Transgender husband

[Jadeddragon]

Hi im very new to this and its taken alot to get here. So i guess the best place to start is the beginning.

Me and my husband have been together for 6 years both have traumatic upbringing think its what bonded us. We have two lovely little monkies. We have always been very explorative during sex one time thats relavent to this post is a foursome with his cousin and a friend. Now since then me and my husbands cousin have been occasionaly sleeping with each other purely sexual no feelings my husband is aware and is fine. The issue has arisen is my husband has come out as transgender which i feel he has tricked me in a sense. He says he let us have an open relationship as he felt guilty. I now feel guilty and have discussed leaving my husband but would stay friends and remain close but not physically as im not attracted to women. But hes now stating he doesnt want to as means losing me. Tbh i just dont know what to do anymore. We work great but im struggling to find him attractive as hes now wearing my clothes and underwear which i fully support im just stuck and feel like im drowning. I understand people will frown on this as it is unconventional but some honest advice would be beneficial.

Thank you in advance

It all sounds complicated! I would not be happy if my partner wanted to dress as a woman though. I don’t find it attractive. I have some experience of this, and sex was focused purely on him and how he looked to himself. I was just used as a prop, and it got where he never wanted to have ‘normal’ sex anymore and it all became a massive turn-off. I also think transitioning is a shitty thing to do if you have children, but that’s just my opinion.

You don't have to stay married if you don't want to.

Stop shagging your husband's cousin (if you still are,) and amicably separate now, is my sincere advice. Because I cannot see your relationship surviving longterm if he goes onto hormones and you're no longer attracted to him, and staying will only prolong a whole deal of suffering and be more likely to end up in a bitter and resentful separation.
I understand though that it's easy for me to say that with emotional distance, and much harder to actually consider. There is a thread on the feminism chat part of the site that might be able to give more perspective - trans widows, I think?

This relationship sounds deeply unhealthy.

I am not opposed to swingers or open relationships. Each to their own.....but his cousin? Really?

I think you both could do with separate counselling. And you have every right to end your marriage. If he gives it up and you stay together, bets on that he does it in secret.

And it's absolutely not ok that he wears your clothes to do this.

And it's absolutely not ok that he wears your clothes to do this.

Wholeheartedly agree with this. It's one thing to present as female, but quite another that your husband is presenting as you.

Having a foursome with his family member whilst pissed is weird and deeply grim. And then carrying on with it 🙄
Then with him dressing up in your underwear and clothes.
Tbh this sounds like a bonkers situation to bring kids up in. Keep them away from all this drama.

Forget about the foursome/open marriage stuff.

You don't need to stay married to someone who you aren't attracted to, whether that is because they change how they act, how they look or how they 'identify'.

Your DH needs to go to counselling to explore what's happening with his identity and whether this is a permanent change he wants to make. Part-time cross-dressing in your clothes is not the answer. You have young DC and need to provide a stable environment.

Focusing just on the issue. You need to separate. There is no way to make this work for you both now.

Either you compromise, and live in a situation which makes you deeply uncomfortable or you husband compromises, and isn’t living true to himself, and likely grows to resent you.

Ok here's my take on this situation. Firstly it's messy and each to their own but the cousin situation is icky .
Anyway , that aside - your feelings are valid . Don't feel guilty. The man you married is not the person you believed he was . Transition is selfish , it has to be . In order for your husband to progress then he's going to need to put his needs first . And yes I get the whole pronoun issue but he is currently living as a he . Put your needs as equal to his . He needs to transition and you need to not be married to a trans woman. You stated your not attracted. Stay supportive , stay the very best of friends and get yourself some support. Your going to go through a period of grieving your husband as a man and the end of your relationship as a heterosexual couple . Looking after your needs are just as important.

When you entered into your marriage your DH was, as far as you were concerned, a heterosexual man. As a heterosexual woman (I presume) you set your stall out fairly clearly that you were attracted to men. Your DH has now significantly changed the terms of your relationship by stating that he is trans. Has he specified what he means by that? The trans umbrella is so wide these days. Does he actually say that he is in fact a woman, or is he just partial to cross-dressing?

Whatever the case, you are not under any obligation to stay with him if you are no longer attracted to the person he wants to become. Don't let yourself be browbeaten about how you ought to love him no matter what - you can't help how you feel any more than he can.

Definitely get yourself over to the trans widow thread. He is probably a garden variety AGP who gets off dressing up as a woman.

You are allowed to leave him. I couldn’t honestly stay with my dh if he started dressing as a women. If I had wanted a relationship with a women be that trans or just women I would of but I married man.

@Jadeddragon I am sorry you are going through this. If you are not happy in the relationship you can take steps to end your marriage but still parent your children together.

Yeah that’s a deal breaker for me. I’d divorce and remain amicable for the children. I’d engage some family counselling to help the children through what will be a difficult time if they transition fully. If it’s just a sex kink, as opposed to them actually transitioning I’d still break up. Not my scene.

I would also tell hem to get their own clothing and not wear mine!

Sorry for earlier post, I didn't want to make light of the situation and had no idea how bad stuff can get and this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3101834-trans-widows-escape-committee

Just shocked me.

Whilst I always think we have to try to support our spouses and expect the same from them, this is one of my exceptions.

I feel that as I am attracted to men and married a man, I would struggle with that changing. I would try to understand it being a part of my husband’s life, but like you I’d feel a bit duped.

Equally, I think I’d be wrong suddenly dressing like a man, after marrying my husband. It’s just like suddenly being married to a completely different person.

So for me, it would not work and I’d probably very sadly have to leave my husband. What a hard one op, especially as apart from this you work so well.

OP if you want to get a divorce, you can get one.

For whatever reason you want.

Don't let anyone guilt trip you into staying in a relationship that you are not happy in, for any reason.

Agree with sackrifice you can edit the marriahe for any reason.

Thank you for all the wonderful advice and support i have browsed the trans widows tread and its so relieving knowing im not alone in how i feel

You're not alone jade

Sexual activity asside. If you can't be attracted t a women then thats not your fault, it's just your biology. You partner should've known the risk telling you this. Surely they need to put their happiness and identity rather than living a lie. You guys need to push the open marriage and active asside and focus on what this means for DH and you as a couple x

Ok my sympathy left when I heard about you having sex with his cousin

Not jealousy obviously

If you found the MN trans widows thread helpful you'll probably find this even more helpful.

It's a blog post followed by 173 replies from women who've been affected. Very enlightening comments.

So Your Husband is “Becoming A Woman”: Advice from women who’ve been there.