MarriageOver??

[Lostinuk]

I’ll try to be brief. My marriage has been in trouble for a while but I need some advice. Do I just give up on it?
I posted ages ago about it but still stuck and it’s not better.
I used to work away for years but gave up after a cancer diagnosis. Hated being away from my family but we felt we needed the money. Naturally we became more distant.
I never strayed while I was away although I think my wife thinks I did.
Sex slowed down not from me wanting. I’ve always found my wife incredibly sexy and we’ve been together 25 years.
But sex just a few times In the last 4 years and for a year or so before that limited to just a few times a year just before I went back to work. I would have to go for a few months at a time.
Any way we did it once befor my prostate cancer treatment 3 years ago and she hasn’t touched me since.
She wasn’t always unfriendly just not close and no intimacy or empathy. Cancer treatment was tough.
Anyway I went back to work but only 1 year more and resigned to come home to work. I’m sure she was having an affair or just cheating if there is a difference.
When I got back she said don’t expect sex. I was shocked.
I think she was angry as with me coming back she would have to work more.
Just after I got back I found a condom in her trousers.
Big argument over this but she down played it with several lies. I couldn’t prove anything.
I started snooping around to find more info. Tried to get us to marriage counselling, she wouldn’t go.
Anyway our relationship got worse eventually she agreed to marriage counselling after I had the house valued. Counselling went on for a few months to no progress even the counsellor said she wouldn’t open up.
So I can’t get her to say what she wants. I discussed what I wanted a loving relationship, but nothing from her. I know it all seems obvious.
I’ve seen a solicitor, just an early discussion. But my wife said she found a lump in her breast. I’ve genuinely tried to be supportive but she tried to blame me in a round about way for her possibly getting cancer. She suggested that her having to work hard was making her ill, I’m the cause for her working hard by coming home. I’m also working just as hard by the way.
She hasn’t had the tests yet even. I couldn’t sit quietly for that and asked her why she thought I got cancer then? I just couldn’t believe it. I didn’t yell.
She just told me she has a follow up appointment and scan. I’m still supporting her and said I would come she said no a friend would.
What do I do?? I need a woman’s opinion. Is she repeatedy just telling me it’s over but wants me to end it? We’ve got 3 kids the youngest is 13.
If I didn’t have kids or they were older I would have divorced already. So maybe that’s my answer.
Sorry if I seem weak or indecisive. My family has meant so much to me that it’s hard to let go.
Sorry for the long post any help would be appreciated.

It sounds to me like you had to go and work away inorder to stop your money issues becoming worse.

I do think it sounds like your wife has checked out if your relationship, youve tried counselling and she want willing to open up. She’s blaming you for her maybe having cancer, which is unforgivable.

You need to separate.

Typical male behaviour really, unable to see and really feel anyone's POV but your own. You talk like you semi get what her life was like raising a family alone for years, but you actually don't, and won't, because you're looking after number 1.
I recommend you read John Gottman's, 7 principals of marriage as a last ditch attempt. You shouldn't take this advice lightly if you genuinely want to stay together.

@sadiesnakes
You seem very angry at me and you don’t even know me or have the full story. I’ve posted on her to get some advice and understanding and I guess I have. I have a male friend who is the exact opposite of you almost. Except probably a little more open minded.
Can you imagine what it’s like to be away from your wife and children for months at a time? Working and living with people you don’t know very well often who speak another language to you? Working 14 hour days 7 days a week ?
No I don’t think so. I did it for my family is a means to an end always planning to finish and get home. But there always seemed something else to pay for.
It was cancer that finally finished it for me. But my wife was not happy that I was coming home. I felt in the way when I was home. Although I was preoccupied with my treatment. Sorry.
Not once did my wife offer to come with me when I went for my treatment other than my initial consultation.
When I said I may not go be able to go back to work she didn’t say much.
In the end I was able for a while. When I said I was finishing for good she hardly spoke to me.
Our problems before I had cancer were both of our problems. I wasn’t a horrible dvil husband we both made mistakes.
But when I came back and she cheated on me that was it.
But I didn’t give up. I still wanted to work things out. I kept trying to get us to counselling.
I’m not a hero I just loved my wife but I’m not rug sweeping because there is no acceptance of her side of the problem. It’s all just blamed on me.
I accept that I’m late in talking about it. Accept I have made mistakes. But it’s not just me.
I don’t expect her to throw herself at me but a hug, or just sitting next to me would be nice. Especially when I was going through my treatment.
She is fine as it turns out false alarm.
If she feels it’s all my fault fine. I’ll make it easy and we can get divorced because I also need a life and I also matter.

@Lostinuk
I know the exact type of man you are, it's all me me me with you really. Just look at your hard done by messages, and I'm sure deep down you think you've been the perfect husband and it's all her fault. I'm exhausted just reading your posts, so I'll toddle off now, but I can only imagine how your wife feels about you.

Your right I’m selfish horrible husband. You got me down to a t. I feel enlightened, thanks. You go topple off. Seriously thanks for your help.

Ignore sadie op. God knows where she gets it's you you you from what you've said.
But I agree with others ... your wife has checked out. Have you mentioned divorce to her yet?

Oh .. and " advice - gah" was just correcting a typo from the previous post.

I'd be willing to bet that if your wife was to post about your relationship here she'd get way more support then you have. You've come here to a female dominated forum asking advice from women that have been unlucky enough to be married to self centred men like yourself, men that only see how hard done by they've been treated but can never see the bigger picture.

I feel you are getting a rough ride here just because you are Male.
If a woman had posted this it would have been LTB all the way.

Anyway, in all honesty you know deep down that your wife has checked out of this relationship- and some time ago too.
It’s such a shame that she put no effort into marriage counselling- this should tell you all you need to know really. She didn’t put the effort in because she didn’t want to save your relationship.

I think that her behaviour when you were ill was beyond the pale - leaving you alone to go for every treatment session! Shocking. Once again, imagine if a woman had cancer and her husband had been to one appointment then left her to go to every therapy session on her own. LTB all over again.

Sweetheart - she really really does not care about you. I wouldn’t let my friends husband who I cant bear go to radiotherapy appointments on his own - never mind my own husband. In all honesty I think that in itself is grounds for a divorce on her unreasonable behaviour.

Go and see a lawyer and make a plan.
Get the house valued and on the market.
She can’t be cold and indifferent with you but expect you to provide for her while making you incredibly unhappy simply so she can keep,the house and toy farm. Because that’s what it is isn’t it - it’s not somethimg that makes you self sufficient or brings good money in . It’s a lifestyle choice and a luxury you can no longer afford.

Ypu need to sit her down and tell her that it’s over and you are going to get divorced and you need to make plans ie when and what are you going to tell the kids,.

It’s time for you to stop treading water and start swimming for shore. Take control of your life - you are just drifting like a rudderless ship ( thought you might like a ‘ sea’ analogy!) and you need to fix the rider and get hold of the captains wheel,again.
Only YOU can decide where you want to sail your ship called Life- where do you want to live? How much money will you have after the divorce? Will any of the children want to come and live with You? Would you want them too? Where do you plan to work?
There’s lots for you to sort out and you need to start doing it instead of clogging this dead horse that your marriage is. You are just beating yourself up going over and over this dead ground.
You need to move on and let her go.

When you get up make yourself a pot of coffee and do your self a list of things you need to do in order to start the next chapter of your life.
Put target dates by each one - and get on the phone to a lawyer and an estate agent.

Take charge of your own life and destiny.
And I wish you lots of good wishes for your future. I don’t care what other posters say, we can only go on what’s written by you and I think you sound like a lovely bloke who has tried his hardest.

There’s a new life waiting for you - go and grab it with both hands.

rider - should be rudder.
clogging - should be flogging

Thanks again for all the replies. I knew it was taking a chance posting on here but I’m glad I did. I wasn’t looking for people to say oh it’s all her fault or mine. Fault doesn’t matter now.
When your on a sinking ship (sailing analogy) why you hit a reef doesn’t matter. How to fix it or abandon does.
Why is for later. I am glad I did. I got some valuable insights much of which I already knew deep down.
The next steps are going to be very tough. I want to keep this as amicable as possible. Again thank you all for replying.

I too think you’ve got some horrible replies here. I wish you well and hope you find happiness in the future.