Hi everyone, first time poster, and this gets a bit confusing so please bear with me!
I've been loitering for a while on the divorce discussions and it's been but really helpful.
I'm in the process of getting divorced from a complete EA Narc after a long marriage, I already have had Decree Nisi for over a year now and now having to go through protracted court case before absolute, as I said its all been fun... but that's a whole other story, there's something else I'm now a bit stumped with...
Anyway... we at least got as far as separating and I moved out into my own house after having to live under the same roof separated for 8 months. Egged on by the girls I worked with I was encouraged to go online and start dating which I wasn't sure I was entirely ready for but lo and behold... a month after I moved out I met someone and started dating with no expectations, a bit of getting it out of my system type of thing, problem is he turned out to be really lovely.
We find ourselves still together after over a year now, and have had a fun year getting to know each other and remembering what life's supposed to be about, its been great.
Before he met me He'd been married and divorced for 6 years with two kids aged 12 and 15, his ex wife also appears to be a complete Narc, leaving him for someone that they employed at the company they had together, getting pregnant by him and then, running what had been their joint company to bankruptcy...he lost everything.
He then started a relationship with someone else who had two kids of their own of a similar age to his, and they lived together him having joint custody of his kids. As the kids started getting closer to his then partner, his ex wife (who's partner had now turned physically abusive with her and my boyfriend's kids) and by whom she now had two other kids by, created a pack of lies and went back to court for a revision of custody, leaving him with just alternate weekend contact with to his kids, but leaving them living with her and her abusive new partner!
She then proceeded to alienate both kids, so they both stopped seeing my boyfriend altogether, the younger of the two eventually decided he wanted to see his Dad again and does although she does everything in her power to stop it and mess up contact time. The older of the two hasn't properly seen his Dad for nearly three years (she says its his choice, but there has been no reason why he shouldn't see his Dad and he appears to be being coerced) apart from at sport sessions that his Dad makes sure he goes to to support BOTH his sons and show he's still there.
Anyway the other relationship he had broke up after 5 years last year, around 8 months before he met me (they never married, just lived together, I suspect the ex's behaviour had a lot to do with it)
Anyway the crux of it is... The boyfriends ex wife has now split with the abusive partner she left my boyfriend for, leaving her with four kids on her own, whom she's very possessive of, my boyfriend's two older kids and two younger ones 6&5 from the abusive ex partner.
She has now started my boyfriend by getting his kids to text him asking for more money (she gets child maintenance from him already) and getting them to say things like if he doesn't pay it he's not a real Dad. He's noticed the younger kid that he does see, has been quiet and more off-hand with him as she is clearly also now trying to alienate him from his Dad too. He's trying his hardest to keep contact at all costs this last few weeks, often to the detriment of our time together which I completely understand, although its been tough.
I haven't met his kids at all yet, he's been terrified that if I do (and chances are he thinks they'd like me - I'm not intending being a replacement mother or rocking her boat by any means) she'll increase the pressure and break the remaining contact he has with his kids.
Obviously he doesn't want to risk that, but he's now massively torn and contemplating breaking up with me as he feels guilty and says he can't keep me in limbo not meeting his kids for the next few years until they are old enough to make their own decisions re: seeing him, which without her influence I think they would. But obviously we can't risk him losing contact either. He says he can't imagine me not being in his life but is just paralysed not knowing what to do.
I'm prepared to bide my time for a while at least, and haven't pressured him other than saying I'd love one day to meet his kids and be part of their and his lives one day rather than being having to be kept separate, which is true.
He's gone off into his 'Man cave' for a bit of headspace and I'm left wondering what the hell to do and how the hell to deal with this, it just feels like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? how do you deal with a relationship with someone who's ex is hell bent on alienating her kids from him with no justification. Do we just go for it an hope to be able to deal with the fall out? or do I have to forever stay the 'secret' girlfriend?