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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband kissed another woman

42 replies

Hoofprint83 · 22/10/2018 04:07

Advice and thoughts needed please. I'm in turmoil to say the least. He kissed a colleague on a drunken night out. Except that that colleague is on board his ship until January! Distraught.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoofprint83 · 22/10/2018 20:35

Thank you. Me too. Going to be brave and see where I truly stand....home or end of relationship- he's left me with no other choice. I do feel that what he's done is a huge breach of trust, a massive slap in the face on several levels. He's lucky I'm going to offer that chance at all. Thank goodness someone else thought the bedroom floor comment was dodgy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoofprint83 · 22/10/2018 20:38

Thank you Honeyroar! I thought it was all baloney...so many excuses. I keep asking him how hed feel of I'd done it....No response. As soon as the questions get difficult he stops replying. And I know he's there and I can see when he gets the messages!!!

OP posts:
Kennycalmit · 22/10/2018 21:36

His silence is probably louder than any words he could actually say right now, OP.

You and your daughter deserve better. I’d give him the ultimatum. If he chooses the career simply say “okay, I’ll leave your belongings at your parents and we will arrange contact with dd once your home” and leave it there.

scotgal2017 · 22/10/2018 23:07

Not quite the same circumstances but my stbxh worked total away. I trusted him for many years. 14 years married he was away and decided to tell me that he visits strip clubs and lspdancing places. It took a lot to recover from just that bombshell so I can imagine what you must be feeling about a kiss. We worked on it, he said he wouldn't go again but 2 years later low and behold. ....I never fully trusted him again after that and he left a year later. For me if the trust has gone there's no getting it back and u was always wondering what he was up to when away. Hope you manage to sort it out either way.

PreseaCombatir · 22/10/2018 23:11

I wouldn’t even give him an ultimatum, I’d just fuck him off. Your doing it on your own anyway by the sounds of it... one less thing to worry about.
Flowers

Notjustanyone · 23/10/2018 08:27

As someone who is tied to the forces and sees this kind of shit all the time I would be starting divorce proceedings now.
You mark my words he will do it again but next time you won't know and it will be more than a kiss.
Sorry op.

subspace · 23/10/2018 09:46

I don't think he can physically just leave the ship and come home, can he? It would certainly be the end of his career but I'm not even sure if there would be even harsher punishments like jail for leaving a military ship before being given permission to do so.

If it were me I'd quietly pack his stuff up at home and throw him out when he arrived back.

Honeyroar · 23/10/2018 13:29

If you want to continue with him, if he does have any positives, I'd give him an ultimatum- he either starts replying to messages and making a lot more effort to mend these issues and make you feel better or you start divorce proceedings. Let him fund his own life and pay for his children etc. Personally I'd be sending him a solicitor's letter now, he's messed you around and treated you with no respect for a while. For me when the trust goes it's over. I doubt he will change, I'd think he'd get worse.

I agree that he won't be able to just drop everything and come home. That's the nature of that kind of career.. However he could be trying harder to make you feel happy and loved. Much harder.

Original poster
Hoofprint83 · 23/10/2018 21:07

It's merchant navy not the military so it's a cruise ship and he's a cadet training so yes he can quit his course if he really wanted. He has agreed to ask for emergency leave and since the ship is in dry dock he may just get it. But this is by no means me taking him back but more so we can have open and honest (maybe) face to face discussions. Not sure how it'll turn out or if he'll be granted it or what I'll do if he can't get it....If we didn't have a daughter there would have been no doubt as to what id do. He is now replying quicker and I think he's got the message that the marriage is on the line over this! Thanks everyone for all your support and advice. This may well end in divorce.

OP posts:
Glossymare · 23/10/2018 21:09

Welcome to the military life. They all do it.

Gemini69 · 23/10/2018 21:17

Cruiseships have the best communications on board their vessels.. the vessel also has it's own Wi-Fi... the Ship depends on its communications ...Comms is not a problem in sea area 1 2 or 3.. 4 maybe.. but he's not in sea area 4... He will have to attend Cocktail Parties and may host a table in the Ships restaurant.. he will be expected to entertain passengers and be visible on passenger decks... he will also be working shifts.. and will be involved in weekly Crew Drills.. he will also have to maintain a level of study and learning whilst on board to keep his Cadet ship.. it is unlikely they will let him come home unless it is very serious... particularly as he has just joined the vessel..

life on board Ships is accelerated in super fast speed.. you life eat sleep work and socialise with these people 24/7 in a confined environment.. one week will feel like one month... it's not like any other life.. he will feel a loyalty to these people ..

Gemini69 · 23/10/2018 21:19

Sorry.. it's like the Military life... Flowers

Original poster
Hoofprint83 · 28/10/2018 00:47

Ok so I'm trying not to make a rash decision and possibly throw 15 years together away for what I think was just a kiss. But my husband's lack of communication is still an issue plus I think he should be bending over backwards to have me back and he isn't doing this. It feels like he's doing what e thinks he should to appease he situation but in reality something else is going on....not necessarily an affair. He hasn't said he loves me or puts any kisses at the end of messages - neither have I but then I've been cheated on. We had a face to face video call....which was awkward and although I felt at the time reassured by this and that he was upset I remember thinking at the time why does he appear to be smirking and he just doesn't seem to want to fight for me at all. When challenged on this he simply said he wanted the opportunity to try to fight for me. The person I'm talking to and messaging- has changed beyond any recognition that he's my husband. It's my little girl i feel for. Hed only sent her 3 videos in 8 weeks and we've had this issue lingering for a week and he still hasn't sent her any more videos.....on the other hand she asks if daddy has sent her hugs every day and night! Getting more and more passed off right now....But then is that his point so that I can be the and person who initiates the divorce? So messed up right now. :(

OP posts:
EveryCarIsAPplCarrier · 28/10/2018 00:59

I am honestly never one to say LTB, I always feel like discussion is key in any situation, but you’ve tried that. He sounds like an absolute arse. Is it mid life crisis or something?

Either way, if you honestly feel that he would choose a career over the life he has with you and your DD then I’d fuck him off, sorry op! Xxxxx

Obviouslynotobvious · 28/10/2018 01:01

A previous partner had a drunk ONS away with work. Flew home to tell me the next day. Was distraught. Took full responsibility.

Anything less than all of the above speaks volumes to me.

You can't trust your DH because he lied AFTER cheating.

janaus · 28/10/2018 01:22

You know he will be more careful with his messages from now on.

beenwhereyouare · 12/03/2019 22:11

Hoofprint83
I've really been concerned for you and your daughter. Are you okay? What happened?

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