Do you like your family? Why am i so ambivalent!

[DC2018]

I feel awful writing this but I've a bit of a turbulent relationship will my family since I was a child in a very toxic household.
I've been making a lot of effort with my mum who is a recovering alcoholic and invited her to dinner with my half sister.
While my mum didn't do anything particularly awful, just spoke badly about my dad and my OH, dominated all the conversation, drank excessively etc I was just struck with the realisation of 'I love you but really don't like you' I feel terrible about it.
Its got me think about my feelings towards family and I'm sad to admit I feel very ambivalent about my mum and even half sister. Im not that interested in a relationship with her and as much as she is lovely. I kind of feel like family are just so much hassle! Is that normal? Feeling guilty...

You can't choose your family. Sometimes they happen to be jerks. That's just how it is.

You can walk away.

I hear you. I love and like my siblings, but I just don’t love or like my parents. Spending time with them has been somewhere between a massive chore and full on trauma my whole life. I’ve gone very low contact and in fact haven’t spoken to them for months. Like you, I really struggle with guilt but I can’t manufacture feelings I don’t have (and they have done plenty to justify me leaving them, too, it’s not all about feelings).

I know someone just like that in regards to her mum.
If the 4 siblings 2 are no contact with her
Sad but not usual.
Worse is she doesn't understand why 😳
Focus on the good relationship you have with who ever.
Be the best you, you can be and leave the rest :)

"Unusual "

I kind of feel like family are just so much hassle! Is that normal?

Yes. I expect your feelings are normal in your family circumstances.

I'm from a close knit family and have a very good relationship with my brothers and sisters.

We are supportive of each other and help in times of need. I can't imagine not bothering with them...but if my mum was like yours, I'd feel as you do.

I get on well with my sister but don't have much of a meaningful relationship with my parents. I live close by and see them maybe once a fortnight for my mum less for my dad. But they don't really take an interest in my life despite me trying with them. I find when I do see my mum the conversation is really superficial she's in happy in her relationship with my dad but it's always been that way. They both seem really caught up with their own lives. However I feel harsh with my mixed feelings towards them as they have not done anything wrong so to speak. So I totally get how you feel although your mum sounds like she has maybe been more difficult. I don't know what the answer is as I think there will always be a tug such tells you that you should feel more. I try to just nurture the relationships I get something from.

Thank you all much for your replies. I was feeling so guilty last night and was struggling to process. It makes me feel a bit better knowing it's not just me. Families are certainly hard work x

I have a wonderful family and loads of love and support.
But your situation is very different.
Have you been on the Stately Homes thread?
Might be worth a look and lots of support.

Hellsbellsmelons
Aw that's lovely. My OH has a very close family which is nice, although, I feel a bit awkward with them tbh. No doubt because I'm not used to it. I will have a look at that thread now thank you for the recommendation x

I can't seem to find that thread using the search tool. Does anyone possibly have a link?x

I do not have a close relationship with my mother at all, for many reasons. She's in her 70s now and I know when she dies I probably won't feel anything. Not something you can admit to most people! My dad died many years ago, but again I didn't really feel anything. I see it as their own fault. They didn't do the things when I was young that help bond you to your parents so I can't help the way I feel now. You reap what you sow, as they say!

HERE YOU GO
Hopefully it's helpful.

I have a huge family and every single one of us has at least one person we are NC with.
I have a couple of siblings I'm close to, but most of my family I couldn't care less if I never saw again - and that's not in a nasty way, I wish them well and have no issue with them - I just feel like it wouldn't make a difference if they were never in my life and it's a chore ever trying to make time for them even when we only see each other once a year. For me, family is overrated, yet my DH is incredibly close to all of his and we both find each other's attitude unfathomable.

I love my family: they are lovely. We all like each other and enjoy spending time together. Not a loony in the bunch.

Is it maybe emotional detachment. To cope as a child you emotionally detached from parents which is why you feel ambivalent?

Racontuer, I think I didn't become emotionally attached to mine in the first place! Which I think can be sadly true for many people. From the age of 4 or 5 I can remember seeing them as just people who lived in the same house as me. I didn't feel any emotional attachment to them.

Attachment is formed at such a young age and if parents are neglectful and don't do anything to bond with their child then that attachment just doesn't happen.

If you can spend time with friends that make you feel good, loved and valued I would choose that over painful family gatherings. You can stay in touch and in contact, but in a very distant way if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Thank you soo much for the support and understanding. I really appreciate everyone sharing. I agree that spending time with friends is far more preferable. I just need to make peace with my feelings x