Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant on purpose, can a relationship move on?

32 replies

Frogglie · 22/10/2018 09:06

DP and I have been together 5 years. I have 2 dc (10 & 13) and he has 1 (6).

He is from a different part of the country and moved here as the prospects were better.

After a year of being together I stopped taking my pill without telling him. I know this was an awful thing to do, I’ll try to explain my reasoning. I suppose I thought it would bring us together as a family. We had talked about having a child, I was nearing 40 and didn’t want to leave it too long. I’d also had a miscarriage a few months earlier and felt a real sense of loss.

Anyway in hindsight it was a shitty thing to do, at the time I wasn’t thinking very clearly.

DP was pleased and it did bring us closer together, he adores DD and we have since gone on to have one more.

The problem is he wants to move back home to be near his family and other child. My DC are at an outstanding school and have a lot more prospects here, as well as support from my family.

DP says I took total control of his life the moment I got pregnant and if I hadn’t he wouldn’t still be living here (he told me in the past he’d never want to move back) .He says I’ve taken away his choices in life and I have to accept that and that he’s an equal partner and should have a say about where we live...

Can we get past this?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 22/10/2018 09:18

No chance.

Stop trying to justify doing such a shitty thing with such shitty reasoning. You behaved appallingly and it will no doubt do the opposite of what your warped thinking believed it would do. Well done.

You'll almost certainly end up giving your children a part-time father as he'll probably move away regardless. Hell, I fucking would if I discovered you'd pulled that sort of stunt.

Fairylea · 22/10/2018 09:21

When you went on to have the next child was that done with you both agreeing? Or in the same deceptive way?

JessieLemon · 22/10/2018 09:23

You’ve behaved disgustingly. And I see his point. You’ve managed to get your way by completely lying to him and abusing his trust, if you’ve got a chance of making it work it’s your turn to let him call some shots.

But if you’re already arguing about all of this and he knows you lied to get pregnant I suspect your days are numbered as a couple anyway, so if you chose to break up so you can remain where you think is best for the kids and allow him to move to where he is happy, perhaps that’s for the best. He’d certainly be better off without you, though the situation you’ve put the kids in is horrible for a mother to do.

Original poster
Frogglie · 22/10/2018 09:27

The second child was a joint decision, he was keener on the idea than me.

I did suggest he move home by himself but he says he would never leave his DC, doesn’t want to be a weekend dad and wants to be a family.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 22/10/2018 09:27

Interesting other thread you had two weeks ago OP:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3391944-Constantly-anxious-and-guilty-in-this-relationship

SallyWD · 22/10/2018 09:33

I agree that what you did was unacceptable but am slightly shocked at the tone of some of the responses. Are you happy with him? If you all have a great family life I would consider the move. I am a southerner, never wanted to live in the North. I believed all this rubbish about it's "grim up north". My husband got a job offer he couldn't refuse so I grudgingly followed him up north despite the fact we had the perfect life down south. Anyway, it's the best move we've ever made, cheaper houses, lovely people, amazing scenery. Often places you imagine aren't very nice turn out to be lovely. If you're a very happy family unit (despite what happened in the past) I'd go for it.

Original poster
Frogglie · 22/10/2018 09:38

Thanks Sally. I do like his hometown but he moved away because there was no work and the schools weren’t as good so it worries me.

OP posts:
Forgotmycoat · 22/10/2018 09:40

I don't understand what he means by you took control of his life by becoming pregnant? Yes you deceived him with the first pregnancy which is awful on your part, but equally contraception could have failed. Anyone heterosexual who is sexually involved with another person needs to accept the risk of pregnancy no matter how safe the sex.

He is blaming you without taking any of the responsibility for his decisions. The second child was his idea. Has he forgotten?

I do think you all need to move back, his other child needs him and to me that trumps almost everything else in your case ie. Kids settled in good schools.

greendale17 · 22/10/2018 09:43

You owe him. If I was you I would move.

Babdoc · 22/10/2018 09:47

If he has a 6 year old from a previous partner, and you’ve been together 5 years, he presumably deserted his first wife with a one year old baby.
I’d be concerned he’s planning to pull the same behaviour on you, now that you’re also encumbered with babies. Why else this sudden urge to move miles away?

Original poster
Frogglie · 22/10/2018 10:07

My children’s father lives here and they need him too, it’s a complicated situation.

He wants to move to his hometown because he wants his DC to grow up having a more outdoorsy life than they could have here.

My eldest is starting her GCSE’s next year and is doing very well at a very good school. This makes me hesitant to move and possibly not get her in to a good school .

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 22/10/2018 10:21

If the contraception had failed then it’s an accident, neither one of you made a conscious decision so neither one of you took control of the situation.

If course you took control by stopping your pill and not telling him... luckily for you he’s being a responsible father, he could have chosen to walk off and leave you and the child.. personally I think you should move with him. But I get the feeling that you are a selfish person (the pill business sums it up really) and you won’t do it for him because you don’t want to

LemonTT · 22/10/2018 10:32

@Shatnerswig

Thank you for the link. It certainly does add a different perspective. I thought rapidly aging children only appear in soaps.

Forgotmycoat · 22/10/2018 10:32

Situations like this are so awful. There just doesn't seem to be a happy compromise. His child needs him. Your children need their father. All opposite ends of the country. I'm finally beginning to understand why people say it's just too complicated having children with different partners. Sorry I know this doesn't help you op. I think I understand a little how frustrating this must feel for you. Hope you manage to sort it.

IAmGrootGrootGroot · 22/10/2018 10:58

@LemonTT OP was clearly referring to the two younger children they have together in her other post.

HeckyPeck · 22/10/2018 21:12

Regardless of how they came about, you have to do what’s right for your children.

It doesn’t sound like a move would be in their best interests to me.

He either forgives you for what you did or breaks up. He can’t use it as a stick to beat you with when you don’t agree with something he wants to do.

IAmGrootGrootGroot · 22/10/2018 22:31

@Frogglie how did he find out you'd stopped taking the pill? Did you eventually tell him?

He's asking a lot of you. Especially of your older kids, not sure I would've wanted to be dragged away from my school and friends at that age.
Or would they consider living with their dad?
(I wouldn't like that personally but it works for some?)

glitterfarts · 22/10/2018 23:18

You need to do what is best for your 4 kids and that is keeping them stable, in good schools, with friends and a support group around them as they enter exams etc.

I suspect if you move to his home town, he'll dump you and take the younger kids and then your older ones won't see their dad.
At the end of the day , he chose to walk away and leave his oldest child, so hardly parent of the year..

Ellisandra · 22/10/2018 23:27

Wasn’t too bothered about being a weekend dad when he fucked off and left his baby, was he?

What a Prince.

MMmomDD · 23/10/2018 00:48

OP - no man is worth uprooting 4 children for - especially if he puts it like an ultimatum.

Just tell him to go and keep your children in a stable environment, close to people they know.

Rebecca36 · 23/10/2018 00:56

You did wrong Madam? Why? Did you not already have enough children between you? Sound like the relationship was far from perfect anyway. What will you do now - stupid woman.

seahorse85 · 23/10/2018 05:42

This is a very judgemental thread! @Rebecca36 - really?! Name calling? Also people making huge assumptions about the way OP's oartner's previous relationship ended!

OP you know you made a mistake with the first pregnancy- agreed. The second one was, however, agreed between you.

Blended family situations aren't easy. I don't think you should uproot your older children away from their dad and their Gcse year.

Equally, he should be able to make that decision too, it's a difficult one. Good luck!

DownTownAbbey · 23/10/2018 06:59

You'd be mad to move. There is no positive for your oldest 2 and many negatives.

He wasn't too bothered about his eldest for 5/6ths of their life. He moved away and moved in with someone else anchoring him to the new area. I'd be suspicious of his motives. Does he want to end your relationship and make sure his youngest 2 are easily accessible, not caring that he'd uprooted your eldest at a vital stage of their education? I know someone who this happened to and they are still stuck in their ex's town years later.

What a mess. There's no perfect outcome here but don't uproot your children for man.

Notjustanyone · 23/10/2018 08:56

I wouldn't move now when dc are in secondary school. We are tied to the forces so move a lot and when 1 dc starts secondary all moves are off.

MarthasGinYard · 23/10/2018 08:59

I'd feel pretty shitty if I were you too.

And well pissed off if I were him.