without an angry partner.

If at a future point you meet someone else and decode to have another baby, great. I had my second child, by adoption, at 48! My dd is on the spectrum and has not found it easy having a brother even though she desperately wanted a sibling.

You do not owe your son a sibling, but he should be able to grow up in a happy home not filled with conflict IMHO.

the carpet not *carowy' on other thread!

Why did you not leave, or make the decision to leave, after the incident with the carpet? It must have been quite scary, to have done that much damage! And, yes, a new baby is the LAST thing you need in this situation! You need to be rid of that man

Quicker you leave, quicker you can find someone else to have a baby with

I find it very disturbing that it appears to be ok for some people that the husband is treated as a sperm donnor. OP you mention lack of sex but you are not getting along, would you expect sex anyway just because you planned 2 DCs? If it was reversed I wonder what people would say.
Your DC does not have any plans regarding a sibling. He told you what he wants: for you to be happy. You say that you are not obsessed with a second child, I wonder if you are being honest with yourself.
As PP have said before, either work on improving your marriage or finish it if you feel you can't. It sounds really unhealthy that your main issue is having a second child when you don't know where your relationship stands.