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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he over-reacting or am I being selfish?

31 replies

Mumof234 · 22/10/2018 22:02

For the last few weeks my husband has started kissing me before he leaves for work (he used to do this before we had children) at approx 5am most day. His alarms wakes me, then he disturbs me when he comes back in to get dressed (after showering) before disturbing me once more to say goodbye (after making a coffee and something to eat). My children have been waking me in the night recently too so I have been having lots of broken sleep. I asked my husband tonight if he would mind kissing me goodbye when he has finished getting dressed instead of waking me again as he leaves. He told me I was selfish and wouldn't let me explain my reasons. He said that I get to sleep for 2 more hours than him (by the time I do eventually go back to sleep I normally get 30mins before the children wake me!) while he is the one getting up so early to provide for us! He says he won't bother kissing me anymore and stormed off!
Please tell me it was not an unreasonable request for me to make?!?

OP posts:
Bananacloud · 22/10/2018 22:11

Grin this one reminds me of my husband doing the same with me on a morning.
I asked him nicely to give me a kiss when he woke up instead of before he left for work (we had no kids at the time) and he called me selfish (in a jokey way) and agreed to not wake me before he left.
But yeah I can see it from both points, but I think it’s sweet that he still does it cuz my husband actually stopped since we had baby

Frosty66611 · 22/10/2018 22:13

YANBU
It’s sweet that he wants to do it but it would drive anyone insane being repeatedly woken up when already shattered

bastardkitty · 22/10/2018 22:15

So he resents that you get to stay in bed longer and wakes you up on purpose? And when you call him on it, he's shitty with you. Horrible.

Standinguptononsense · 22/10/2018 22:16

Bastardkitty. Those were my exact thoughts too.

7yo7yo · 22/10/2018 22:22

Bastardkittys right.
Sounds like he’s thinking how fucking dare she get more sleep than me. So now, every time your awake disturb the fucker.
When you get up with the kids, if you get up to use the loo, if you turn over....wake him up.
He’ll soon learn

neverbetrickedagain · 22/10/2018 22:51

While we slept in the same room, alarm on his phone would go off at least 10 times before he actually got up or switched off. Then he would switch the light on (full on even though it was never that dark that one could not see) and start making noise with wardrobe doors and drawers. It drove me nuts. I tried explaining how all that bothered me and asked if he could at least refrain from turning the light on, but he never cared enough to do anything about it. Mind you, we have 2 small children whom I have been tended to day and night since they were born. Moving into kids' room was such a relief.

So, I can understand OP what you mean and I don't think you are being selfish.

Maelstrop · 22/10/2018 23:25

So he disrupts your sleep 3 times every morning? Selfish wanker! Can you burrow under the duvet? Mine creeps out as silently as he can, as do I. Mine works shifts so most mornings, I am the one creeping out. Your dh is overly sensitive to make a deal out of this.

Uggywuggy · 23/10/2018 00:10

Yep, my husband used to do this but after we had a chat, he now kisses me goodbye and has his clothes out the night before so he doesn’t have to come back in to wake me.

However, he’s just started having a chat to me now when the alarm goes off at 3:45am!!! ‘Did you sleep well?’ etc. Um, no, not the best time!! Smile

Having said that, I think it’s nice out husbands want to do that, there are many that wouldn’t!!

spacefighter · 23/10/2018 00:15

Why can't he have a shower and get dressed in another room so he only disturbs you once with his alarm and the goodbye kiss is just silly if your trying to sleep. Tell him to stop being selfish and stop throwing his toys out of the cot!

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2018 00:19

He's managed to weaponise kissing. That's about the most passive aggressive thing you could do.

JellieEllie · 23/10/2018 00:39

I think he's selfish to say he won't bother in future; it's not very nice at all. Mine used to be like this but I did have words and things really did change afterwards.
Mine gets up at 5am for the gym but he gets all of his clothes out the night before and puts them in the living room.
He usually pulls me in for a cuddle and kiss when his alarm goes off, he will then leave the bedroom and shut the door behind him so I can't hear him making breakfast etc.
If he does forget to get his clothes out ready the night before and needs to turn the light on he will pull the quilt over my head before he does.
Before he leaves for work he will come back in and give me another kiss and cuddle tell me he loves me and then leaves and I go back to sleep.
I guess this is just our morning routine now but I do love it and I would be gutted if it was any other way. I'm shit when I've not had much sleep and he gets grunts out of me instead of words and a half hearted cuddle most days though! However I imagine not all people would appreciate early morning wake ups like this.

mindutopia · 23/10/2018 06:14

God, no, that’s rude. When my dh or I have to get up early (I used to leave for work at 5:45 several mornings a week and he occasionally gets up early for travel), we’d set our alarm to the lowest setting, have our toothbrushes and clothes downstairs, I used to blow dry my hair in the dining room, and sneak out with breakfast to eat in the car to avoid waking the other. The other one has the longer slog at home with the dc, often doing the night wakings when they weren’t the one getting up early, doing the school run, and usually doing dinner time alone. That person got to sleep and the other one tiptoed out the door.

DeadCertain · 23/10/2018 06:21

Very rude. I get up hours earlier than my husband (when he is home at all!) and set out my clothes / hairdryer etc the night before in another room. I tend to wake just before my alarm would go off and sneak out of the bedroom, shutting the door so I don't disturb him. I don't go back in at all before I leave the house and he doesn't wake. He hates early mornings so wouldn't be keen on a kiss at 0300!!!

fuddle · 23/10/2018 10:52

Hmmmm why has he suddenly started doing this again?

Yamayo · 23/10/2018 11:21

That is so utterly selfish of him. Agree with posters who said he was doing it on purpose to wake you up- he's admitted it himself.

Nothing loving about it.

woodhill · 23/10/2018 11:23

Not nice. dh goes early and never wakes me up or deliberately disturbs me

sophiec123 · 23/10/2018 11:27

Reminds me of me and my partner 😂 we have an 8 month old and in the beginning when I was having broken sleep I folded all of his clothes for him and piled them with his shoes, bag and deodorant etc and put them on the landing

cakecakecheese · 23/10/2018 11:44

Does he wake up when the children wake you in the night? If not then maybe you should wake him for a kiss Grin

But yeah he's resentful of you getting a bit of a lie in which is ridiculous, unless you literally do nothing during the day but I'm guessing that very much isn't the case!

babygoose48 · 23/10/2018 12:19

I’m usually up 6.30am every day before DP but on my occasional lie in days my partner used to dry his hair with the hairdryer blasting in the bedroom at 7.30am with all the lights on! Drove me batty! YANBU!

Cambionome · 23/10/2018 12:31

What is wrong with these selfish men??!

RagingWhoreBag · 23/10/2018 12:58

What a douche! weaponising kissing is a great way to put it. PA twattery in the extreme. After all, who can object to a kiss, 'he's just being nice', how unreasonable you are etc - clearly he's just pissy that your'e still asleep and wants to make sure you're not. Angry

Absolutely not unreasonable of you to point out that being repeatedly woken up is annoying. The only unreasonable thing is that you've agreed to him waking you at all! How about he kisses you goodbye at night when you go to sleep and then leaves you the fuck alone in the morning!?

Agree with the poster who suggests if he does it again or makes a fuss about it, you wake him up with kisses (or get the DCs to kiss him when they come in) throughout the night, just so that he can see what a selfish tosser he's being.

My DP prides himself on "ninja-ing out" without disturbing me in the mornings if he has an early start and I don't. He can go back to sleep in seconds, but he knows that I can't - after many issues around it in the early days he's learned that I don't take kindly to unnecessary and repeated wakings, so he's careful to turn alarms off quickly and wouldn't dare kiss me as he leaves. I also wear ear plugs (due to his terrible snoring) so I can sleep through anything these days!

If you want to be nice about it, you could suggest he leaves a note or texts you (with your phone on silent!!) to say goodbye, but really there's no need for it.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2018 13:03

Sounds like every time you get up for the kids you need to wake him for a kiss!! Or agree you'll get up when he does if he does half the overnight wake ups

Original poster
Mumof234 · 23/10/2018 22:23

Thanks all, for confirming that he is being an idiot! ;)
He still won't talk to me about it as he is so angry Hmm
Things have been strained for quite a while so he thinks by kissing me goodbye he is making an effort. I don't mind a goodbye kiss, just not one that is going to wake me up again.
I'd love to disturb him during his sleep but the ironic thing is that he would be very annoyed but still not understand the comparison!

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 23/10/2018 23:39

Well he’s not just a douche, he’s a hypocritical douche then! Do it. And if he gets annoyed just say “oh I thought you liked it as you keep doing it to me?!”

Laureline · 24/10/2018 07:36

Tell him he’s being an idiot and that you will kiss him every time you get up in the night to settle the children.
I’m sorry but he’s a twat.

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