Telling ex you’re pregnant!

[ThePeachPit]

I had posted this on my other thread, but thought I might be better on its own as it’s a different question from original.

My parents know and bfs parents do. But we’ve agreed as have they, not to tell anyone else until we’ve had time to get used to things ourself.
I’m not sure what to do about my ex though. Dds too young really to tell her much so we’re waiting to tell her nearer the time and for now just let her slowly get used to bf being around a bit more. But at some point I’m going to start looking pregnant. I didn’t show for ages with dd, but my clothes already feel a bit tighter this time.
I don’t want him to just find out from mutual friends or from noticing, that doesn’t seem fair when it effects his child. Equally I’m no where near ready to be dealing with him about this yet.
Just wondered if anyone had any experience of telling a ex and when seems the right/fair time. Plus how on earth do I actually do it!

I’m 14 weeks at the moment, thinking of telling most other people after the next scan so 20 weeks (ish). I’m just stressing myself about if I should wait that long to speak to my ex or not. My bfs says it’s up to me, but he doesn’t see any need to rush to tell my ex. I don’t want to keep going over it with my bf, it’s akward he’s wanting to feel excited about our own baby and all I’m thinking about is my ex.

I know I’m probably just focusing on this because I’m stressed with the whole thing in general. But I feel like I can’t relax and feel excited until I’ve ticked off all the things I’ve to deal with first and the ex is feeling like the biggest thing on that list right now.

Me and ex have a dd together! Not sure that’s in there, it was on my other thread. Obviously that’s the reason for needing to tell him. Not because I particularly want to, it does/will effect our dd though and I’d want to know if she was going to have a half sibling on his side.

I have 2 dds with my ex, he ha a baby that’s now 18 months old and I found out from my dds! I now have a 4 week old and I didn’t tell my ex, didn’t feel the need as he didn’t tell me!

I'd phrase it like that. Our daughter is going to have a sibling.

Dont be careful of his feeelings cos that will come across as patronising, so as a the father of a daughter who will have a new sibling that is why it is relevant to tell him. Also tell him before some eagle eyed gimlet eyed neighbour says to him ''ooh your dd is going to have company next year?''

Are your dds older Matilda? I don’t want it to be like that. I’d hope he’d tell me if it was the other way and I think for dds benefit it’s better he knows and hears it from me.

That’s a good phrase to use Linked0ut thank you!
I’m struggling with when, I think before our friends and even aunts, uncles etc. Because I don’t want him to hear it from someone else. So I’m leaning to telling him like now, but I’m not sure my bfs keen on that. More because he’ll probably be horrible about it and he knows I’m a tad emotional at the moment.

You're worried and stressed about it which is never good for yourself or baby. In situations like this I deal with them as soon as the stress starts. So either tell the ex now or decide when you are doing it, mark it on the calendar and forget about it until then.

Personally I'd get it out the way now.

why is this such a big deal? sorry i didnt see your other thread?

I'd wait til around 6 months tbh.

Then "I wanted to tell you rather than hearing from randoms, I'm pregnant so little XX will have a sibling soon."

If you had trouble TTC then definitely don't use any exclamation marks or emojis.

Just the speed of it GreenLantern. It’s not a planned baby, so bfs not living with me yet. So everything’s moving quicker than I’d plan and I think my ex will struggle with that, which I do get.
He’s also convinced that there was a overlap of our relationship ending and my new one beginning. Which is absolutely not true, but it’s made my bf being around dd more difficult.

I think my 6 months he might be able to tell already NotTheFordType. I see him at drop off and pick ups and I was late showing with dd and not very big, but I’m quite slim and by 6 months with her I definitely had a bump.

How close was the gap between the end and new man?

A few months @SandyY2K. We knew each other though so my ex is suspicious, although we hadn’t seen each other for a few years before meeting up again and that was after I’d left my ex.

I’m most definitely not the cheating party though. Think my ex forgets that or he thinks if my bf hasn’t come along I’d have forgiven him, again!

It adds to it being difficult though. Me and ex generally get on ok with co-parenting. But he has a tendency to be difficult, especially where bf is concerned. I do have a tendency to let things go for dds sake, but I know I’m going to have to get a bit firmer. He’ll kick up a fuss and no doubt stop seeing dd or stop paying money or something to make me ‘pay’. Then he’ll calm down and apologise, I think I’d just rather get it out of the way sooner rather than later!

I’m most definitely not the cheating party though. Think my ex forgets that or he thinks if my bf hasn’t come along I’d have forgiven him, again!

Your Ex cheated? More than once?

Yes SandyY2K. Although I didn’t know about the more than once till we spilt. I’d forgiven his crappy behaviour though.
It’s not really the issue though, we weren’t right for each other. We tried for dd and it didn’t work, I don’t feel bitter.
Now he can sleep with who ever he wants he regrets it of course!

He dropped dd off earlier and he was asking if I was ok. I got myself all flustered and ended up making a excuse for him to go. So I think I’m better just doing it.
Was thinking of texting this: I want you to hear it from me first that I’m pregnant, so dd will be a big sister soon. I will of course speak to you before I tell dd anything about the baby and before I make any changes to the current living arrangement.

What do you think? I feel it sounds formal but I don’t want to be too friendly, like I’m expecting him to be happy for me or anything. I think his biggest concern will be bf moving in, so wanted to make sure he’d know I’d still talk about that with him beforehand. Or am I better leaving that part out and just seeing if he asks about it?
It’s ok to text isn’t?

I honestly think you're making much too big a deal of it. There's really no need other than just hi I'm expecting another baby.

I have a 5yo ds with ex. We told Ds about baby at 11 weeks after a private scan but then got bad news at 12 week scan so told nobody else for a bit.

Ex messaged to say are a congratulations in order? Ds tells me he's getting a baby soon?
I explained that yes I was pregnant but we had had some complications so weren't talking about it just yet. That's all it took .

How long have you been split

Around 18 months justwantcheese. Were you living with your partner already? My ex had a melt down at us having a weekend away together with dd. The thought of us living together and having our own child, I don’t think he’s going to be congratulating us, let’s put it that way.

I just want to try minimise the fall out.

Well I bit the bullet and text him. We go away Thursday so I thought it best to get it out of the way. Plus I now won’t be seeing ex for a while so that’s good.

He’s not happy and I’ve been called some not very nice things. He’s got some genuine concerns and I’m trying to think how I’d feel the other way round. But most of what he’s saying is just ridiculous.

And he now wants dd 50/50, which he won’t do in a million years. He must think I’m stupid sometimes.

I don’t feel bad or guilty though. I’ve been stressing because I knew he’d say everything I’ve been worrying myself about for weeks.
But I don’t know why, but it’s had the opposite affect and I just feel more sure I’ve made the right decision. So I’m glad I’ve done it, even if I do have to put up with him being a idiot for a while now.

He’s throwing his toys out the pram. Save all the nasty messages.

Reply back and tell him you will not be communicating with him unless it’s regarding your daughter and arranging him seeing her. Your pregnancy and baby has absolutely nothing to do with him

It’s 2018 fgs plenty families mix together and lots of children have sisters/brothers from another dad/mum.

I don’t understand his “genuine concerns” either he obviously isn’t that concerned if he’s verbally abusing the mother of his child! As long as your daughter is safe and happy his “concerns” mean nothing.

Once you’ve told other people you can’t really ask them to keep it a secret. Just send him a text saying, “DD is going to be a sister. I’m having a baby. All well. We’re both thrilled”.

Sorry - jumped the gun there. Sorry he’s being a dick about it.