How to deal with Anxiety when you have to see your ex?

[Lorddenning1]

I have to see my ex a couple of times a week to drop the kids off and pick them up, he comes to my house on Wednesday and I go out for a few hours.
I get a bit sick to the stomach and adrenaline and I can't concentrate, I'm ok once I pick them up, and I always think that wasn't so bad, but it comes back again when I have to see him.
Does anyone have any techniques I could use to help me

Why is he seeing them in your home?

He has them 1 night a week stay over at the weekend and he comes to mine on Wednesday so I can go to the gym, it helps me and he gets the see the kids.
The thing is he has met someone else, we have been split for 8 weeks and it's a lot of adjustment to make. It was a mutual decision to end the relationship but he has been telling me too much info about his new girlfriend and it's upsetting me :(

I would formalise all arrangements going forward through the courts; informal arrangements like you describe are not always successful and its causing you distress already.

Well if you're going to have this arrangement, you need to set boundaries about conversational topics at the least - you don't need to hear about his new gf for a start. Don't sacrifice peace of mind for false amicability - it's OK to say "stop right there". (Maybe one day you'll be friends enough to share stories of dating, but 8 weeks after a split is not that time.)

Keep conversations short and to the point about the practical stuff and the dc.

And think about other options for getting to the gym, longterm him being in your house isn't going to work.

The split is recent and he is being inappropriate, if not weird talking about his girlfriend. It’s normal to be unsettled as you don’t know what to expect everytime he shows up. Remove the opportunity for variation.

As others have suggested you could just change the arrangements to avoid contact altogether. Or indeed tinker with them. There is no reason for you to be having chats about his love life. This can’t happen if you don’t allow time for it. Kids at the door for pick ups, no invites in when they are dropped off. On the night he stays with them (this is not tenable btw) you need to be ready to walk out when he arrives. He needs to leave when you return. Don’t engage with him when you get back. Just say you are busy and he can see himself out.

You can do all this without having to agree it with him. He will get the message. It would be better to have it out. Instead of chatting about his love life it might be time to have a sit down to agree above. Even just send a text or email. It will do.

But if you can tell him straight that you need to have minimal contact, except in relation to texts / emails the children and access. I would be quite clear that you don’t have any interest in hearing about his love life and it is totally inappropriate for him to be discussing it with you. End the conversation and don’t go into why you split up. It’s about the future not the past.

This is all about being assertive which is difficult or impossible if you are experiencing anxiety. Without knowing to what extent you are suffering I can’t recommend a solution. If it is purely in this situation then it’s probably a matter of biting the bullet and having the conversation. Otherwise if it is chronic, CBT, mindfulness or mediation all help. You should see a doctor for advice on that.

Thank you for our replies, I was thinking of similar things, to say in order to work with our current arrangement he needs to stop talking about her, and keep it about the children or I will need to change the Wednesday contact and he will have to pick the kids up himself from a 3rd party family member.
I am currently undergoing counselling to help me deal with the break up, iv only had an assessment yet so I can't wait to start it properly. Iv tried anti depressants from the doctor but I had an adverse reaction to them and now I'm scared to take anything else.
I just want to get better and not feel like this. I think counselling and with time I will be ok.
An example of how he mentions her is, me asking him what time his bus will get him home so I can drop the kids off, his reply, I'm getting a lift off new girlfriend" so drop them off in an hour, so that makes me think why in an hour, is it because he wants to spend some time with her beforehand and why couldn't he say I'm getting a lift, y does he have to mentioned her? I'm not strong enough to deal with this yet

Also we had a row last week on our way to parents evening and he stormed off then appeared 10 mins later and said I'm only here because his new girlfriend has talked him into it, I won't lie that felt like a punch to the gut 😢

I really think you need to stop the incidental contacts and communications. For that you need fixed and regular handover arrangements in place.

Start making adjustments to how you communicate. For example instead of asking what time his bus gets him home, tell him you will be dropping them off at x time. This should be a reasonably agreed and regular time that allows him to get the bus home. If he is not going to be there it will be up to him to let you know. You either then fit in with his plans or tell him you can’t make it.

Meet at the PT night outside the school. Tell him the dates and times but leave it up to him to be there. If he wants to be there. He shouldn’t need a girlfriend to tell him he should go.

He doesn’t seem to have boundaries so you need to put them in place. By the sounds of it he doesn’t have a car but that is his problem. Don’t facilitate him by offering lifts. You don’t have that relationship anymore and you can’t cope with his behaviour when you meet up.

Keep a record of his failures to comply with the agreed arrangements, it will come in handy. At some point you will probably need to formalise with a court order.

Look he has a new girlfriend and that makes you feel bad. You will get over it because he is no prize. He is a man who can’t prioritise his own children. Who doesn’t have reasonable boundaries and is jumping into a new relationship too soon. He will probably get dumped or she will have to accept his fuckwittage. I mean they have been together weeks and she is already looking after him, running him around and sorting out his parental responsibilities. He’s a loser and she’s a mug. He’s a user and she is being used.

Get own with your own life including repairing the damage done by this relationship and split. You are facing up to it, he isn’t and he will always be a useless man child. Photoshop his head into a toddler body and remind yourself that this what you have lost and what she has gained. Look at it everytime he does one of his fuckups, not being home on time, not wanting to go to PT meeting, etc.

Thank you @LemonTT I needed to hear that :)
He has been very mean to me at the minute, saying things like "would it help if I told you I never loved you, not loved you for a long time, and that he hates me as a person and he could gladly go the rest of his life to not see or speak to me" then when u cried, gave me a hug :(

I have been very brave today and said that when I see him we just need to talk about the kids and nothing else, I don't want to hear about his new gf as I'm not interested, and if he any do this then I am changing our contact arrangements, that he would need to collect the kids from my family as I cannot be around him. He agreed so we shall see how it works out (I was shaking the whole time and my voice broke maybe once or twice)
Thank you MM for making me feel strong

Hi OP I think you need some support such as counselling to help improve your personal resilience as well. Getting your ex to stop talking about his new partner is only ever going to be a short term fix because if his new relationship becomes more serious it just isn't going to be realistic or fair for him to pretend that she doesn't exist around you in case you change his visitation arrangements.

Well done.
Loom after yourself.

@Hopoindown31 I am waiting for my counselling, I had an assessment this week, I just don't need to hear about her at the minute while I'm so fragile but I agree I need to accept it if she is his future, he has already talked about how he has fallen in love with her and that he wants to move in together and that he wants her to meet the kids, she has 2 kids herself

Great guns LordD

Understandable to be fragile and upset following a break up. I think you are brave to face your feelings and to have confronted him. You will get stronger and realise he is past mistake.

As a manchild he can only evolve into a cocklodger. By the sounds of it he is well on the way to that. A quick fast moving relationship following a major breakup says one thing. He is to weak and dependent to be on his own.

I think in time you will realise he dragged you down.

You showed strength and you will get stronger. You are the life winner here

Thank you @LemonTT I have overcome so much in my life, I will be damn to let this break me :) I just need some time.
Him moving on so fast just makes me feel like I meant nothing to him, 9 yrs and 2 kids later, I feel like he can just replace me so easily and to then say he didn't love me, well thanks a lot you arse hole :(

Wow, he sounds like a right fucking arsehole. You'll be thanking your lucky stars he's not in your life VERY soon. Dickhead!

I bloody hope so, I know he is a loser and I'm well rid, so I feel a bit pathetic really as I know he isn't a catch so I don't understand why I feel like this :( it's only the kids that are keeping me together at the minute

A couple of techniques that might help.

When you have a specific thing to say, like asking him not to share details of new gf, or saying you want to keep conversation to arrangements for kids, decide exactly what you want to say. Then run through it like a movie in your mind, see and hear yourself saying what you want to say, saying it confidently and really meaning it. Run through it agsin & again.

Your mind doesn't know the difference between memory & imagination, so by practising like this, when you actually have to do it your mind will be clearer and it won't feel alien or new.

Also when you notice yourself asking questions in your mind about what he's doing, ask a different question - like what would help me right now? Your mind will try to answer the questions you ask it, so asking yourself questions about him will keep your mind thinking if him. Focus on you instead. Be kind to yourself.

Oh you are lamenting the life that it could have been not that it was.

As to making mistakes, everybody else does. All you did was pick one who may have showed promise but it all came to nothing. I assume he and you were young when you met. They don't have much of CV to give you an idea about how they will turn out. He does now and it doesn't read well. You would throw him back if he got in your net today.

Get the space and distance and the perspective will come. If you can redo your bedroom to be yours and get rid of his presence in your space. Make it a sanctuary.

Another great questio - what can I do now that I coukdn't do before.

Focus on the positives of him not being there. And the other positives in your life.

When a relationship ends, there is a grieving process to go through. Even when you know the relationship needed to end, you still grieve. You grieve for what you thought you were getting.

Take care.

It sounds like everyone is speaking from experience, so I take it I will get over this, it's nice to hear that one day I will feel normal again.
Mumsnet has been so good for support, I owe it a lot :)
Another thing I didn't mention is he is addicted to gambling and weed, it's the reason we split, I started to resent him and we started to argue. When we first met he promised me the world, bought me flowers and nice things and over the years that has stopped, along with us going out together and having sex etc. We were living seperate lives but under one roof, the break up was mutual, it's just since he met someone else, I can't get over it. He is the loser, he isn't meant to be moving on, I'm left here a mess

I love the doing up my bedroom idea :)

He isn't moving on that's why you got rid. He is stuck with his addiction. He just found an enabler to keep carrying on. By getting rid, you moved on and by looking to improve yourself you will be the winner in the end.

He can't go it alone, so he has grabbed the first woman who came along.

Get going with the mood board, swatches and paint samples. B&Q is your friend

Taking back control of your environment like your bedroom- excellent advice!

Sadly I do talk from experience!

@LemonTT you always seem to know the right thing to say :) are you a councillor by any chance x

@Brakebackcyclebot how long until you felt ok :) iv had a proper melt Down on Saturday morning, which is strange as I was on a high Friday night, metaphorically :) and then boom Saturday morning arrived as I was really really low, the lowest iv been since the split, I'm thinking if this happens again I might take myself off to the gym or go running, I can't do that to myself , iv never cried like that before.
To whoever it was who said every time I think of what he may be up to, to counter act that thought with a reason I'm not with him anymore, thank you :) iv tweaked it a bit and think of what would we be doing or what would I be feeling if he was here now and we never split up :)