Feel so foolish, old and feeble

[ReginaPhalangee]

So, after an 18 year relationship and an 11 year marriage with two wonderful DCs I called time on it due to a variety of reasons. XH was not nice to me and made me feel very low and depressed. So as not to drip feed, I have had a succession of awful relationships since the word go which have simply made me feel unimportant and worthless. I was date raped at the age of 19. Back to the issue. Shortly after I left my husband (3 years ago now) I struck up a friendship with a man who is 11 years younger than me, during which time we took on a physical challenge together and did a lot of fundraising. We spent a huge amount of time together. There was an amazing connection from the start. Of course, one thing eventually led to another and we slept together. However. He has never wanted to take it to the next level, despite his feelings for me. I feel this is mainly due to me having two children and being older, and potentially his mum disapproving. I am totally in love with him. Over the last 3 years he's continued to sleep with me at various points despite getting into new relationships, all of which he has hidden from me on purpose. To make things worse, we now run a company together, so I have no reprieve of escaping this absolute crap. Today he's uploaded a photo of him and his girlfriend (who he completely hid from me until just after the last time we had sex) as his new FB profile picture. I know deep down what you are all going to say to me, but I guess I need to bloody hear it as my self esteem is on the floor. Please help me gain some self esteem and move on.

I’ve been there when you know the feelings will never be reciprocated..... try your best to remove him from your life as much as possible (hard I know!) but even in FB you can unfollow so you remain friends but his posts never pop up.
I’d also seriously look into how you either split or leave the business.

That’s messy isn’t it. I would call a halt to th business too. You can’t work with him if you have feelings for him. It also sounds as if he could pick you up when he wants you and then drop you again and again.

You know the answer already and you deserve to be treated better than this. I imagine that your self esteem will improve when you realise that you are worth far more than this man is giving you. Hold your head high and move on. You can do it

Thanks both. Yes I know this is probably the right thing to do regarding the business. It's hard because it was always my dream, but I left my marriage for a happier life and I'm not living it.

In the summer I had a pregnancy scare whilst he was on holiday with the GF who I had known nothing about.

Woman that's exactly what he's done from the word go.

Thank you Dragon

You can't have a business with someone who is so untrustworthy. Working on your self esteem is a great idea. Next time you get into a relationship don't agree to anything but a full, committed one rather than casual.

Also you have no idea that his rejection of you was because of your age or something. You just assume that because the society tells you. My good friend was recently dumped by a very short bald man ten years older, and she looks like a model. Most of us at some point have been lied to and been dumped. Make your life from tomorrow so good that this becomes a distant memory.

Hard to know what to do to make a positive start and move on. Any ideas? I've not slept and I feel awful.

In the sweetest way possible, (I have had a succession of awful relationships since the word go) Book yourself some counselling so you can rebuild your self-esteem & work out why you keep choosing these types. I had to do the same myself & it's transformed my life now.

Better self esteem will not only help you stop choosing these low-lifes, it'll also give you stronger ownership & self belief to not get knocked back so badly when you do meet a twat.

I was going to write similar to what Bongalong has posted. I think counselling is a must do now, you have had awful relationships for a reason and part of that may have come about from what you saw in childhood. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

It is also possible to extricate yourself from this joint business enterprise as well; you do not have to remain within it.

Thanks for these ideas. I've just emailed a local counselling service and am going to self refer. I've done a lot of thinking previously about why I continue to fall so hard for the wrong people. My childhood was lovely and my parents have been happily married for 45 years but I went to an awful secondary school where I was bullied, had very few friends and made to feel pretty worthless for 5 years. (I wasn't the only one - the friends I still have from those days had the same kind of experience as I did.) I think this is where my self esteem issues probably stem from. I have been ridiculously grateful for the smallest snippet of interest from any man I am attracted to and have happily lapped up the tiniest bits of affection. In short, I'm very hurt that this person who I am in business with has watched my marriage break up and pretended to offer support whilst actually creating an even bigger issue of hurt and deception. He has treated me like a guilty secret and I have allowed this to happen. After the horrendous summer with the pregnancy scare he came round to see me and he cried as he felt so awful for hurting me. I ended up comforting him FFS rather than growing a backbone and telling him, once and for all, that I won't put up with it any longer. I am going to think long and hard about how I can continue to be around him with the company as currently I don't feel I ever want to look at him or speak to him again.

You write that He has never wanted to take it to the next level, despite his feelings for me - so you evidently still think he loves you.

If this was a story about him using you for his own benefit all along, how would that story go?

He wouldn't cope with the fallout from his family about being with a divorced woman with two kids. That's what it boils down to. But yeah I can see that he has used me for his own benefit and continues to do so. Time for some big decisions - I can't live like this any more. Thanks for your input, much appreciated.

Counselling is a great start.
I also thing the Freedom Programme might do you some good.
It really depends on your previous relationships and how abusive they were.
But please just block him on facebook.
If you have no business reason then there's nothing stopping you from doing that.
You will never move forward while you keep looking backwards.
So onwards and upwards with the dating!

I'll look into that. I've seen it discussed on here a few times and maybe it is the way forward for me. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to reply and help me work this all out.

I think your first thing to look at is how you extricate yourself from the joint business venture. There's no reason it should be you giving up your dream, unless it's all in his name (please say it isn't).

If you can do it on your own, it might be worth buying him out or whatever. (You have leverage, I'm assuming, in that he wants to keep the relationship quiet. Not that I'm promoting that as an option per se, but you're not powerless here.) Look at your options for the business with advice from a lawyer if possible.

And get him out of your life.

My section of the business is in my name and I am sole shareholder. Either I could buy him out or I could sell it to him but he would be clueless as to what to do with the bit I run. Don't want to say more than that as it's a specialised company and could out me if I give too much info.

Should I tell him what I'm doing, or just get on and do it?

Well, he didn't give you the courtesy of telling you he is with someone else... Also, I feel like you talking to him will just get you tied up in knots again and you'll end up hanging on a bit longer. I think limiting contact, keeping what contact you do have professional & practical, and getting wheels in motion are probably your best ways forward.

Great advice from you all. Thank you. This thread has helped me clarify some hard to take truths. Writing it all down is hugely important for me and is giving me strength. When I split with ExH, OM was very much there to support me (friendship capacity only) and one thing eventually led to another. I realise now that the last 2 and a half years have been made even harder by his reticence to acknowledge me as anything other than a guilty secret. After every time we had sex he would go cold for a period of time which confused and upset me. The last time we slept together was the end of July and I think this was about 6 months into his new relationship. That's when he told me 'I'm meant to be seeing someone' (straight after the sex, nice touch) and three weeks later he flew to the other side of the world with her for a romantic holiday. He didn't tell me about this either. I have concluded he's a bit fucked up... it's managed to royally fuck me up too. I contacted a local counsellor and I am having an initial assessment shortly. I'm also going to think of some ways I can put into place where I don't need to see him and can limit my contact as much as possible. I think unfollowing his social media is a good plan and I intend to do that today. I'm angry that he has got away with this and is now flaunting his new relationship whilst I sit here with my confidence and self esteem in tatters. It's not fair.

bless you OP I feel for you. Big hugs

This man has cheated on all his girlfriends with you and clearly sees you as a Friend With Benefits. It sucks, but tbh I think you’ve had a lucky escape. If you were his gf he’d probably cheat on you too.

Work related text message this morning. I gave a one word answer. I ordinarily would be chatty and friendly and put a 'x' on the end but I can't engage any further than this now.

I had that once - a few years older than him, with 2 DC, and not wanting any more. He was a bit concerned about the age gap, didn't want to bring up another man's DC, and did want some of his own. Obviously i was totally unsuitable. He moved on. I didn't mind.