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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it abuse? Should I stay or go

28 replies

Butilovehim1 · 21/10/2018 07:40

OK ling story short I have two beautiful children with my partner of 9 years. We've had a few ups and downs over the past few years due to insecurity and I did cheat on my partner their had been times in the past more than a few where he has done things to me in such as bruising me from kicking me holding me down etc but I won't go into that as I put that down to being unfaithful. I've moved out and come back a few times. I last came back in May and things have been great. Until.. He started to constantly check my phone I wasn't too bothered at first but then it became all the time while I was sleeping etc and he's a real computer geek so knows how to get into everything. Well I finally put a stop to this and changed my password on my phone. He was fine at first but then because I was so tired from working full time I was really quite to say I was just exhausted. Bit he got his suspicions that I was being unfaithfull. I'm not. And one night asked to look through my phone I said no your not I've changed my password for a reason etc. He kept demanding and I just went to bed. Well I woke up with my phone gone and my partner in my face demanding me to put my password in which I declined. Even though I changed all of my social passwords and emails, google account etc. He seemed to get into them from his laptop and changed my passwords. Yes he was still waking me to unlock my phone saying if I loved him and respected him I would let him get reassurance through my phone. By this point my son was in bed with me and kept arguing so I decided to go downstairs. When he grabbed my phone out of my hands and I tried to get it back. He grabbed both my arms in order to get my phone but ended up bruising me. And called me every name under the sun as u can imagine and that I can move out. After this I juts went to bed with my kids and he finally left me alone. Now he wants to sort things but I want to leave but I would like to stay till Xmas for the children. He keeps saying we can sort things as we always sort everything. I just need some advise please. So stuck as I do love him so much Confused

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 21/10/2018 07:46

Given your username ... why would anyone bother when it seems you will disregard them anyway?

Shoxfordian · 21/10/2018 07:46

Leave him
There's no excuse for him being violent towards you even though you were unfaithful. No excuse ever. Not acceptable ever. Call womens aid for some support if you need to but don't stay with him

glamorousgrandmother · 21/10/2018 07:48

He is violent and abusive even in front of your son. He denies you your privacy. Do you really need to ask? Go.

category12 · 21/10/2018 07:50

Surely it'd be better to move now and be in your new place in time to have your first lovely, calm Xmas without him.

Potato2242 · 21/10/2018 08:00

From the sound of it he doesn't trust you because of your behaviour since the desperate attempt to reassure himself. Leave for the pair of you's sake. You're getting hurt and he's been hurt and is lashing out because he's hurting. You leaving flippantly and refusing to reassure him is escalating things not calming them down. So leave.

Original poster
Butilovehim1 · 21/10/2018 08:14

I know the answer I've said it a thousand words in my head I just need other ti tell me it's wrong. And that I'm not going crazy. It's hard because I feel like I love him and it will be so hard. And I didn't want to leave before Xmas as I wanted them to have one last year together and happy. As this also gives me time to save to move I haven't reported him due to not wanting my children being taken away from me and him for that matter as he's a great dad. And

OP posts:
Original poster
Butilovehim1 · 21/10/2018 08:15

I've also just started a new job and rely on him taking the children in the morning due to what hours I work and I've finally fount a job that I love and feels like I'm going to loose e wry thing at once

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/10/2018 08:16

He came in and was aggressive to you in front of your son. Not a great Dad..

Angrybird345 · 21/10/2018 08:18

He’s not a great dad. Really, wake up and see him for what he is, nasty. You should not have been unfaithful but that didn’t give him a right to be violent with you. He’s out if order on so many levels. Get out before Christmas.

Original poster
Butilovehim1 · 21/10/2018 08:27

I honestly wish I could just get up and go I just have no money to do this and I also still need to work to be able to have money. I cant get a loan as I have a iva. Xmas coming up with nothing to give everything just seems impossible 😢

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2018 08:30

No he is NOT a great dad if he treats you as the mother of his children abusively. Is this what you want to teach them about relationships. What you are both showing them is a terrible role model of one.

I think you are also confusing love here with co-dependency and so are putting his needs first before yours and that of your kids.

Why have you ever thought your children would be taken away from either of you if you reported this man?. Their lives with this man have also been rubbish; you think that spending two days with him over the Christmas period would at all cancel that out?. Give your head a wobble here.

I would also seriously consider making plans to leave asap and before Christmas too. Its not worth staying with him for the sake of two days. Come the evening of December 26th Christmas is over anyway and what then for you?.

Its never easy to leave but staying with him will just give him more opportunity to knock you and in turn these kids about. He is also not suitable as childcare; he is not suitable as parent material because he abuses you and in turn them because they see it all. You have a choice re this man, they do not. I also think you need to contact Womens Aid urgently and seek their help and support in order to leave.

Original poster
Butilovehim1 · 21/10/2018 08:34

What would I do about money when I go I get my wage next week but how can I go to work after when I leave what income what help can I get both my kids are in school but are off for the holidays atm I work 5 days a week and have their grandmother watch them while working but how am I going to financially survive

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2018 08:34

You would be better off in a refuge; he could well end up putting you in hospital or with your own self having some sort of mental health crisis or breakdown.

Seek help too from Stepchange the debt charity re your financial situation; they are very good www.stepchange.org/

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2018 08:37

Has anyone ever gone through your finances properly particularly in terms of your IVA?. Hence my suggestion of Stepchange.

category12 · 21/10/2018 08:46

Housing - is it his house?

Do you have supportive family?

Breakfast clubs or grandparents in the mornings?

He's absolutely not a great dad if he bullies and abuses you in front of the dc and you end up hiding in their rooms at night to get away from him.

Original poster
Butilovehim1 · 21/10/2018 08:57

I used an iva and I pay roughly 100 a month paying off my debts. It's his house he owns it that I live in and I have family but no room for us all and I start work at 7am and breakfast club doesn't start till 8 so that's impossible too 😭

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2018 09:00

Couldn't the grandparents do the school run?

Speak to Stepchange as pp suggested.

There are online calculators for working out what you might be able to claim as a single parent, and for what he would be expected to pay in child support.

Original poster
Butilovehim1 · 21/10/2018 09:08

He would not let me take the kids away from him he will take them off me as soon as I did

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2018 10:02

That's not what happens, op. It's what men like this threaten. The courts are there to make arrangements if it can't be achieved privately.

You need to speak to Women's aid.

PoisonousSmurf · 21/10/2018 10:08

You must be very stupid to be staying with him. You work full time, so can support yourself.
Leave him!

Butterfly44 · 21/10/2018 10:15

It's not going to work. He will always be suspicious. Changing your passwords etc puts in the idea you've more to hide especially when you don't trust him enough to have access.
It doesn't excuse violence, especially in front of children.
Move out, leave. Relationship is over.
Solicitors can get involved regarding access and child payments. You'll have to work through the rest....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2018 10:51

"He would not let me take the kids away from him he will take them off me as soon as I did"

As if he could do that anyway. He is all hot air. Your relationship is over anyway due to the violence within it.

This is what abusive men say to their partner in order to keep them trapped and controlled, its straight out of the abusers handbook.
This is also why you need help from the likes of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women in order to leave. Do not stay with him just to give your kids a "nice Christmas". Staying with him now till then also just gives him more opportunity to knock you and his kids about. And then you will be in the same position after Christmas too; tear the plaster off now.

Original poster
Butilovehim1 · 21/10/2018 11:12

The problem with work is the simple fact I work from 7am and no childminders of families available to help at them times

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 21/10/2018 11:59

You don't know that she will disregard anything people say, @NotTheFordType, and it's not helpful.

as he's a great dad He really isn't. Exposing children to domestic violence is child abuse. You have to be careful. If your children are school age and disclose at school, SS won't be happy with you.

differentnameforthis · 21/10/2018 12:01

@PoisonousSmurf You must be very stupid to be staying with him

There is no need for that. It's clear to see op is stuck. Bullying from you won't help any.