Husband kissed another woman

[Hoofprint83]

Advice and thoughts needed please. I'm in turmoil to say the least. He kissed a colleague on a drunken night out. Except that that colleague is on board his ship until January! Distraught.

Did he tell you this happened?

Op, that’s really awful for you. What do you want to do?

Is it Navy? Do you think they only kissed once? And why did he tell you, knowing he wouldn't be home for 3 months??

Merchant navy on board a cruise ship. No he didn't tell me. We used to share my phone for fb and when I logged in to check my messages I was on his by mistake. I don't know what to do we've been together 15 years and married almost 4 and have a little girl. On the messages he was being encouraged to get off with this woman by another crew member who'd said that he didn't want to have to pussy whip him. This is a recent career change that I'm supporting ie only my wage coming in. This is his second placement on board a ship and 8 weeks in he's kissed someone else.

I'm so sorry. That sucks.

Did it definitely happen, or is there a chance it was "just" the colleague encouraging something that might not have happened?

It happened. He admitted it when asked. But I don't know if he's admitting to kissing to hide what really happened. The other messages also asked if he got anywhere with her. The reply was no i slept on the floor - He says of his room. But he now has another 2 months aboard that ship with her and the guy who also encouraged it.

My biggest issue with this would be that he didn't tell you about it. If I felt my husband had made a stupid decision and he came home and told me about it, I could probably get over that. But in your case he tried to hide it, which doesn't make him trustworthy. Does he actually seem sorry about what has happened?

That’s so rubbish OP. It’s bad he didn’t tell you but then maybe he didn’t want you to worry for the rest of the time. Doesn’t sound good that his friends / colleagues are encouraging it. Do they know he has a wife and child at home?? Your DH needs to make clear he is happily married.

I would be worried too but one kiss doesn’t necessarily mean more has happened

Consider your own personal boundaries. For me it would be marriage over.

I've been there OP. Husband kissing attractive female colleague and then telling me about it because he's too honest and felt bad about it. I was angry and hurt. It's a rough ride girl - you can & should vent your anger at him but once you've got it out then you need to start listening and forgiving. If you don't offer the olive branch then he will feel alienated and it's more likely to happen again. I know that many women may say LTB but really would you throw away 15 years for the sake of one lousy drunken kiss? I know I wouldn't.

I with Fanny (I also just really wanted to post that)

It’s one kiss.

I wouldn’t condone it but I wouldn’t necessarily throw the towel in on a marriage over it.

The lengths he went to to hide it are what worries me..He muted my alerts on messenger, he tookhimself off fb completely. We haven't really had an in-depth discussion due to him being away. Signal issues, noisy when he calls. He's already telling me he can't be in touch as much when he's in Asia. He says he would have told me. Suppose what worries me is he wants to make this his career and has cheated on me in the first 8 weeks. If I forgive and he does it Again? But then I probably wouldn't find out a second time...

Your updates are a bit worrying, also the fact he's away with this woman doesn't help matters

Your husband kissed another person because his 'mate' was goading him about it? I'd be worried too, your dh sounds pretty spineless so far.

I wouldnt necessarily throw away the marriage for it however I’d 100% be given him an ultimatum

He either packs this new job in, leaves the ship and comes home to find something else. Or the marriage is over.

he gets off with everything with no repercussions otherwise. You’re at home with your daughter supporting his career change and he thanks you by kissing somebody else?! Nah sorry - that’s why I’d be given him the option

He would never have told you, OP. You said yourself he went to huge lengths to try and hide it.

It is possible he was trying to hide it so he could tell you himself when he got home but the lessening of contact does not promising.

I agree you tell him to get his ass joke now or not to bother!

get his ass home*

I would say the same as Fanny, BUT he hasn't come clean to you through guilt, he has gone to some lengths to hide his behaviour. It's also clear that he has succumbed very quickly to the ship-board culture of easy sex.

I'd be taking the opportunity to carefully think through my options and be setting my affairs in order in case of separation/divorce.

It doesnt look good really. This is going to be his career and 8 weeks in he's cheating.

I suspect now you know he probably won't do anything further, but it's a matter of trust eroded.

Every time you he goes away you'll be wondering if he's cheating. I'd feel really unsafe on the marriage and would possibly need to reassess the nature of it going forwards, if I was staying with him.

I'd be letting him know you're unsure if you can continue supporting his new career and that you feel the continuation of your marriage has seriously been put at risk because of his choice to get close to another woman.

By saying that...you aren't threatening to leave. You aren't giving an ultimatum...you're making him away of how you feel in light of his actions and he'll know that in your mind ending the marriage is not impossible.

You're in a strong position to make demands for how you want things to be going forwards. How long is he around for in January? Could you book some marriage counselling for then?

One of the things about this..mis the cheater doesn't really get how it is for you.

For him to get a little sense of your pain...send him this link

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=2

Just reading a few of those threads will give him an insight.

Thank you everyone! The support and advice you've given has given me plenty to think of. If I gave him the ultimatum I know hed choose the career. He did eventually call....I did express I was uncertain how I felt and needed him to contact me more. That said indent him a messenger at 2.30 last night that I know he's seen and have had no response....he'll blame signal/work/convenient emergency training. It's the silence and not knowing/ not being able to talk things through properly face to face that is mentally draining.

Why are you putting up with this? He's cheated on you, doesn't seem to care and is now treating you like shit by ignoring your messages.. Seriously? Nothing short of quitting and coming home straight away and begging forgiveness would be good enough for me. You are letting yourself down op.

The fact you say he would choose his career over you especially when he is the one who put that in jeopardy would have me leaving there and then Why stay with someone who you feel would pick that over you? You deserve better and he is probably at it the whole time, I know that's not what you want to hear but he is probably living as a single guy on board the ship

His explanation doesn't make sense. Why would he sleep on the floor of his own room if alone? Why would he mention where in his room he slept?

I don't see how a breach of trust is recoverable with so much distance

It sounds awful and hopeless. He would choose his new job (where colleagues goad each other to cheat) over his family, he lies, he kisses another woman (and was it just a kiss??). How do you live with that! He wants to live the single life. Plus, he knows you're upset and he's not messaging you. And the "I won't be able to be in touch much in Asia due to the coverage" is bull too. How can you move on/get over something negative in a relationship if only one side is trying??