Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating husband, child upset

51 replies

Bloodyfucksake · 22/10/2018 20:31

A few months ago I had a thread on here about my husband's other woman getting in contact. I had a lot of support and I felt like I was dealing with everything with strength and grace.

The husband moved into our apartment and I was completely civil yet made my boundaries clear. Thanks to the support of mumsnet I could offload here and then be calm when dealing with the shit.

My younger children didn't even notice their dad was living elsewhere. He works away a lot (hence the other woman) but they didnt notice he wasn't staying with us!

My eldest noticed though. I didn't tell him the details but I told him that his dad and I weren't getting along and that it was better we didn't stay together for a while to avoid fighting and keep a nicer atmosphere.

So now the husband has gone away working again. And this weekend my eldest has fallen apart. He was so angry for all of Saturday- he worried his father would not return because I made him stay in the apartment. I couldn't calm him. He called his dad and they spoke many times at length. Nothing would calm him down.

Then on Sunday he cried and cried for me to let his father come home.

I want to say Yes, his father can come home. I want my son's heart to heal. I want my family back. I can't bear this. But what about if the husband does it again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 23/10/2018 08:01

Poor DS. I see what posters mean, about hiding the truth being a lie in his eyes.

The slight problem is that when it came down to it, my husband didn't want to be with the other woman. He isn't with her. So when DS asks his dad, his dad will say that he wants to come home and be with us.

Common consensus is that I should tell DS that his dad was dating someone else. He shouldn't have been because we promised to be only eith each other, and now he is living away from us as he broke his promise?

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 23/10/2018 08:06

Yes that’s sounds ok op.
But you also need to say something about how dad wants to come back but he can’t because we don’t know if he will have another girlfriend or not in future and it’s not fair on anyone to have him coming and going all the time. So while he’s always their dad, he can’t be your husband as he makes you too sad.

7yo7yo · 23/10/2018 08:07

I’m sure there will be wiser along

Nagsnovalballs · 23/10/2018 08:09

Sounds spot on to me. Then reiterate that you both still love the children very much.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 23/10/2018 08:30

7yo7yo that hits the nail on the head. I'd have him back in heartbeat, except I'm sure he'll do it again.

OP posts:
DontCareWasMadeToCare · 23/10/2018 08:37

It makes no difference whether he now lives with her or not.

A 9 year old will understand about faithfulness and breaking the marriage bond. It's not like a little white lie!

His Dad wanted to be with someone else and not you, whether he's living with her now or not is immaterial.

MaryJenson · 23/10/2018 08:50

Let him go and stay with his Dad?

whiteroseredrose · 23/10/2018 08:54

Bear in mind that unless this is a 100% watertight secret then your DS may find out from somebody else. Gossip happens and children have an inate ability to hear things they shouldn't.

Partnerproblem · 23/10/2018 08:55

I would not tell your DS. Tell him that you are hurt but I think that type of detail is unnecessary.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2018 08:59

You need to make a decision on whether you will get back together or not. A final decision and not go back on it.

Do not tell your child that his dad cheated if there is a chance you will get back together.

If however there is no chance, then you and your husband need to speak to him together, explain you both love him, but that the split is permanent. Your husband has to stop saying he would like to come home and making this your fault.

Sometimeitrains · 23/10/2018 09:05

Ok why would you have him back in a heartbeat? Not saying this to beconfrontational but just curious. Also if it's still undecided I would hold off on details with DS until you are certain.

MaryJenson · 23/10/2018 09:07

Why are you convinced he would do it again?

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 23/10/2018 11:17

Decision is made. I won't take him back. There were lots of details when I found out that I can't get over.
No option to let DS stay with his dad, and even if there was, I think getting angry with me 2 days out of 9 years is alright. He's my son, he doesn't get sent away.
Why am I certain he will do it again? She shared all her messages with me. I saw what he wrote so I know exactly what he thinks.
Why would I want to take him back in my heart? Because we were married for 10 years and I thought we were in love. Just because he changed his mind, I didn't. But that's doesn't mean I'm a doormat or a fool either.
I'm getting defensive now, and I don't mean to. I just thought it would be obvious that I wouldn't be able to just switch off from my marriage. And obvious that I wouldn't send away my hurt and confused son.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/10/2018 11:20

Ok so if the decision is made you need to be fair to your son. Right now neither of youbhave told him it's over for good. You've indicated it is temp and he's telling him he wants to come back. It's prolonging the pain for him not knowing and thinking their is hope.

As such, you need to sit him down together and tell him.

Hissy · 23/10/2018 11:25

The sort of thing I would say in this kind of circumstance would be something along the lines of:

"Sometimes adults make promises they break, and sadly your dad has broken a promise he made to me. I'm very, very sad/hurt about it, and don't know if I can get over it, but time will help. In the meantime, your dad and I have decided that a bit of space is needed for us to see what we do next. I can't tell what the future will bring, but whatever happens, we will all be OK, whether or not he comes back to live with us. We both love you and we are going to work as hard as we can to keep things as normal and happy for you both as poss."

MaryJenson · 23/10/2018 11:31

I didn’t mean send him away BloodyFS if you’re replying to me. I just meant he could stay with his Dad sometimes if he’s missing him - or split custody.
It’s not sending him away, he may want to go

Hissy · 23/10/2018 11:31

Of course you don't send him away! who DOES that???? Shock

Of course you want in your heart to have things back the way they were, but you also know that they never will be, and your certainty that he would absolutely cheat again is the mast you will need to cling to while you navigate these difficult waters.

These are very early days, this is all still so raw and all feelings are valid. Your son's anger is 100% normal and he should know that it's OK to be angry that you too are angry and are trying to find the right way to feel better about everything again.

When I got my ex out of our lives, I made sure that DS knew he could say anything to me and it would be ok, that no question should be unasked, and that I would do my very best to answer him as best I could, when I could.

You have a chance to bond more closely to your DS, take it. this is fixable. You need to talk, be honest with him and allow him to be honest with you about what he feels.

yakari · 23/10/2018 11:42

I think Hissy has a good set of words there. The big difference between 'Dad made a promise that he broke' and 'Dad cheated on me' is that at 9 your D.C. may not be mature enough to understand or deal with the sexual connotations of girlfriend or cheating.
Only you know how age appropriate it would be - some may cope, some may not.
Whilst you should be open and honest, you don't need to share everything nor do you need to answer a question that isn't age appropriate (based on your child)

cakecakecheese · 23/10/2018 12:24

Maybe you could go to some sort of family councelling? Having your marriage end in such a way and seeing your son so upset must be very difficult, having a third party to help you both through this time might be a good idea.

DontCareWasMadeToCare · 23/10/2018 13:23

I'd be careful making it too light though. Your DS may be petrified of making a promise he can't fulfil (she got rid of Dad, am
I next?). I'd be honest and say dad had a relationship with another woman, which you can't do if you're married. It breaks everything if you're married. And it's sad. But we'll get over it together.

DontCareWasMadeToCare · 23/10/2018 13:30

And it's ok for DS to still love his Dad.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 23/10/2018 13:48

Personally I'd be wary about the "dad broke a promise" approach - what if your DS thinks you will send him away if he breaks a promise? And it still doesn't put things into perspective for him when his reference points regarding promises might be things like promising a schoolmate he'll invite him to his party or whatever. He needs to know an age-appropriate version of the truth - that when you marry you don't have romantic relationships with other people but unfortunately that's what dad did.

I absolutely don't believe in disclosing a parent's infidelity if the child doesn't need to know but in this case the poor lad is trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces missing and no picture on the box.

Adora10 · 23/10/2018 14:01

Your husband is some piece of work, he shits all over his marriage and family and then puts you in a position where it's your fault he's had to leave, bet he went off quite happily but then found grass not so green and wanted to slink his way back under the table, even intimating he would tell son he wanted home, Jesus, not real.

So glad you found out exactly what a c u n t he actually is, you both should sit down and explain that you are no longer going to be together as a couple but obviously still his mum and dad and there for him, just like thousands do every week, good luck, I was worried you were going to take him back which would be all shades wrong.

HereForTheLineEyes · 23/10/2018 15:27

I feel for you OP. You sound like a lovely Mum who is trying to do the best for her children. Flowers I'm glad you have enough self-worth to not be a doormat.

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 23/10/2018 18:02

Flowers op. I completely resonate with everything you are saying. I desperately want to wave a magic wand and put my family back together. But I have seen and read too much. Equally I absolutely know he would do it again. So I know I can't and it is heartbreaking.

Luckily [hollow laugh] my cheating h managed to do it again before he had actually moved back in therefore saving the kids from that particular ordeal a second time. But he certainly implied he was moving back to them so I get to be the one that has to let them down on that front.