Anyone left because they simply can't live with their DH?

[IceniSky]

11 years between us. DD 6. 50/50 of two stepchildren now in their mid 20s who now live elsewhere.

I just am in a bad mood constantly because I am forever picking up after him. He does do the washing and the dishwasher, and takes DD to school while I leave at 6am 3 mornings a week. This is so DD isn't in wrap around care. Both work full time. He wfh. Have cleaner every other week.

Things are just left everywhere. Work surfaces never wiped down. Food stuff left in sinks. Never meal plans or food shops. Rarely cooks. Doesn't do floors or bathrooms. We would never go out or have holidays if it wasn't for me. He doesn't budget. He hasn't sorted his pension out which he has been worried about for years. Doesn't help with DD homework or reading. Doesn't help with working out how to support her with maths.

He does all the fun stuff.

Whenever I challenge he says I have pmt or refuses to talk turning it onto me nagging. Our relationship lacks intimacy or spark and it would have to be me to make any effort. He wants more sex but why would I with someone who makes no bloody effort.

Just fed up and can't live like this for another God knows how many years. He is 51 and I am 40.

Well he SOUNDS like a lazy arsehole.

What parenting feats has he achieved?

Wow. That was a bit of a turnaround, OP! Now you’re passionately defending him

He doesn’t deserve it, IMO. He may be great in many ways (most people are not all good or bad) but he’s not treating you with respect. Making you tidy/clean up after him and leaving you to do the majority of the parenting is lazy but also selfish and inconsiderate towards you. He may not have always been like that but he’s certainly taking you for granted now.

I stand by my original advice. Couple’s counselling or it’s over. If there’s any chance of him changing, he has to know that you mean it. You really did sound as if you’d had enough in your first post, but maybe not.

How is your self esteem? Do you feel that this is as good as you deserve, or as good as you can get?

I'm not defending him against what I have said, that still stands. I'm defending him against the scenarios people have created to fill any gaps in my first post.

My self esteem is fine. If I was too leave I certainly wouldn't be looking for a replacement. I feel I would be complete alone.

His parenting feats are no different to your average parent. He had his kids 50% are they turned out nice. Not saving the world. But nice average people.

I'm not likely to do counciling. But I am going to look at building my life up outside of the home and see where that takes me.

Being a stepdaughter, stepsister and stepmother, I'm not ready to create that future for my DD just yet.

I sympathise OP. I'm mid-40's & have come to the conclusion that the vast majority of men my age are a bit useless. I know very few who pull their weight on the domestic front. I only know 2 couples where the man equally shares parenting/domestic stuff. These are intelligent, degree educated professional couples., all of them. It's utterly depressing.

I guess you have to decide whether your resentment is worth separating for, and consider that you will be doing it all on your own if you split up anyway. Shite choices, really.

I'm sure there will now be lots of replies from women with fabulous, domesticated husbands who pull their weight saying "NAMALT".

I love my DH beyond measure and would never ever dream of splitting from him but I’d quite happily live apart from my DH. He too doesn’t place any value on a clean and tidy house or making things as easy as possible (eg texting if we are running low on stuff so I can pop in to the shop on the way home).

It’s not that he’s lazy, far from it because he works long hours and when home he’s always busy doing things I don’t see as import and that I don’t do so he could say that I’m lazy due to our differing priorities!

My idea would to be to live next door to each other

I left my first ex-H as I had become resentful of everything I was doing for us & our DS & over everything he wasn’t doing. I was gutted our marriage hadn’t worked out & it took me a long while to finally call it a day.

The overwhelming relief I felt once we’d split told me I’d made the right decision & his relationship with our child blossomed once he had to step up.

He is now in a long term relationship with someone else & she literally wipes his arse (ok not literally) on a daily basis & he defers to her on everything.

I have constant proof, watching them together, that I made the right decision.

I think I gave a balanced view which you seem to have missed ignored living with people is hard. My partner and I plan to channel Helena Bonham Carter and marry. Then we'll keep our own houses. I'm the kitchen trasher in our relationship. I'm not lazy or an arsehole. I just have lower standards. It would drive him mad. There is plenty about him that drives me scatty too.

I can understand that of you wfh you often don't see the mess build up during the day.

Also I think coming home to a messy house feels worse than being in it.
Is this about your different attitudes to household standards?
A cleaner once every 2 weeks probadly isnt enough if you both work full time.

Is your H kind, does he do other tasks that you take for granted.

I just think leaving because of incompatibility for household might be something you regret.
The attitude to money such as pension is a worry for sure, does he have a workplace pension?

*if