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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone left because they simply can't live with their DH?

34 replies

IceniSky · 19/10/2018 09:41

11 years between us. DD 6. 50/50 of two stepchildren now in their mid 20s who now live elsewhere.

I just am in a bad mood constantly because I am forever picking up after him. He does do the washing and the dishwasher, and takes DD to school while I leave at 6am 3 mornings a week. This is so DD isn't in wrap around care. Both work full time. He wfh. Have cleaner every other week.

Things are just left everywhere. Work surfaces never wiped down. Food stuff left in sinks. Never meal plans or food shops. Rarely cooks. Doesn't do floors or bathrooms. We would never go out or have holidays if it wasn't for me. He doesn't budget. He hasn't sorted his pension out which he has been worried about for years. Doesn't help with DD homework or reading. Doesn't help with working out how to support her with maths.

He does all the fun stuff.

Whenever I challenge he says I have pmt or refuses to talk turning it onto me nagging. Our relationship lacks intimacy or spark and it would have to be me to make any effort. He wants more sex but why would I with someone who makes no bloody effort.

Just fed up and can't live like this for another God knows how many years. He is 51 and I am 40.

OP posts:
Cawfee · 19/10/2018 09:47

No idea what to say because I’m in exactly the same position. Plus mine has stopped working so he’s in the house 24/7. What’s wrong with men? Is there some sort of weird universe shit going on that’s making them all act like Neanderthals because so many people I know are splitting up right now. The men are all acting like total children/idiots. Just seems strange that they are all being arseholes.

Original poster
IceniSky · 19/10/2018 10:02

I just worry as I don't want to spend only 50 % of my time with DD or loose our lovely house.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2018 10:14

What are you getting out of this relationship?

You do not have to live like this for the next x number of years. Any residual love you have for this man would have long turned into total resentment of him.

You have a choice re this so called Disney Dad, your DD does not. Would you want your DD as an adult to accept such from her man as well?. No you would not. Some parent to your child he is. What you are doing currently is showing her that on some level this is acceptable to you still.

And what fun stuff does he do?. That is probably all done with him mainly in mind as well.

He is being deliberate in his actions here: by not doing them or alternatively making such a hash of it that you will never ask him to do it again. This all works in his favour so he can carry on otherwise accusing you of nagging him and being lazy. What does he do all day?. What is the point of him?.

Do you really think as well that such a man would actually want, let only receive 50/50 residency?. Seek proper legal advice re your house and your DD and make decisions based on this rather than mere supposition. You would also likely come to hate this house particularly as you're doing all the donkey work within it too.

ChiaraRimini · 19/10/2018 10:20

Yes I had an "incompetent husband" like this. Years of thinking that he would improve if only I could find the right way to get him to. Years of devoting myself to doing everything, and sacrificing my own career to make sure the kids got the best childhood they could and staying quiet for a happy household. Led to me having a mental health crisis, which I recovered from despite his lack of support, and then a messy divorce. Get out before it ruins your mental health and life.

Original poster
IceniSky · 19/10/2018 10:20

Well yes. He had 50/50 with his other children. He loves DD.

OP posts:
ChiaraRimini · 19/10/2018 10:21

By the way, he won't want 50:50 care or if he says he does it won't last. Mine buggered off as soon as he got a new girlfriend.

ChiaraRimini · 19/10/2018 10:22

He had 50:50 care with you doing everything though right? He won't again unless he can find another mug.

AnotherEmma · 19/10/2018 10:23

He sounds awful. So lazy. I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him!

Would he consider couples counselling? If not I would ask him to leave tbh.

Adora10 · 19/10/2018 10:31

Try not picking up after him, you've become his mum and he loves it, stop doing anything for him, worth a try, he might see then when he has nothing to eat and no clean clothes, don't blame you, I'd not want to be intimate with a dirty slob either.

Daybydaybdbdbd · 19/10/2018 10:37

Hello are you me?

We are in the process of splitting up for exactly this reason. I just can’t do it anymore.

Daybydaybdbdbd · 19/10/2018 10:38

Oh and like chiara I’m currently having a mental health crisis. I had a thread on it somewhere.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2018 10:39

He thinks you have MUG written on your forehead. He may well love DD but he is treating you as his partner with the utmost contempt. There's no love for you there and she seeing this will no do her any favours.

I would actually consider counselling for yourself (joint counselling is a non starter here anyway given his overall attitude) to work out why you have put up with this from him over time and to this extent.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2018 10:40

You cannot answer what you are getting out of this relationship now and that fact alone speaks volumes. What is the point of this man you are currently with?.

Original poster
IceniSky · 19/10/2018 10:40

His parenting isn't really an issue. If anything he'd attempt full custody. It's the other stuff.

OP posts:
donajimena · 19/10/2018 10:43

This is why I don't plan to live with my future husband. We've discussed this and will look to find houses close together.
Do you still love him? Is this an option? If you split you'd have to find seperate homes. If your feelings have changed due to his disrespect around the house thats difficult.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2018 10:45

What parenting does he do re his 6 year old child?. He takes her to school yes but what else does he do for her?. He is not pulling his weight at all at home either in terms of chores or re her for that matter. What he is teaching his DD here is that the woman does everything whilst the man sits around and does nothing. Its not a life lesson she needs to be taught. Would you want her to have a relationship like yours is going forward as well, no you would not. This is not good enough for you either.

He may well use going for full custody as an attempt to further punish you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him, this so called perfect specimen. Men like this blame everyone but their own selves.

Sexnotgender · 19/10/2018 10:48

He’s a useless lazy arsehole!

Why the he’ll should you do literally everything?

Get the hell away from this man child.

LucyMorningStar · 19/10/2018 10:56

I left my husband after 8 years of marriage because I just couldn't live with him anymore. It's draining and I only have one life, I realised I cannot spend it in hope he will wake up one day and see the error in his ways. That's just naive and not realistic. He is 45 and I am 32.

For years I told myself I cannot break up the family and blah blah blah but one day I just had enough. We have a 7 year old child whom I love very much and we are very close. I thought I'd struggle with having to share her. In reality, however, having two nights a week to myself is really good. I get to go to the gym which I was never able to do before so I don't have time to sit and miss her. Luckily those two night are week night so I still have every weekend with her.

Leaving him is the best decision I've ever made. I knew the time was right because when I told him that I'm done I felt nothing but relief. I knew I didn't love him and couldn't wait to live my life the way I think is right rather than constantly adapting to his needs. Life is too short and you can't get wasted time back.

Chalkhillblu3 · 19/10/2018 11:08

Sorry to be mercenary but how much does this guy earn vs how much you earn? It's all about the money by this desperate stage.

If he's on a good wage, up the cleaner to twice a week and get them to iron and make a big pot of hubby's favourite soup or pasta, to stop him trashing the kitchen. Then you might be able to put up with the slob until DD is in big school.

If he makes a pittance, fast eject.

Sexnotgender · 19/10/2018 11:11

Haha, I totally missed the bit where he wants more sex!

Tell him to fuck right off.

Perhaps you’d have more time and be more inclined if he wasn’t so lazy and treating you like a housemaid.

arwenearlythereyet · 19/10/2018 11:18

It's impossible to feel desire for someone who has turned you into this weird mother-carer figure for them.

Thebluedog · 19/10/2018 12:23

How is his parenting good if he’s not cooking or cleaning for his dc?

How would he manage being the primary carer if he doesn’t cook for them, or wash their clothes, or tidy up, or pick up after them?

Anniegetyourgun · 19/10/2018 12:48

... or help them with their homework?

wizzywig · 19/10/2018 12:53

40 is no age. Leg it and enjoy your life

Original poster
IceniSky · 19/10/2018 18:51

I'm glad I posted here. The lynch mob attitude of many posters has given me perspective. He certainly isn't an arshole or some cunt that wants nothing to do with his children. And yes, as mentioned he does do the washing.

I don't believe he is deliberate or malicious in his ways. I think he has different values and priorities and this is what I will consider when deciding whether to continue.

Tbh when he was a single parent he was doing better than many people. He may not have done it my way but his adult children have turned out well.

If anyone has more balanced views I'd be interested.

OP posts:
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