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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband keeps look at pictures of his ex girlfriend who he dated when we separated, should I be worried he is still in love with her?

59 replies

Evelynjean · 21/10/2018 16:13

My husband and I separated a couple of years ago for around a year, he began dating a younger woman who he was obsessed with. After a year of separation we reconciled as we wanted to give it another shot for the sake of our children and have moved two hours away from his ex girlfriend.
I thought we were happy as we have had a great few weekends together recently and he takes photos of us and posts them on social media as if he wants to show us happiness and proclaiming his love for me.
However over the past 4 months I have caught him regularly gazing at pictures on Instagram of his ex girlfriend (he doesn’t know I’ve seen him doing it).
I am worried he is still in love with her as he hasn’t seen her in over a year and I would have thought given it’s been a while since he has seen her he would be able to put her out of his mind? Sure after a year of not seeing someone you would gradually forget about them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Evelynjean · 21/10/2018 17:48

Our son was unwell at the time and needed surgery, it all kind of happened at once.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 21/10/2018 17:51

The fact you say it’s ‘regularly’ is not very promising.

Can you do any snooping to see if he has been in contact with her?

I think you need to mention it to see where you stand, else you will be forever wondering.

Hoping for your sakes it’s totally innocent.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/10/2018 17:55

Even though he posts photos of us saying how much he loves me?

That hints a bit of "he doth protest too much".

Presumably he didn't do this before? So it's unlikely to be a massive personality change - which leads you to wonder what the motivator is.

That said; if you're certain they aren't in contact, then he may well have given up the person he loves to make this work for you - which may suggest that he's doing everything he can.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2018 17:59

Also op if he dumped her, why would he be trying to make her jealous? People only do that when they have been dumped. Otherwise he'd have to a be a prize prick really.

Original poster
Evelynjean · 21/10/2018 18:00

Looking back on the past year or so I think he has been doing his best to do the best for us and our children but I’m in my early 40’s and he is in his mid to late 30’s I just wonder how much longevity really is in our relationship he is truly deeply in love with someone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Evelynjean · 21/10/2018 18:01

I think they only broke up because I was making it very difficult for him at the time which I admit was wrong but I was hurt and jealous of him being in love with someone else.

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Holdingonbarely · 21/10/2018 18:04

I think you really need a proper honest talk. And I would preface it by saying you want it to be honest regardless of if what is honest might hurt you. Without that there will always be doubt and you’ll never be able to move on.
It would be best to do this in counselling, otherwise it will always be the elephant in the room.
But he has to really be honest about his feelings too. As do you

Littlechocola · 21/10/2018 18:06

Posting photos on social media and saying how much he loves you is the modern day ‘he got my name tattooed on his neck/arm/face’.

It means nothing.

Honeyroar · 21/10/2018 18:24

It does sound as though he didn't finish it with her because he wanted to, but because it was too difficult for him to stay (he sounds like he's taken the easiest option, not necessarily the one he most wanted). You sound, deep down, like you know he didn't really want to come back and is only putting on a facade. It's not a healthy way to live, it will eat at you. He may not even be able to get her back, she might not let him, but he's not the devoted husband you deserve.. If he could be honest, it would bgood to have a frank discussion with him, but it doesn't sound like he would be honest.

Original poster
Evelynjean · 21/10/2018 18:28

Thank you, I think you have summed it up for me.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/10/2018 18:35

It is very, very common, OP, for people who are insecure/hiding something in their relationship to gush endlessly about their partners. It is a defence against the truth.

Original poster
Evelynjean · 21/10/2018 22:55

I contacted her asking her if they had been in contact and voiced my concerns.
She replied saying that he had not contacted her but she can see that he looks at her Instagram daily (something to do with Instagram stories, you post pictures/videos and you can see who views it) and she told me he once looked at her 4 times in one morning. She also said that he had seemed to accidentally ‘like’ and old photo of her a few weeks ago and then ‘unliked it’ meaning he was trailing through all her old photos before he had even met her! I don’t know what to think? But I guess it’s a good think he hasn’t messaged her? Although he seems to not be able to very long without checking up on her. 😢

OP posts:
Holdingonbarely · 21/10/2018 23:01

How on earth does she know this? You can’t see if someone’s looked at your Instagram
Anyway. It’s not good anyway you look at it.
Very strange you ask her and don’t just talk to him

Holdingonbarely · 21/10/2018 23:02

Oh I see Instagram stories. Well Jesus. He’s spending a lot of time on this

Original poster
Evelynjean · 21/10/2018 23:05

Hes working and felt as though I should confront her in case she was the one insinuating it?

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OrigamiZoo · 21/10/2018 23:07

i am sorry OP, you are his second best, you have the right to have a life lived with love and honesty.

Issy777 · 21/10/2018 23:08

Sounds a bit similar to my dp
We split up for a year n a bit n he met a girl who he fell he'd over heels with
I knew it was genuine as he always told me he was with women just for sex but with this one he talked about her like she was a goddess
Also, he generally likes women with big boobs he's a boob man and non stop goes on about big boobs
And this particular woman was very flat chested which he also told me so it shows to me he really really liked her

Anyway we're back together now but I found as time as gone on (it's been 3 years since he was seeing her) he's forgotten about her n doesn't see. To mention her like he used to
Although in saying that, she was the one who "finished" him they were just seeing each other for a month n she told me she didn't want anything serious so I do sometimes wonder if she didn't finish him would we still be together now? Would we have got back together? It hurts so much as I met other men when we were apart but it was HIM I ultimately wanted

I think it's sad as I just feel second best probably like how u r feeling
Can I ask how they finished? And did she ever contact him?

Holdingonbarely · 21/10/2018 23:11

So you’ve spoken to him about this.?

SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 23:16

I'd have a talk with him. Tell him he seems distracted like his mind is elsewhere and you'd really like him to be honest with you. If his heart isn't with you, he needs to tell you the truth.

Best to know now (at your age) when you move on easi er, than in 5/10 years.

Original poster
Evelynjean · 21/10/2018 23:17

He essentially ended it, but I know she told that if he thought there was any chance he thought he could make things work with me for th me sake of our children then he should give it a second chance and he basically listened to her. As I’ve said I wasn’t the greatest most understanding ex wife and did make it quite difficult for him looking back. I know I was quite manipulative and it’s hard for me to admit.

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Robin2323 · 22/10/2018 06:04

You seem quite self aware
Maybe the whole experience has helped you both realise things.
I don't think you are second best.
Like someone said pp if he'd loved her all that much he would have been with her.
He's with you cos he wants to be.
Men tend to do what they "want" to do.
You may have gathered that from reading Mumsnet

He's with you because he wants to be.
Keep working on your relationship.
Keep it cosy and the home fires burning.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 22/10/2018 07:18

So basically you were a bitch to him when he moved on and made things difficult.
He got back with you because of the situation and your child.
He loves/loved hers He looks up her pictures, scrolling through them all. Checks her stories every day.

Sounds like he’s back with you out of obligation rather then love, why would you do that? Find someone that really loves you.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 22/10/2018 07:22

He loves/loved her. He looks up her pictures, scrolling through them all.

greyspottedgoose · 22/10/2018 07:23

It's very easy for people to just in here and say he obviously misses her and has no respect for you.

Iv looked at my ex partners social media, out of curiosity and I'm generally a nosy person. It has nothing to do with how much I love my husband. It's human nature 🤷🏻‍♀️

AllViewsMyOwn · 22/10/2018 07:28

Just a note on the Instagram stories, yes you can see who looks at them but they come up at the top of your feed, looking at one doesn't mean that you have sought out that person's Instagram. I look at people's who I haven't see in years and years.

And I am 99% sure you cannot tell how many times someone has looked at them. So I reckon that's a load of rubbish.

However him looking at pictures of her often doesn't sound great and you probably need to talk to him about that.