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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to deal with Anxiety when you have to see your ex?

30 replies

Lorddenning1 · 20/10/2018 09:55

I have to see my ex a couple of times a week to drop the kids off and pick them up, he comes to my house on Wednesday and I go out for a few hours.
I get a bit sick to the stomach and adrenaline and I can't concentrate, I'm ok once I pick them up, and I always think that wasn't so bad, but it comes back again when I have to see him.
Does anyone have any techniques I could use to help me

OP posts:
lornar123 · 21/10/2018 20:52

What you are feeling is totally normal. For many (I wouldnt say all) people losing someone you love and with them any plans for your future is very painful. There is the feeling that you will never feel in love again or that the person you have given so much to didn't love you back and you've somehow wasted your love on them. That you are lacking something the other woman has. All totally normal and healthy.

I think the fact you feel this way shows you are actually a beautiful person, one capable of feeling such strong emotions. What you need to do is keep a lid on it and that requires some discipline and routine, and time Flowers

Lorddenning1 · 21/10/2018 21:07

Thank you @lornar123 xxx

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 21/10/2018 21:55

Hello OP - came on to say you are getting a lot of good advice and support - particularly LemonTT.
Your ex hasn't moved on/hasn't fallen in love in a space of 8 weeks.
Could almost say I feel sorry for the girlfriend - would be interesting to know if she's actually aware of his gambling/weed habits? However, that will not be your concern.
As previous posters have said - he's a user/cocklodger.
He seems to thrive on your anxiety.
Soon as you feel able - formalise access/contact arrangements. Also, he needs to be contributing financially for his children.
It's ideal for your children if things remain amicable - however, in my own experience - it equated to him "taking the you know what". His loss. He has no contact with my daughter (her choice). He has no idea she is married, and has a beautiful daughter.
Wishing you the best of luck[ flowers]

LemonTT · 21/10/2018 22:09

LordD
Great to see you are making great strides today again. I am glad I if I have helped.

Hope you have progressed the plans to redecorate. There's nothing like fresh new linen for a new start.

I'm not a counsellor just a very old, been around the tracks, woman. Who had great mother who passed on wise words.

Lorddenning1 · 22/10/2018 13:47

the girl he is with is an ex of his from around 14 years ago, they were engaged and ready to buy a house together but they split (i dont know why that was) so im thinking they might of fallen in love as they have history, its not like she is a random girl. she has come out of a 10 year marriage to someone around 5 months ago, her ex was an abusive alcoholic, they have 2 kids together (see how much i know about her, he tells me too much) i even know how much her rent is a month.

she knows he smokes weed, they have done it together, thats what our row was about when we were going to parents evening, i was concerned that if they moved in together, i didnt want my children to be around drugs, and i had reservations about there being a responsible adult in the house, he flipped and stormed off, again if he didnt tell me everything, i wouldnt know this. I know how tall she is, where she lives, that she goes uni doing nursing. how old her kids are and their names, all about her ex and that she is pretty amazing (all this without having to look on facebook).

im just hoping the conversation i had on saturday works, it will make it alot easier for me. I know i cant wave a magic wand, i know with time i will be better, and i also know if might take years to fully go, i am fully prepared for this, we are always going to be in each others lives, its how i manage it that will be important.
I plan to do some more exercise in the evening and more reading, and if i feel low at the weekend when he has the kids, i will take myself off to the gym, i will plan to do the room up in the new year as i need to save for Christmas. I plan to try and be happier on my own before i even think of another relationship.
i cant wait to be in control of my emotions and i cant wait for him to have no effect on me.
sorry i feel like i have waffled on

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