No not the wife but known several people in both the op's and op's wife's position and seen the fallout.
And not bitter or projecting either, I've never had this issue from either side.
I guessed sailor/navy but didn't want to assume necessarily as I've known it be the case also for oil workers and others.
Army brat/ex wife myself, so have friends who are/were navy/navy brats/wives. Also come from a sailing family on one side so got some insight there too. My ex obviously was away at times but I knew and expected that, but he's also been a brat and we both knew that there's certain difficulties to negotiate and we put things in place and did things to handle those. His career was never the problem because we prepared for it and dealt with that aspect - ironically it was fatherhood he struggled with! So no bitterness. I actually loved being an army wife, after being a brat it was what I knew and I still really miss not being in that life. But I have seen many couples not deal with this type of career/lifestyle well.
Personally I don't think sailing is a career well suited to family life UNLESS a real effort is possible to be made both in communication and understanding how the other parties in the situation are feeling - which is rare.
"Our dream was always a house in the country with a few acres." You say 'our' but you (plural) must have realised that with your job the vast bulk of the work would be left to your wife. That's something that really should have been left until your retirement if ever.
Reading all that went on, there are several decisions that seem to me not to have been the wisest. Given you were likely to be away frequently and for long periods. And primarily money based.
Yes it's done, can't change the past. But it informs what's going on now. That perspective is needed if you are to possibly find a way out of the current mess.
As I said I don't think the wife is entirely blameless either! Certainly not if she's cheated, and lack of communication from her isn't going to help anything. Even if you do split as co-parents you HAVE to communicate. It doesn't sound like she's doing that. Certainly not effectively.
Weirdly, I can't help but think a bloody good argument might even be good for you guys! Instead of all this unspoken tension which must mean there's an AWFUL atmosphere in your home which your kids WILL be picking up on (have they been told about your wife's health scare?)
Sadly I fear it is too late for you guys - too much resentment has built up and isn't being properly dealt with.
Cancer does often make people re-evaluate but it can't change history. And it doesn't make people change who they fundamentally are.
You talk of all you've tried to repair things, but at what point did you do this? Cos it sounds like it was fairly late on when you had the cancer? How long had you been married by that point? How long had there been obvious problems? Cos I suspect it wasn't until things were at crisis point.
We see this on these boards frequently though, unfortunately, people ignoring the problems initially and really continuing to ignore until there's a crisis, and honestly by that point it's usually too late.
Plus it's hard to really work on a relationship if you're rarely physically together. You talk of your wife not hugging you etc - how tactile were you before that? Plus you CAN'T touch each other when you're miles apart.
"I sent all of my salary home do they could have a good home." As I said on another thread (woman posting with similar attitude) money is less important than love! Than being there fully for your family. Yea we need enough to cover our basic needs but beyond that people really need to consider if what they're doing for money is detrimental to their emotional lives and the lives of their loved ones.
I've seen this in my own family. 2 relatives who were in high flying careers, earning well, and focuses on that... But now retired and wondering why DC and partners aren't falling over themselves to suddenly spend time with them, wondering why not only they're not close to their families but the families resent them. It's too little too late. They too would say they "did it" for the families but they didn't HAVE to choose the careers they did to provide the necessities for their loved ones and their partners and DC certainly never asked them to. Imo (and I know them quite well) they chose those careers for not just the money, but the status and ego boost! But a career doesn't care about you, it won't keep you warm of a night and it won't care for you emotionally when you're elderly and sick and lonely. One of these relatives their DC during early teens actually said they'd rather they did a less demanding career and were home more, and this plea was dismissed as a "teen tantrum". The relationship between the parent and the now adult DC is now very poor, there are now dgc the parent rarely gets to see and the parent is feeling hurt and rejected - but you reap what you sow!
I stand by what I said about supporting your wife etc. I think you are now realising (and yes hindsight is a bugger!) that you've both simply made poor decisions and not made enough effort in the marriage and dealing with the fallout of that.
Dadaist - I think it out of order to say "don't listen to..." You had no idea why I said what I did. No idea if the experience I have in this type of issue or what I'd witnessed. Disagree with me fine - don't dismiss what I have to say! You don't run this thread!