Single at 35, looking for hopeful stories

[Bettyprim]

Hi ladies,

I am 35, and find myself single again. My partner broke up with at the end of August after three month relationship. We met on Tinder and both came off the app at the end of July, after two months and committed ourselves to each other. We slept together after three weeks. I stayed over four times where nothing happened.

A month after deleting Tinder and he calls it off. He is 38 and has been divorced for 5 years. They were together 12 years, married for seven. His departure came out of the blue, which he acknowledged. He said he just doesn't see us falling in love and he has to listen to his gut. We got on so well, plenty in common. On the days we didn't see each other he would ring and we would talk for upwards of an hour. Often two/three hour long phone calls in the evening.

I'd met his family, he'd met my friends. We saw each other three or four days a week - I would stay at his every weekend for two or three nights. Friday to Monday was the norm. He had a dog, I had a dog (both Jack Russells) and we joked it was a sign linking us together. A happy family. I was very very happy.

When he split up with me, he cried, holding me, saying he just didn't see us falling in love. He said he was very happy with me and could've easily carried on for months longer but he worried a year would pass and he would never be in love with me. He left, and later that evening reconfirmed what he'd said verbally in a text. I did not reply and haven't heard from him since, nor have I contacted him. The very next day my friend saw him on Tinder with a photograph of him that I'd taken. This was five weeks ago now.

I am not hanging on, but I have been struggling with moving on. I can't bring myself to go back on Tinder. He was the first man I'd met in over a year of being single that I actually saw a future with. I was starting to fall in love with him. My last relationship ended March 2017. We'd been together 18 months and he said he just didn't want to get married or have kids ever, so didn't see the point in staying together. Another shock exit. The relationship before then was five years long - we met at work - but just weren't right for each other. Square peg and a round hole.

So here I am again. I feel as wounded from the end of this three-month relationship, as I did the 18-month one.

My worries, which I am stricken with and cry myself to sleep at night, is I will never have children. I'm 36 in August next year.

I just don't know how to meet anyone. Nor do I feel ready. Surely I shouldn't taken this long to get over a 3-month long relationship. Why don't I feel ready?

I met both my exes on Tinder but I feel like no one on there wants a committed relationship. They're happy just dating but don't want anything long-term. I've got two break-ups with proof of that.

I am currently running my own business from home, so I don't meet people. I find it hard to meet people in life. I've started looking for a career change to get a job in London so I can meet people.

My question is did anyone meet their significant other after 35 and how did you meet?

Any advice on my predicament would be amazing. xxxx

I think you need to broaden your search beyond Tinder.

I met my DH when I was 36, divorced with no kids. I saw him on match.com, really liked his profile (no pictures back then, just a description) so I messaged him and pretty much asked him out. We met that weekend.

We're happily married 21 years now, with two great kids, the older just off to uni this fall. He's a lovely husband and great dad. I had the kids at 39 and 41, but I wouldn't recommend waiting that long if you can avoid it.

She who dares wins.

Didn't meet my significant other but did find myself unexpectedly pregnant with DS at 45 after my marriage broke down. I'm a control freak, it was a shock and happened long after I had given up on the possibility of ever having a child. It was a massive curve ball but I couldn't be happier. Things don't always come as you expect or plan for !

I was 36 when I met my husband. 43 now, pregnant with baby number two and I genuinely adore him. I'd been lucky and had a good, interesting life involving a career and lots of travel but somehow hadn't realised men like him existed. We were introduced by people we know who thought we'd get on and honestly, on paper we were so wrong for each other, but we've turned into the happiest couple I know. I didn't expect any such thing at that age.

If I had gone by other people's expectations and opinions I wouldn't have gone near him, so I suggest broadening your horizons about who you think you could fall in love with and, realistically, I think you're going to have to make an effort to get out there in the world and meet actual people rather than relying on things like Tinder. I know that's easier said than done though! Anyway, I just wanted to give you hope that yes, it can be done.

It's good that he was honest and didn't string you along OP, but I understand you must feel upset and confused as you thought things were going well. It does seem a particular problem with Tinder though that people, particularly men, struggle to commit because they always wonder if there is someone better just a swipe away, so they like to keep looking. Perhaps forget Tinder and go for an agency next time or a reputable relationship website.

Having said that, my lovely nephew is your age and ended his relationship with his partner of 17 years a few months ago. No big drama, he felt the relationship had been limping along for a few years - no children, they were not married. He went on Tinder and has met a lovely woman who can't believe her luck. She had just about given up on Tinder after so many bad experiences. She's just what he needs and they have great chemistry, so you never know!

Shorter relationships are much harder to get over since you still have that vision and dream of the future, so don't blame yourself.

One of the biggest turn offs for men is women in their 30s who are desperate for kids. Are you giving this vibe? Are you having an interesting relationship with people? Having fun and excitement and doing things is very important rather than being too serious and future focused. Obviously I don't know you so I am purely guessing and meaning no offence.

Also I feel that your recent relationship had too much too soon, staying over every weekend? meeting 3-4 times a week? Seems too intense. Did you have time for hobbies and friends? What about him?

Met my husband on POF at 38. Son at 41. I still can't believe it all happened!

I met my fiancé at 36, we got engaged at 37 and now I'm 20 weeks pregnant at 38. I never thought I would meet the right guy and was losing faith! So happy now and you'll look back when you meet the right one be on a dating site or a chance meeting and wonder why you was getting so upset. It will happen!! 

OP are you me..?

I am slightly younger than you, but otherwise our stories are identical. Met lovely guy on Tinder at the very beginning of June, got on wonderfully, went off the app, and then it ended at the very beginning of September.

I think he liked me but it didn't "click" for him, while it did for me.

It has been 6 weeks since our last interaction and I still think about him every single day. It is hard to move, but I know it is just a matter of time.

You are not alone 

DH and met when I was 36 and he was 39. We both had joined varioua free dating sites and ended up meeting on Ok Cupid. Been together 6.5 years and married 2 years now

Thank you so much to those that have replied. It has filled me with a lot of hope, which I needed at this difficult time.

AnaViaSalamanca, Yes it perhaps seemed a little intense but I let him lead it. I normally stayed with him Friday to Monday. There were only a few times when I saw him mid-week. Maybe three times during the 3-month relationship did I spend a week night with him. I kept up with my hobbies and he his, but the weekends we dedicated to each other. Also, I would perhaps WFH from his on a week day. Or he would work from home and I'd busy myself from his during the day (take his dog for a walk or something) and then spend the evening with him. But yes, it was generally three nights on the trot. Sometimes four

He is from South Africa and moved here in August 2017, so he doesn't many friends. Just his brother (who he lives with) and his brother's two friends (brother obviously also South African). So when we saw each other there was lots of group events going on - we'd all hang out together. It was one-on-one with him, probably 50% of the time, and then of course when we went to bed!

But the point is, it was just a total shock and I'm still reeling from it. :(

I woke up single on my 35th birthday. By my 36th, I was married. We were introduced by mutual friends. It can happen OP

I'm the male version of you. Age 38, had an intense 5 month-ish relationship with a woman I met off Bumble earlier this year and breaking up with her hit me like a ton of bricks, three months on from her ending it and I'm in therapy trying to get over the breakup.

I don't have much luck with the dating apps either especially in London.

DontCallMeCharlotte, how soon after your 35th birthday did you meet someone? When you say you woke up single, do you mean you were single or had a break-up on that day? I'm sorry if you had to go through that on your birthday :( x

OP I think next time try to put the breaks on, from what you say it feels like it was too much and the excitement wore off and you settled into a routine quickly. But anyway, as they say, "happiness is letting go of what your life is supposed to look like". You will meet someone soon and put this all behind you. Hugs.

I was single on my 35th birthday in January and in a relationship before the end of February. I'm now 37 and we've been married 8 months. I had honestly given up before I met him, so I know how you feel. We met at work and were just friends for a few months before anything happened.

No, I'd been single for the best part of a decade! First date four months after birthday, engaged a month later, married six months after that

My best friend met her husband when she was 39, broke up with him, discovered she was pregnant by him, stayed in touch, got back together, had baby, married - by 42. Now really happy. At 35/36 she hadn't been in a relationship for ages.

I met my now husband at 38 (had our baby at 39, married at 40), at a pub that neither of us ever go to. I’d had months and months of rubbish internet dates after a long term bf broke up with me because he’d ‘tried to love me’ but couldn’t, ouch!! That guy has done you a favour by breaking up with you now rather than later. And you may feel hooked on him now, but the next guy will be even better.

I’d had another disappointing date the night before, then met my love and we both just knew. I’d always thought relationships like that couldn’t be real but it happened to me.

Don’t give up hope, just put yourself out there as much as possible and be positive!!

You shouldn’t have introduced each other to family before you said the L word.

I was single from 30 to 37...one guy I saw for a month when I was 36. I was convinced that I was broken.

I started seriously dating this year and decided not to waste my time and leave if it wasn’t right. There were a few false starts. Then one month ago I met someone and we’ve fallen in love already.

Not quite a success story ...but it is so lovely!!

Single at 34 ( my choice) will be 38 next month and happily married with two dc and step daughter. Met my husband on match and knew he was the one for me . Lost a few friends as they said we moved too fast but I can't do anything about that if they won't be happy for me

I met DH when I was 37, gave birth 2 weeks after my 40th birthday and got married 2 weeks before my 41st. I was happily single. Busy working and going out with friends. I was introduced to DH by work colleague, she is now my SIL. Her brother was single, she thought we would get on and so brought him to works Christmas party. Don't give up hope.

Met DH when I was 34 (and 3/4!) at a friend's wedding. DD1 born exactly three years later, DD2 21 months after that, and our own wedding in the middle of the two, last year.

Met my fiancé online aged 38 just when I was thinking of removing my profile ! had our daughter when I was 40. Getting married in May when I will be 45.

Don't give up, OP! I met my now husband through work at age 35 and we started dating when I was 37. Now been together 10 wonderful years. I always think I had to wait a long time, but he is more than worth it.

I found myself single at 36 after a 10 year relationship, met my DH via OLD at 37, got married at 39 and we now have 3 children so it can happen!! I was convinced it wouldn't.
I am very sorry to hear about your break up, the feeling of rejection when you thought all was well and were thinking of a future together is horrendous but all will be forgotten when you meet someone who actually does want to be with you forever.