The poor relation

[Namechanger1404]

I have 2 adult children who are in relationships, their partners are lovely, and they are happy. The parents of their partners are in established relationships, are comfortably off, retired and have lives, and can offer many things. I on the other hand, am single, on a mediocre wage and feel I have nothing to offer my family. My son is mostly at his girlfriends now (my daughter lives with her boyfriend) and I feel I’m just not good enough.
I am very grateful that their ‘in laws’ have embraced my children, I’m not in competition or trying to be, but I feel wholly inadequate, and feel they would rather spend time with the other families. I feel very low.

Does/has anyone ever felt this way? How do you cope with it?

I'm in the same position OP. My child's in laws are retired, massive house, very well off. Always buying their grandchildren stuff, treating them. My ex is a millionaire (he wasn't when I left him btw) big house etc the same. I'm working until I get my state pension, live in a dump, work full time. I am the poor relation. But my children earn far more than I'll ever earn and they look after me now which is nice. I do wish however I could treat them sometimes like the other relatives do. I know how you feel OP. 

You are both judging yourselves far more harshly than anyone one else is judging you.
I'm certain they don't look down on you or think badly. You don't need money to be a good person. Support and love comes in your emotions and words not what you can buy. It's normal for grown up childen to want to spend time with their partners, don't take it personally.

As a child from a single mum with not a lot of money marrying into a family with money - we honestly don't see it! Please don't feel down about yourself because I have never once felt that my DHs family do more for us or our family because they have more money

OP ..Please stop! You are the kids mum and they love you ..isn't that enough? My son is nearly 30 in a job that makes my head spin! I have no clue what he is even talking about half the time as it isnt anything I can relate to...He has more money than I could ever dream of,designer everything,holidays to match.Yet I am the first person he comes to when he needs advice..when he has a cold! when he is upset...He has a lovely life,the kind I dreamed he always would have,Me well,little,overweight,greying,rented house and beat up old car in a dead end job paying peanuts! But as proud of him as I am he is proud of me in equal measures.We are best friends..I used to dread meeting his friends and colleagues,I used to feel embarassment as i couldnt talk their language or financially keep up with them but you know what I didnt need to,In all honesty they didnt expect me to either,It was all in my head.They came to my shed of a house in their Aston Martins and Jags and happily sat down in my kitchen eating egg chips n beans and loving it,Genuine people do not judge I found.We laughed together,they call over ,they sleep over sometimes and the world keeps turning...You know the best ever thing I love? Its when hes walking down the road with his friends all dolled up and turns round waves and yells out love you mum! He isnt ashamed where he comes from or what I couldnt give him...and he isnt ashamed of me....I suspect the pressure is coming from you..be open and welcoming and you might be surprised at what you get back! As I look out of my window now a Range Rover and a BMW have just pulled up right next to my 1994 old banger and you know what? I think it looks like its my turn to get the chip pan on again! And I gladly will whilst I nod in all the right places and explain that they can go on all they like about fluctuating markets but the only market I will ever understand is the supermarket....Its was hard for me and my son growing up together but it only ever was me and him,,,I did my job and I was young..I kept him safe,fed and watered and let him fly,,,He is flying now,,I am still here nothing has changed for me but I am content,Best Wishes sent to you Please don't be so hard on yourself

@sally your post really struck a chord with me and actually brought a tear to my eye. I feel quite similar to the op but what you said was all I needed to hear I think! So thank you ☺️

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe that was beautifully written from the heart. Please read it and take note OP, for you both

Lovely post Sally it really sums it up well. If you're a loving mum with a good relationship with your kids, they don't care if you don't have two brass farthings to rub together!

Lovely post Sally

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe what a lovely way to put it!

From the other side of the table - My MIL is significantly less well off than my parents. She lives in a little bungalow in a small town in the north east of England. It is beautifully decorated and furnished (she is amazing at painting, decorating and sewing) and whenever we visit she insists on giving up her bedroom for us and sleeps on a blowup. Her cooking isn't extravagant in ingredients but it is wholesome, warming and delicious, especially as it is normally freezing and drizzle up there! She always has a cup of tea ready at the right moment. I feel completely at home with her.

She is the most welcoming and friendly woman, always brings us little gifts whenever she visits (not expensive, but so thoughtful) and really wants to help out wherever she can (when we moved, me and DP took all out bits to the new flat and MIL and mum stayed at the old place to clean, it was spotless!).

What I'm trying to say is that it is not the expensive things that make a difference, it is feeling welcomed and loved when you see her, knowing she cares about you by her words and her gestures, and the obvious fact that she is absolutely brimming with pride in DP (and me a bit, I hope!) and the life we are building for ourselves!

Forgive my previous rambling post! I just think that love,respect and kindness is really all you need..money will never trump those things!Necessary you are right on with your lovely post...It is the greatest joy I have in seeing my child build a lovely life for himself as you and your husband appear to be doing too,its amazing to watch.I wish you continued happiness and success.I will never know you but I can see why everyone appears proud of you.Your parents must have done a great job!

Please do not worry. My parents are divorced, my dad and step-mum earn a good wage, have a nice house abroad, help me out financially every now and then if I need it. My mum has a low income, and I live with her and love every minute of it. I don't love her for money, she is just a brilliant human and my best friend! I am sure your kids think you are brilliant and don't ever think about money at all

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe not rambling at all, it was lovely! Thank you for your very kind comments, you've made me well up a bit!!

I agree it's not always about money. You can take an interest in people ask about their family, hobbies, work. You can spend time together without spending money, go to the park, have a cup of tea and a chat, or a phone call. You are not a lesser person !

OP - something always worth remembering is that people don’t value you for what you have, what you give them or even what you do. What matters more than anything is how you make them feel. Provide a warm welcome, a loving home and a place of comfort and support. And they will come and bring your grandchildren to it - honest!

Sallycinnamon wrote such a beautiful post that I really can't say anything better than that. She summed it all up so well.

Your DCs will always need you. Money really is not a factor in all this.

This probably my future too. :/
Reading with interest

It's not about your money. It's about being there as a mum and your personality and character. There's a lot money can't do and your unconditional love is priceless.

Great post Sally... the only thing I'd say is I wouldn't see my mum in a 1994 old banger when I had the money to upgrade her car.

I agree this isn't about the money, it's about the welcome and comfort level. As long as all parties feel welcome and comfortable then you will find they turn up. Don't worry op.

Oh Sandy bless you but I am very attatched to my old jalopy! My beat up old wreck and me have had some great adventures..I couldn't part with my old faithful car!! Its odd,rattley and quirky a bit like me!!! x

sally

That was lovely. Just shows also what a wonderful parent you are/have been. Raising a boy in to a respectful and humble man.

OP - If this is all coming from how you feel, with no reason given by your children, then please don't think this way.

They won’t care how much money you have. Just be interested in their lives and supportive. My boyfriends family have more money than my parents but we spend more time with my parents cause they accept us as we are.

Hmm. Well I think we need to be honest here that it's hard not having the money to swim with the rest.

Especially when our kids gravitate towards the money. It's so hard not being able to hold our own.

We're not all chip pan sorts! Though lovely story Sally

Op I know exactly what you mean. I seem to be up to my neck in wealthy people on every front. Yy I have a bohemian charm blah blah but it would be so much easier to vanish into wealth like the rest and not stick out like a sore (bohemian!) thumb.

Is it not your unique bohemian charm that makes you special Springy?I bet it is....I get its hard not having the money I do understand that bit but I think its more about the personal relationships formed.My son is very generous and I could have the benefit of his finances willingly from him but I don't...I go shopping with him and where he doesn't look at the price of anything really I couldn't justify spending the amounts he does..It doesn't make me happy.I think I kind of come across as some sort of aging hippy in flowered skirts sat in a tin shed being rather wacky and odd , a bit of a novelty figure for these high flying wealthy people to gravitate to but its not the case really its not! and the chip pan thing is really just a kind of way of expressing how my world is not like theirs.full of restuarants and wine bars!! They seem to chase money in my view,they want it ,need it ,,desire it even but I don't..I have enough to get by..I can go to to the hairdressers when I want,have a bottle of wine when I want and pay the bills on time but never will I have the disposable income they have...nor should I cos they work bloody hard for it! My son had the benefit of university where as I didnt cos I was raising him and trying to keep us a float and it seemed more important to invest in that than me...I guess what I was trying to say is regardless of the differences between our finances I just feel its all about grounding..Its about in our case,warmth,respect and pride in each other,its about being totally comfortable with each other and being at ease with who we are...I get it must be lovely being able to swan off to exotic islands and eat out all the time and have a new car everytime the plate changes but its just not me...I think with wealth it brings its own challenges.I like my simple easy life! I just hope the OP finds peace within herself and recognition that she is good enough to stand side by side with anyone and be happy to do so, She sounds lovely and I hope she can get past her concerns because I am sure if she asked her kids she would find them horrified that they would think she could feel like that..I bet they love her dearly..

What a beautiful thread. Sally, your post made me tear up.

Op, great advice on here.

I worry that my mother in law feels this way sometimes, because my family take us on big holidays, visit us and take us out for fancy meals etc. However, we NEVER think of her in this way. She cooks for us, brings us lovely flowers from her garden, vegetables from her patch, will sit and listen to us talk for hours and be so excited and happy for us and that is much more emotional currency than I get from my parents. I appreciate her because she is so affectionate, supportive, loving and kind towards us and when you're an adult on your own two feet, that's what matters - not mummy and daddy's pocket money.