Please help me with this uncontrollable rage

[Siestapesta]

I've posted before and posting again under a different username.
I feel a lot of anger towards my husband, which he knows about after I felt let down by him following the birth of our third child. I don't really want to expand further on this.
The Baby is 4 months old and we have older children too.
Things are very rocky between us and I have seen advisors and a life coach to discuss leaving him as I am so unhappy.
Before I leave him, I need to get my ducks in a row which will take months, maybe longer, particularly as I am on maternity leave.
I am seeking help and doing the best I can to prepare but I just feel this despairing uncontrollable rage towards him. My counsellor has discussed choosing my battles with him etc but its like I can't help it.
This morning I flew off the handle about a few dishes. I had already washed up, given DH a short lie-in after he had been up with the eldest child very early. I then went to shower etc and came down to find new breakfast dishes stacked next to the sink and DH lying on the sofa. We were all going out so there wasnt time to do them again. I was furious.
My DM arrived and witnessed me shouting at him, eldest DC got upset as I left in DMs car as opposed to the family car as I was so angry with DH.
I was more angered by his arrogant reaction as I tried explaining angrily why I was so annoyed and he refused to look at me just repeating " right,ok right, ok" over and over again in an impatient tone which just antagonised me more.
DM was shocked and told me I need to control my temper. DCs were upset as I had shouted at DH then not gone in the family car.
My rage is affecting everyone.
I am trying to calm down, I am trying to avoid DH as much as possible but its so hard when we live together and do things together with the children. I dont know why I pursued this battle but I was seething. Also, we were late as DH had to brush DCs teeth as we were leaving through the door as he had forgotten to do them and had been lying on the sofa instead which didn't help.
Ive apologised to everyone for shouting and tried explaining why I was so upset but DH says he doesnt see my point of view at all and says the dishes could have waited (even though I had already washed up!)
I dont think DH and I will see eye to eye over much any time soon but we have to continue living together. How do I control this rage? Its affecting all of us and I'm frightened I might be ruining my childrens childhood and all they will remember is a crazy shouty mummy. To add I rarely shout at them, its all directed towards DH.
Help me control this?
I'm so ashamed.
To add we are not getting much sleep at all. Middle DC wakes during the night a lot so DH gets up with him and the baby is awake hourly, I'm also breastfeeding. Its tough on everyone.

I could have written this five months ago. I was angry all the time when I set eyes on STBXH. It usually was the dishes or general mess created by him as soon as I had finished cleaning. He wasnt working but couldnt see mess and dirt so I had to work full time and still clean the mess he made. I was told by loads of people" But its only dishes" which actually encouraged it.

We are separated now and I am almost never angry no matter how stressed our 3 DC make me. Sadly he breezes into my house three days a week to see kids eats all the food he doesnt pay for and leaves the dirty dishes yet again for the cleaning up gremlin to wash. I have refused to be angry but I call him back every single time to clean it. Cue texts of me being harsh and him sulking. I am putting up with it because of the DC but can't wait for him to get a job and get his own place.

For some dirty dishes are trivial. In a relationship where you dont feel valued it can be what tips you into insanity.

You are doing very well to be coping with a baby as well. Do see a GP for short term help. But long term, you just have to leave. That is the only way you will regain your sanity

elliemillie, couldn't agree more with you!

It goes deeper than just the dishes, @babycow. It's the underlying feeling of being undervalued and trying to raise the issue with the person who is supposed to love you, but they offer no support, just patronising tones.

I agree the anger needs to be dealt with, it's not good for the kids to live with it. But to claim it's just the op being highly strung is not looking at the whole picture. And it invalidates op's feelings. Which she clearly needs help dealing with.

I’m sorry to hear that you are having such a miserable time but you really need to get help for your anger. I know you said you only shout at your DH but your children are hearing you shout each time you do it and it must be upsetting for them. Please try some kind of anger management if you can’t leave for a while.

Of course it’s not about the dishes, irs about her SH not pulling his weight, not being there for her emotionally, and continually expecting her to to make up for his lack of care and consideration while he gets to switch off and relax.

OP it’s hardly surprising you feel as you do and you are entitled to feel all of those things. However you are not entitled to allow those feeling to manifest themselves as they have been. It’s turning you into someone you don’t want to be.

For me, the key thing has been to spot the triggers. The triggers may not seem related but they are instances where you feel let down and put upon which taps back into the feelings you felt after the birth of your baby.

Next stage is to work on how you can break the cycle which ends in your inappropriate reactions. What has your therapist suggested might work for you as coping strategies?

You've airway said they're was a big event that you're angry at him for and don't want to repeat it here, so I think we can all agree it isn't about the dishes.

If he's done something you can't forgive then you do need to make plans to move on. In the meantime I wonder if you can talk with him about separating. You might not be able to move out but perhaps he could. Also you could start acting like a single parent. Leave him to faff. Get on with looking after your brood and yourself. Your rage about whatever it was he did will be less frequently triggered this way.