Please help me with this uncontrollable rage

[Siestapesta]

I've posted before and posting again under a different username.
I feel a lot of anger towards my husband, which he knows about after I felt let down by him following the birth of our third child. I don't really want to expand further on this.
The Baby is 4 months old and we have older children too.
Things are very rocky between us and I have seen advisors and a life coach to discuss leaving him as I am so unhappy.
Before I leave him, I need to get my ducks in a row which will take months, maybe longer, particularly as I am on maternity leave.
I am seeking help and doing the best I can to prepare but I just feel this despairing uncontrollable rage towards him. My counsellor has discussed choosing my battles with him etc but its like I can't help it.
This morning I flew off the handle about a few dishes. I had already washed up, given DH a short lie-in after he had been up with the eldest child very early. I then went to shower etc and came down to find new breakfast dishes stacked next to the sink and DH lying on the sofa. We were all going out so there wasnt time to do them again. I was furious.
My DM arrived and witnessed me shouting at him, eldest DC got upset as I left in DMs car as opposed to the family car as I was so angry with DH.
I was more angered by his arrogant reaction as I tried explaining angrily why I was so annoyed and he refused to look at me just repeating " right,ok right, ok" over and over again in an impatient tone which just antagonised me more.
DM was shocked and told me I need to control my temper. DCs were upset as I had shouted at DH then not gone in the family car.
My rage is affecting everyone.
I am trying to calm down, I am trying to avoid DH as much as possible but its so hard when we live together and do things together with the children. I dont know why I pursued this battle but I was seething. Also, we were late as DH had to brush DCs teeth as we were leaving through the door as he had forgotten to do them and had been lying on the sofa instead which didn't help.
Ive apologised to everyone for shouting and tried explaining why I was so upset but DH says he doesnt see my point of view at all and says the dishes could have waited (even though I had already washed up!)
I dont think DH and I will see eye to eye over much any time soon but we have to continue living together. How do I control this rage? Its affecting all of us and I'm frightened I might be ruining my childrens childhood and all they will remember is a crazy shouty mummy. To add I rarely shout at them, its all directed towards DH.
Help me control this?
I'm so ashamed.
To add we are not getting much sleep at all. Middle DC wakes during the night a lot so DH gets up with him and the baby is awake hourly, I'm also breastfeeding. Its tough on everyone.

you need to leave...for your own mental health and the health of your children.. you need to leave now

That level of anger is very bad for you - I remember having that when I went through the menopause - I was at the GP for medication very quickly.

It does sound as though it's all linked to your experiences with him, though the age of your baby suggests it might be PND. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. What do you think your life would be like without him living with you?

Do you get angry with others or just with him?

I don’t know the full circumstances of your relationship but I’m the one in our relationship who leaves things on the counter.

I don’t do it maliciously and I try not to but every now and then it happens if I’m tired or preoccupied.

I have a lovely DH who values the contribution I make to many areas of our life and let’s it go.

It’s not fair to put either of you or your children through this.

You overreacted to a minor infringement because your relationship has broken down.

Please figure out how to manage living together and if you can’t then figure out a way to expedite the break up.

The current situation sounds horrendous for all of you!

Hmmm it does seem an overreaction to dishes.

The rage probably wasn't even about the dishes, and more that they symbolise to you that your husband doesn't seem to care about the fact you've already washed up. I suspect you probably feel taken for granted which has caused a communication break down. If it's a recurring theme I empathise as I've been there. It's horrible so I can understand your anger.

Is there anyway you could stay with your mum or another relative for a couple of days to clear your head in the short term? Long term, you are going to have to do your best to minimise the hostility at home as your kids will be feeling it.

If husband leave dishes or anything else that aggravates you, take a step back, get some fresh air for a few minutes outside or something til you've calmed down. Have you talked about separating?

I only get angry with him.
I have had PND before and I dont feel depressed this time, I adore my baby etc and feel I have more energy than with previous DCs. But I experienced the anger last time and it was all towards DH, like this time.
I hate myself for it and vow never to act like that again. Then low and behold, something minor happens and its like a red rag to a bull.
I have told a couple of close friends how I am behaving and they don't believe me as I'm so calm and reasonable most of the time. DM was shocked.
I can't leave any time soon, I've nowhere to go. DM lives with a friend so there is noway I can stay with her.
DH has been subdued all day. I'm ruining things for everyone. It seems to be commonly when we're leaving the house or trying to, I just lose it.

Hi Siestapesta, I was just wondering if you have PTSD? (I might have just got the wrong end of the stick)

I wonder if the rage towards your DH has a deeper cause to it, like stuff from your childhood? Where you’ve been let down before? If that’s the case, then the rage will only surface again in a future relationship.
I understand he has hurt you, as you’ve said, but not being able to control your anger is a separate issue from that, and one that will come up again in close relationships if the root of it isn’t dealt with.

Your DH’s seemingly arrogant reaction could be a bit of a wall of self-defence, my own DH will close up his feelings and appear cold and almost arrogant if he’s being attacked and is hurt.
Like you, I was always a calm person but my anger came out in my relationship with my DH, my anger against life and all the crap and ways I’d been treated, neglected etc. I had to realise it wasn’t actually my DH making me angry, the anger had been there all along and it needed to be dealt with.

I've suffered from rage in the past and as much as it's horrible for others I think its important to acknowledge that its also terrible for you and you, just as much as anyone else, don't enjoy the experience. What jumps out at me is that you are breast feeding. Honestly, do take onboard that lack of sleep is actually a form of torture and some peoples brain function is profoundly affected by the lack. For me, I took anti depressants and made the move to bottle feeding (no quick fix there though). Please don't be too harsh on yourself, seek help from midwife/gp to implement changes to get more rest. Also, your partner needs to pull his weight more! Good luck, it's genuinely awful for all involved x

Just read your update that you can't stay with DM. Ok, so that's off the table.

You have identified the times when this is likely to happen. When you're just about to leave the house. So what is it about leaving the house that triggers It? I get it's stressful trying to get everyone sorted to get out of the door to go out, especially when you have a new born.

Is there ways which would make it easier? Are the older children old enough to brush there own teeth? Do you have a bag ready with nappies, wipes, change if clothes etc ready to go out for the day. Is husband co-operative with rallying the kids? Can you explain what needs doing so he's on board? Just trying to think of practical solutions

Yes, it was more than just the dishes. I feel very taken for granted, emotionally, we have no connection- he sees everything in black and white and I'm the sensitive and emotional type. If I use "I feel" statements he will say things like "I disagree".
We are 2 very different islands living together, trying to raise a family together. I feel I can't relate to him at all, or that he can't relate to me.
There is no empathy from him at all or attempts to understand. The things he does that irritate me, he tells me I'm unreasonable for and yet he pulls the DCs up when they do it! Its like he can't see himself objectively at all. This morning, he was telling DC2 off for not tidying this room, yet his side of our room is strewn in clothes all over the floor. But he doesn't see what he does as a problem at all. He looks at me as if I'm crazy to even have a problem with it.
I feel I'm going mad. Every time I try to express myself I'm made to feel invalid and unreasonable.

Go see gp on Monday get some help
Use strategies to think first.

Think...count to ten.
will anyone be injured or get sick if xxx doesnt happen now?
What s the worst that can happen if ........dishes are left all day?

I tend to have to rally DH up aswell as the children. He gets v easily distracted and loses focus so leaving the house can be quite a job!

I completely relate OP. I also despise my husband and have no patience whatsoever for his bullshit. I am angry constantly. I have found that focussing on next year when I am leaving him helps tremendously. I just tell myself that I've only got X amount of months left and then I will be free. I also told him that I am leaving him next year and he obviously thinks I'm not serious. Oh well. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its not that I think something bad will happen if the dishes arent done. Its the feeling taken for granted and feeling like he is sabotaging a job which I'd completed and felt good about completing prior to leaving the house.
I feel like I'm battling alone a lot of the time. As if we have completely different agendas which keep on clashing. Ive tried communicating all of this with him, tried searching for solutions amicably but he just shuts down or continues to argue over very minor details which seems to be the main problem for us anyway!

Siesta I could have it's totally written your last post. You summed it up well with "two islands".

Have you considered couples counselling? My relationship sounds very similar to yours, that's why I can understand your feelings of anger.

You could try point out your husbands hypocrisies in a jokey way. So like him telling off your child for the messy bedroom, you could jokingly make a point about his side of the room. "The pot is calling the kettle black! 😉😉" maybe he wouldn't feel so defensive but realise he too has his flaws.

It sounds a very difficult time for you, and I 100% sympathise with how difficult it is to control your anger when sleep deprived.

In the kindest possible way though, it does sound like you are having very big reactions to very small crimes. Without knowing the background on your recent birth experience, it's hard to say if your anger at your husband is proportionate, but is it possible you are suffering some PTSD and he is the person in the firing line? Having had some personal experience I can say that trauma makes you incapable of looking after others' finer feelings, or
forgiving small wrongs, as your own reserves are empty. But its really easy to overshoot and burn relationships that, while imperfect, are still good and worthwhile in the long run.

Maybe leaving him is the right thing to do, but you would need to be sure you're making that decision in your right mind. Perhaps some counselling (as opposed to life coaching aimed specifically at making your exit) would be a good idea. Good luck.

OP you sound very frustrated. I feel the same with my dh, I just want to go. Everything he does/doesn't do nakes me unreasonably angry. I also don't want my dc to see that level of anger or even bring it into our house. For me, I think I get so angry because I feel so helpless. The situation is not how I imagined it, our marriage and life isn't either and I cannot get him to change or even get off the couch. So I feel resentment, helplesness and trapped. I decided I am going to get a realistic date to work towards leaving, gym, maybe join a group that's not baby and toddler (something I was interested in pre-marriage) and use my maternity leave productively that way. So whatever he does, doesn't affect me to that degree. Good luck OP.

I could have written this! It took me four YEARS to work out that it wasn't just him and I am now taking antidepressants and life is so much better. I know you say you've suffered before but perhaps it's expressing itself in a different way this time? Please forgive me if this sounds presumptuous. I know how hard breastfeeding a four month old is while a lazy overgrown child appears to think only of himself, truly I do. He needs to get that your job is basically just to feed that baby and he ought to be doing everything else and without waiting for you to do it first (when mine used to go "oh, I was just about to..." Bollocks).

But still. It sounds like you're overreacting and I know how impossible it seems that you could be, and you WOULD still be annoyed but the perception is somehow different when depression is involved I have found.

You may not be depressed, but if I was in your shoes I would go to the GP for help and support initially. A friend put it to me recently that she felt if she'd worked on herself first then her marriage may not have broken down entirely, it was one of the things that made me be honest with myself that I wasn't ok.

Big hugs OP

When you say he argues over minor details, is that his way if deflecting away from the issue you have raised with him?

I.e. you say "lately i feel taken for granted in the relationship and it's making me feel upset" then you give examples of what you mean and he replies "Well, what about when I did x, y and z?" or does he say things like "no I think you're full of bull, how about when you did x, y and z"?

In other words you try to discuss the issue and rather than him listening and meeting you half way to try and grasp your feelings so you can reach a mutual solution, he throws in random counter-arguments to shut you down so he doesn't have to do anything about It?

Projecting here, I know.

I felt like this for the last few years of my marriage. In the end, I absolutely could not bear to be in the same room as him. Everything he did just drove me crazy, and I wanted to punch him every time I looked at him (obviously I didn't) . Ultimately, it was years of built up resentment at him just generally being a massive twat throughout our relationship. Since leaving him, I've been so much calmer and less stressed, even though our divorce is quite acrimonious.

Sickofthisshit, I feel every word you wrote. I feel exactly the same. The divorce we are going through is not going to fall short of acrimonious, and I have no idea how we are going to co-parent after the divorce. I can't stand a single thing about him and we have to live together during the divorce proceedings. So much resentment has built up that I just feel like I could scream for hours. Though I've been on antidepressants for the past couple of months and that seems to help a lot. I feel that AD have helped taking the edge off the anger I felt.

Okay I'm going to say it.....a few dirty dishes left on the side isn't a deal breaker when you have to juggle jobs, little ones etc Why are you so angry at this? Are you a perfectionist who needs the house tidy all the time ? Families that thrive realize nothing is perfect, we all muck along together and if something is in need of washing, clearing away, cleaning it can get done when we have finished having family time. I think you are highly strung and your OH isn't, it's not alright to shout and scream at your OH if he doesn't share the same priorities as you. Can you imagine if this was a male posting? I'm screaming and shouting at my wife because she left some pots on the sink? I'm baffled seriously, I'm baffled, do you want to lose the father of your children because you yourself accept you have anger issues?

Have you thought that your anger is totally misdirected. This is not about dishes.
You say you have a life coach and a therapist? Is that wise? I mean is it not better to concentrate on one for now.
You’re baby is only 4 months old. Can you focus on you’re own mental health and then go forward.
Also I don’t think you feeling like he let you down with your last child is irrelevant at all. In fact it’s probably at the heart of this and worth examining further.
Because no one should get angry about some breakfast dishes.

This is not about the dishes. That much is evident. It is about what lies beneath.
I do understand you OP, I'm just not sure I have a solution.