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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating husband, child upset

51 replies

Bloodyfucksake · 22/10/2018 20:31

A few months ago I had a thread on here about my husband's other woman getting in contact. I had a lot of support and I felt like I was dealing with everything with strength and grace.

The husband moved into our apartment and I was completely civil yet made my boundaries clear. Thanks to the support of mumsnet I could offload here and then be calm when dealing with the shit.

My younger children didn't even notice their dad was living elsewhere. He works away a lot (hence the other woman) but they didnt notice he wasn't staying with us!

My eldest noticed though. I didn't tell him the details but I told him that his dad and I weren't getting along and that it was better we didn't stay together for a while to avoid fighting and keep a nicer atmosphere.

So now the husband has gone away working again. And this weekend my eldest has fallen apart. He was so angry for all of Saturday- he worried his father would not return because I made him stay in the apartment. I couldn't calm him. He called his dad and they spoke many times at length. Nothing would calm him down.

Then on Sunday he cried and cried for me to let his father come home.

I want to say Yes, his father can come home. I want my son's heart to heal. I want my family back. I can't bear this. But what about if the husband does it again?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 22/10/2018 20:46

How old is your eldest? Can’t you say daddy has a girlfriend and that’s why.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 22/10/2018 20:48

Joysmum I guess I have to but it will be terrible for him. He's 9.

OP posts:
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 20:53

This isn’t your fault and he deserves to know that. Your husband has had time to consider this consequence and it’s his doing. Why should you let your son resent you to protect this scumbag? Your son is old enough to need a reason.

HereIgoagainxx · 22/10/2018 20:55

Why doesn't his dad tell him why he has left?

Rayn · 22/10/2018 21:00

My son was 9 when my husband had an affair and we split up. It was heartbreaking listening to him cry himself to sleep. They way we did it was to remain super amicable even though it was hard so our son could see we were still ok! He is 19 now and we always made an effort to put him first however hard it was! My ex also worked away a lot and the youngest never noticed it!!

Rayn · 22/10/2018 21:01

I did not take him back btw and things do get better. He is how married to the other woman and to be fair she has been fab with the kids!!

pudding21 · 22/10/2018 21:03

bloodyfucksake I know its been a while since he left, and its not quite the same but when my eldest was told by his Dad in a very stressed enviroment I was leaving, he went crazy. I have never seen him like that he was inconsolable for hours. I thought the next few months were going to be hell, but after a couple of days he seemed to accept it a little bit more each day.. Fact is he saw how we weren't getting on, he saw how his dad treated me, but he still wanted us to stay together of course. Its a massive change for him, even though you said he works away a lot, he still sees you as a unit. Its a shock to him.

I talked to DS a lot, without giving him too many details. Others may have better advice but i think I would tell him his dad broke the vows you make when you get married and you can't live with him at present. Reassure him that you both still love him, and get his twat of a dad to answer the uncomfortable questions.

Hope it gets easier soon, its heart breaking to see the kids hurting like that.

MyBrexitIsIll · 22/10/2018 21:22

I like the idea of telling him that Dady has a girlfriend.
Because that’s the truth and it’s NOT you who is driving daddy away iyswim.

Interesting too that your ex hasn’t told your ds either....

category12 · 22/10/2018 21:30

I think you'd be better being honest and having your H move out properly, instead of this half-there half-not. The insecurity of not knowing what's going on and being afraid of change is worse than the reality.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 23/10/2018 02:01

Thanks everyone. Yes, I agree it should come down to his dad to explain whats going on, but it will never happen. The family dynamic has always been that I am the go to parent for difficult / uncomfortable conversations. Mainly because their dad is often not There, and also because hell will freeze before Husband admits he's in the wrong.

It is also confusing with their dad staying so close by , and our house is for sale now. Hopefully it will sell and we can sort out something better.

Pudding and Rayn I've never seen him so upset and it's terrible. I just want to fix it quickly.

OP posts:
Catsatrophe · 23/10/2018 03:02

Why are you the 'go to ' parent?

What does 'family' mean in this context?

Does your husband's family also see you as the only responsible one?

HereIgoagainxx · 23/10/2018 04:40

Stop being the go to parent. Tell your son to ask his father. Your ex really has you where he wants you. Are you going to be covering for him every time he lets your son down?. Start as you mean to go on, I say.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 23/10/2018 05:06

Why am I the go to parent? Because their dad is often not here.

Husbands family don't count at all in this - they like to pretend I dont exist. They see the kids once a year. They talk to the husband weekly though.

It's not about protecting the husband - its about protecting my children. I'm not going to hurt them just to make my life easier.

Ideally the husband would talk to him. Make things ok. But I dont live in an ideal world and I have to make the best out of what I've got.

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 23/10/2018 06:05

At the moment your ds thinks you are making his dad live elsewhere for no reason, which must be confusing and terrible.

I agree with pp, tell him that his dad has a girlfriend. If you want to keep things amicable, tell your xh that you are going to do that so that he can formulate his response.

I think a concrete reason will help your ds to understand what is happening. He will be disappointed and angry with his dad, but when inevitably challenged it will be an opportunity for your ex to explain and begin to build bridges. It also means that your ds can look to you for the support and comfort that he needs, instead of feeling anger towards you.

When a similar situation arose in my marriage I told dc the reason for the marriage breakdown. They were furious with him and clung to me but we both maintained the same message : your dad made a wrong choice that means we can't live together, but he loves you and always will. They loved him so it didn't take long for them to forgive him. They all have a close relationship now. They see him as flawed but essentially a good person, they love their dad. But being honest initially meant they understood that there was a reason for the separation, and that they could turn to me for support.

ChangingStates · 23/10/2018 06:30

I am going to go against the grain here- you're son is dealing with a massive emotional load with his parents separating and I think it would be a horrible additional stress on him to then have to deal with the knowledge his dad cheated on you- he is only 9. I do think he needs to be clear that it is not on you though.
When my husband and I separated (he had had an emotional affair that had some physical aspects but not a full blown affair as far as I know) my then 10yr old was devastated.
I can't imagine how much worse it would have been for her to deal with the knowledge of her dad cheating. We told her & younger sibling that we didn't love each other in the same way, we didn't make each other happy any more, we still loved them more than anything. We also said that it was not for them to know all the details of the whys and wherefores that that was private between me & him. We have made every effort to be amicable and spend some time together with the kids.
They have got used to it and are adjusting pretty well so far, we separated 10 months ago now. Although it must be awful to have your son blaming you, and I think absolutely you (and your husband) need to sit with him and explain that this is not your fault but a shared choice, or even his choice if you like, but I would think carefully about whether telling him about the affair is really in his best interests and what impact that knowledge will have his emotional well-being.

HereForTheLineEyes · 23/10/2018 06:40

Just tell your son the truth. Of he wants further details or asks why Daddy chose to get a girlfriend tell him that you aren't sure and he should ask his Dad.

He is going to find out some day. I don't see how avoiding it is protecting him.

HereForTheLineEyes · 23/10/2018 06:46

I think unless you give him the proper reason he might always battle with the guilt himself. Was it something I did, was I naughty and Daddy didn't want to live here anymore?

Realistically high school is just around the corner and he will soon be exposed to more adult themes on tv like affairs and things, he will put two and two together at some stage. I think if you lie at this stage he could look back and resent you for hiding the truth from him, even if you feel you are protecting him.

My Dad died suddenly when I was 6, my Mum didn't tell me until after the funeral because she thought this was best. It took me a very long time to get past massive resentment that everyone knew what I didn't, and I spent those days blissfully unaware.

Once you start lying about it you have to create more and more little lies as he questions further and further, and you will lose your sons trust

DontCareWasMadeToCare · 23/10/2018 06:53

You have to tell the truth. Your DS deserves the truth, just like you do.

Every time he cries he will be blaming you, on false pretences. Fine it that's real, but it's not. He will turn away from you if he thinks it's your fault. Why should you let him have his Dad taken away (in his eyes) and force him to live with the caregiver he blames for his misery?

If you want a future relationship that's trusting then you have to tell him the truth. The poor boy has no anchor otherwise. A 9 year old needs an anchor.

DontCareWasMadeToCare · 23/10/2018 07:02

I'd also say never wait for a man to do the right thing. You have to assume he won't. Yeah, it's not nice and it's not right, but you have to see it for what it is, not what it should be.

He's never going to confess to his children, so it's your job to tell them the truth. Or be the bad guy unfairly, which will remove their anchor and make life much harder for them than it already is.

I would tell him that it's more than you both needing to live apart so the environment is nicer for everyone. You need to say the truth is daddy decided to go away and have a relationship with another lady and wants to live with her now instead of living with you. It's really important the kids know it's not them that is being rejected, but just that in a practical level two women can't live in the same house as a family and that's why Dad has to live somewhere else now.

I'd be honest and say you have a million questions you could ask yourself, but you won't because it doesn't make any difference to the outcome, and you have to concentrate on repairing life now, but if dc want to ask Dad anything they can do what they need to. Just be aware he may not answer as he may feel bad about what he's done.

AstralTraveller · 23/10/2018 07:07

You are not doing your son any favours here OP. He will find out you have lied or at least been 'economical with the truth' and may resent you for it. Honest all the way will pay dividends long term.

Hissy · 23/10/2018 07:35

It’s absolutely not cruel to give your child the appropriate truth. It’s kinder to relieve his confusion and reinforces your role as someone to trust and someone who is honest with him, loyal to him and there to discuss things with.

Your child is on the cusp of the raging hormones, omission could very well be hormonally twisted into you lying to him.

If I can explain to a 5yo that daddy can’t live with us because he didn’t treat me kindly (ds himself said - is it because daddy shouts at mummy) you can navigate this with your ds. You’ll be amazed at how much they surprise you with maturity and wisdom. Open the dialogue without blame, and allow him to ask questions

Some questions you may need to tell him that you can’t answer right now, or even that you don’t know the answer, that’s ok too.

Hissy · 23/10/2018 07:37

A 9 year old needs an anchor.

That’s a lovely comment, absolutely right. Our dc all need an anchor.

7yo7yo · 23/10/2018 07:41

You need to tell
Him the truth.
At the moment your getting the blame. This may or may not have longer term implications for your relationship with your son.
Kids deal with the truth better than we think.
It is you “D”H responsibility to make sure his relationship with the kids is stable.
Don’t take responsibility for that. That’s on him.

Nagsnovalballs · 23/10/2018 07:46

Tell about the girlfriend because children will Blame you and then blame themselves. Your son did want deserve to isn’t his relationship with you ruined nor does he deserve to have his sense of self destroyed. He will most likely Become a very unhappy or angry young man

Nagsnovalballs · 23/10/2018 07:46

*does not deserve to have